I'm trying really hard, we both are, I don't know where I'd be without SI - truly I don't. If anyone here has regularly followed my posts you'll know that my WH is a model fWH to be!
I don't know why I'm posting really, just feeling an immense sadness again, like I could cry at anything and at any time. We have a lot to be thankful for, we have hope for the future and exciting times around the corner so why am I so sad again? Can't put my finger on it, it's nothing specific, no triggers (well none more than usual) he's done nothing wrong I'm just sad.... sigh.... Sorry to be a tad sorry for myself... just need a few virtual hugs from the only people in the world who understand...
I don't know about you, but I'm affected by the weather and it is cloudy and rainy and cold here. Sad to say the least. Depressed even.
You're not alone.
For some reason, month 11 was a terrible month for me... I felt so sad, defeated... just generally unhappy. For me I think it was because with the antiversary looming, I kept on thinking "it's been a YEAR, I should be feeling better!" and "I've wasted a YEAR of my life being miserable because of the A!" That milestone somehow brought things into focus and had me measuring my "progress".
I remember you joining around the same time that I did. In our posts, you were so strong and insightful about what had happened. It was a comfort to me to read your posts and realize that someone else was feeling the same way I was and that I was not alone.
I hope that this phase passes quickly for you.
[This message edited by meplusfour at 1:34 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]
It's okay. I felt this way too at 11 months. Like I was prepping myself. It was easy to think, "last year at this time..." once my boys' bdays started mid-November. I posted a lot and then I settled down a couple weeks in. It will be 12 months on Friday. Also, H's bday.
Our d-days are fast approaching.
I don't know if this will help you at all, but I did used to have "blue" days or very down times occasionally before the A. So now when I have them I think about how some of this emotion may not even be A related. It could just be normal ups and downs of mood, and I want to try not to make it last longer by letting my heart get weighed down by the A sadness.
So, I try to remember other times in my life when I was in a depression. (Often in winter because I'm affected by the lack of light.) I focus on those memories and how I got through it (girlfriends, running, watching Buffy, or crying it out), and I think about how I'm going to come out the other side of this feeling, too.
Wait it out. Distract from A thoughts. Do something fun or silly. Try to get sunlight on your face before 10:00 am (read that somewhere and it helps me).
I'm two days behind you on the antiversary. ((UKlady))
itsaclimb - yeah - maybe that 'nearly at the one year mark' thing is having an effect. As always, it's good to know I'm not alone in my thinking.
meplusfour - so good of you to remember I am generally still positive it's just those times you know? I wish sometimes I could erase the knowledge of the A completely.
TrustGone - thanks for the hug - it does mean a lot.
LA - I will always remember you for being the first to respond to my first post here - thank you for that x. I hope that Friday is not too bad for you.
Sailorgirl - sigh.... I feel so aligned with your story and know how you can totally empathise. We are both 'lucky' that our Hs 'get it'. Part of my sadness is that I actually NEVER felt blue for no reason pre DDay. I was always a 'live life to the fullest' and certainly 'live EVERY day' - I had nothing to feel blue about. I 'knew' back then that my H would always be there for me - I know NOW he will be but in between times I didn't know him and that makes me sad
We are both 'lucky' that our Hs 'get it'.
So true, but I also understand the use of quotes on "lucky" .
Part of my sadness is that I actually NEVER felt blue for no reason pre DDay.
Wow, I can see how this would be doubly hard then.
I 'knew' back then that my H would always be there for me - I know NOW he will be but in between times I didn't know him and that makes me sad
Last night, my H was telling me what he talked about in IC. I was thinking how he never would have been this open with me about his inner life before he hit rock bottom and faced his issues. I was realizing how much better I'm getting to know him, especially as I heal so I can really listen. I was too hurt/angry to listen at first.
I think the saddest thing would have been if he suppressed the effects of his toxic FOO forever and I never knew really knew him.
It is good to know that SI will be here when the non-specific but immense sadness comes.