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jackfish posted 12/3/2013 10:18 AM

I haven't lurked or posted here in a while. Although SI is FULL of support, and it helped me immensely, I found it sometimes too depressing to constantly be on these sites focusing on negativity.
That said, I'd like to post another update at the 5 month mark from d-day.
Together 24yrs, married for 19. D-day, July 01. Her affair began via facebook in early May. Separated mid-August. 1 son (14) who's with me. Other son (21) on his own.

Folks, everyone's situation is different. I am just sharing some of mine to help those who may want to hear another story. First off, after the initial emotional meltdowns and continuous stunning, shocking things that occur from a ""spouse"" who you basically sold your soul for, things DO get better...emotionally anyway. All the cliches like "put yourself first", "eat nutritious foods and exercise", "be with friends", "don't fall into drinking or drugs" etc., etc. They are all true. Never never give up!

So, she was living close by and I initially thot this was so she could stay in touch physically with her son. Pfffft! She's obsessed with the OM. She hardly spent any time with our son, except through text messaging. With a saner mind now, I see her thing as such a superficial fantasy, it actually makes me laugh! Too much detail to tell, so won't share the specifics. She recently got fired from her job (probably on purpose), and bolted into her lover's arms five hours away. I really could care less. There is NOTHING left in my heart for her. I will remain sane and respectful since we share two sons, but that's about it. She texted me out of the blue one day and wanted to be "friends" bla bla for the son's (14) sake. Oh please. Friends!?!?! Hahaha. I politely texted back that we cannot be friends, but perhaps respectful. And that was my last contact with her. From little grapevine tidbits I hear, she is a lying machine to her blood family and friends. Whatever floats her boat. I just don't care.

Anyway, officially, papers are being served. So relieving after all this time. And thus, I enter what I am calling Stage 2 of Hell!

Btw, for the record, personally, I am feeling fine, sleeping well, many new good habits. Mind is clearer for thinking...even more clear than when I was enabling a psychopath in marriage. Eggshells disappeared, brainwashing effect is gone, feel freer interacting with people I had to avoid before, etc. Physically, D-day weight of 216, now down to 188. A healthy weight loss though, not sickly. Moving on with my life, laughing more, getting along great with people, and even my in-laws are still ensuring that I'm doing okay. I'll be honest, I do have the odd "bad" day or occasional trigger, but they are not overwhelming anymore.

So to all on this board, take care of yourself and stay strong dudes! And I'm not just saying that, I mean it.

Thefly559 posted 12/3/2013 12:17 PM

Thanks for the update, glad to hear how great you are doing but it is definitely not the norm here after 5 months and a long marriage so I applaud you for the strength you have and show. keep up the good work, all the best.

jackfish posted 12/3/2013 12:33 PM

Thanks Fly.

Oh believe me, this journey has been hell. But, I willed my way to be strong, to ask my self the tough questions, to stay away from booze and stupidities, etc., to find all positives in life, to get some clarity in my mind. It really comes down to not letting your ego get the best of you and moving on with the proper attitude.
Right now, I fear NOTHING. I can only control me and that's what I'm focused on. The more I do that, the happier I'm becoming and it spills over to other areas of my life like my sons, friends, endeavors, etc.
Very very complex to explain it all but, ya, it does seem quick but that's cuz I'm not dwelling on negatives and/or poor poor pitiful me.
Still a ways to go yet! Soldiering on.

Lola7 posted 12/3/2013 12:49 PM

Awesome! Thanks for updates like these. They do help a great deal, (especially when you're only barely a month out.)

I just decided the other day I need to just stop the booze altogether. It's making me feel bad for stuff my sober mind would call bullshit on. I don't need to give him any power over me. Until I can get my emotions under control, its a sober I will go.

Again, thanks for posting this.

JerseyCowgirl posted 12/3/2013 12:55 PM

Thanks for your inspiring story...I really needed to hear some good stories coming finally for those that stayed the course and seeing the fruits of their labors. Keep going strong.

Sparkles posted 12/3/2013 13:02 PM

Thank you for sharing your story. Its nice to see you are handling your situation so well.

I think this really speaks to me:

Very very complex to explain it all but, ya, it does seem quick but that's cuz I'm not dwelling on negatives and/or poor poor pitiful me.

I sometimes get stuck on "what about my children?" or "how could he do this to meeee?" and then have to snap myself out of it. He did it. He's still doing it and he's not going to change. Move forward.

Tripletrouble posted 12/3/2013 15:49 PM

Fistbump, Jackfish. As hellish as this is, we can have an iron will to come out the other side stronger, better, smarter, and tougher.

5454real posted 12/3/2013 15:58 PM

awesome, awesome update.

just wait for her reaction when she's legally mandated to pay you child support.

jackfish posted 12/3/2013 20:16 PM

Thank you all for your responses!
I am lucky that my teenage son wants to live with his dad. Some of you going thru this bullshit with little ones must be going through hell with custody stuff. So unfair.

I'm glad the responses were positive. Maybe another update down the road will even be better! It's all of the legal mumbo-jumbo ahead that I NEVER anticipated I'd ever have to go through! Hopefully she cooperates.

My heart goes out to all of you! Peace!