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AndreaL posted 12/3/2013 13:31 PM

I'm in shock....absolute shock. I'm numb. But here is my story. Sorry for typos but I am a mess.

The hubby and I have been married for 8 years. Have 2 small children. 2 nights ago he confessed to an affair (they only had sex once, but I know it was super emotional). He told me he had strong feelings for her( I'm convinced he loves her) upon confession, he starts crying and apologizing. He ended it before he told me. What's even worse he has been playing daddy to the OW son, while neglecting our own children. I kicked him out. He won't stop calling and begging for another chance, and telling me how much he loves me.What makes it even worse, is my dad was a serial philanderer, and my husband knew that! How could he go this to me??? I hate him. I am so ashamed of him. How could I have married such a selfish person. I can barely function and am trying to put up a strong front for my children, who haven't even noticed their father is not around. Any advice?? I feel like someone had ripped my heart and life apart. I can't believe this is my life. I have no idea what I am going to do. I keep picturing them together and it's making me sick.

Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years

Lostandpregnant posted 12/3/2013 13:41 PM

I'm so sorry you're here.
Start reading everything you can in the healing library at the side. Read posts in here. Breathe.

sudra posted 12/3/2013 13:43 PM

Hi Andrea. Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but you will find lots of support here.

Read around the website, there's lots of help to be found. On the upper right of your screen there is a yellow box. Click on "The Healing Library" for some great reading.

First, take a breath. This is HARD. Try to rest, eat and drink water when you can. You will certainly need strength to deal with this and two young children.

Second, know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. People have affair (A) because of their own issues, not because their spouse is not good enough.

Third, I know you kicked him out and you may want to divorce. That is fine. An affair is a dealbreaker for many. However, if you are not sure, know that you do NOT have to make an immediate decision on whether to divorce. Many recommend waiting 6-12 months before deciding what to do. This gives time to see if the wayward spouse (WS) is willing to do the hard work of reconciling (R). The betrayed spouse (BS) does not have to decide right away. It's okay to wait and see. You don't owe anyone any explanation.

Fourth, do find someone you trust to confide in. Do consider, though, that you might not want to tell everyone at this point. If you should decide to R, it can be hard to deal with all of those people knowing. Find a counselor (IC) who specializes in infidelity to help you get through this.

If you eventually consider R, know that it is a very positive sign that he confessed the affair to you.

I feel your pain. My father was a serial cheater, too. It destroyed our family, even though my parents did not divorce, and my husband knew this. He did it anyway.

What you are going to do now is take care of yourself and your two children. Ask for help with the kids if you need it. Again, remember to drink water and try to eat. It's not unusual for new BSs to lose tons of weight from the stress of infidelity. Nothing hurts like the betrayal of infidelity. NOTHING.

Others will be posting advice as well. Post often if you need to talk.

Take care.

[This message edited by sudra at 1:47 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Cabot posted 12/3/2013 13:47 PM

So sorry for you but know you are not alone.
Your first priortys right now are you and the kids.
The first days are going to be tough your going to be very torn between how you feel about him now and the longing for that person you thought you knew.
Understand no matter what he says this is not your fault. It was his choice
Go to the healing library under articles and read about the 180
Find some people you can talk to and know there is always someone here so keep posting.
If the stress gets to great see a dr don't be afraid to get some meds to help you through these 1st day most of us have.
Get angry when you need to cry when you need too. Eat and drink water if you can.

As unbelivealbe as it sounds no it will get bettet but also remember even though you wish it could it will never be the same.

kra127 posted 12/3/2013 13:48 PM

Do you have a friend or relative you can talk to about this? I know that helped me the first few days after I found out. I know it's hard but focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. Also, get tested for STD's asap. Take a couple of deep breaths and read the info here.

browneyesbelieve posted 12/3/2013 13:50 PM


I'm so sorry you're here with us. I'm new too, and SI has been my saving grace, my reality check and my safe place.

Read everything you can hear. There are so many ideas, thoughts and support. We are here for you.

Daisy04201 posted 12/3/2013 13:58 PM

This forum has been my only form of relief.
Keep reading. there are so many good tips on here.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

AndreaL posted 12/3/2013 14:02 PM

Thank you for all your words of encouragement. It means the world to me at this very dark moment.I have been on the site for the past couple of hours until I got the strength to join. It's almost like I couldn't admit this is my new reality.

I have no idea what I am going to do and am taking it one day at a time. I told my sister and my best friend who have been a pillar of strength for me, and I will be eternally grateful.

My husband keeps calling and emailing, and I have been ignoring him. I just can't even stand the thought of him. I just don't understand how he could claim to love me but have a 2 month long affair? I have been reading like crazy on the site and I suspect he is coming out of the fog. To be honest, I have no idea what to think. Words fail me at a time like this....

I just keep remembering his vows on our wedding day and how he has ripped our marriage to shreds. The blatant neglect of our kids for the OW son is making me psychically ill. Who does that to their own children?

Cabot posted 12/3/2013 14:20 PM

Know that this emotional strain will manifest like physical illness treat yourself acordingly eat what you can drink water and get rest when you can. Weight loss is very common if you can't handle food get some ensure.

AndreaL posted 12/3/2013 15:36 PM

Any tips on how to deal with a husband who won't leave me alone? He keeps trying to call me. I already changed the locks but I can't change my cell phone number.

Cabot posted 12/3/2013 15:54 PM

You can call phone company and block his call or if it is on your cell you can go to his number and turn of the alerts his calls will still come through but your phone won't ring or vibrate

Tripletrouble posted 12/3/2013 16:05 PM

Andrea - hugs to you. You are just starting a very difficult time and all of us here have been right where you are - stunned, disbelieving, thinking these things only happen to other people. You have to take it an hour or even a minute at a time. You need at least one person you trust that you can confide in. Be very gentle on yourself. Although you will feel like you want resolution right away, you will need time to sort out your feelings. There is no rush, and healing, unfortunately, is slow. You are amongst friends here, so post as often as you need support or advice.

AndreaL posted 12/3/2013 16:09 PM

I'm torn on blocking his cell number due to my kids. Even though he has been a horrible father for the past 2 months, I don't want my kids to suffer. My husband is an ER doctor and he works crazy hours. I just don't see how I can move past this...but from all your wonderful advice it seems I should take it hour by hour. I am all over the map emotionally. I am fortunate that I have help with my kids so they don't are not witnessing me falling apart.

Tripletrouble posted 12/3/2013 16:16 PM

Let me also suggest you talk to a lawyer absolutely as soon as possible. I would not block the number as that could be used against you later. If you are in the US divorce law varies widely state to state and you don't want to make any uninformed decisions. Consequences can be huge to seemingly unrelated actions. You can send me a PM if you want some examples.

Cabot posted 12/3/2013 16:32 PM

I feel for you my wife is in emergency medicine also and those "crazy hours" are what enabled her to cover up her affair. And it took me so long to suspect and question her because it is the nature of the field staying late is very common but I finally realized it kept getting more and more often and later and later. and finally spoke up.

AndreaL posted 12/3/2013 16:41 PM

I feel like such a fool. All those late night working at the 'hospital' when he was with OW and her son. All those dinners I ate alone with my children, I despise him. My trust is shattered along with my soul. I live in Canada and have no idea what my next step will be; debating contacting a lawyer but I am so emotional at the moment not sure what the next step should be. I had to remove the photos of him from the house because seeing his face was making me physically ill. I almost slashed all his clothing but I have to believe I am better than that. I feel so insecure. Why wasn't I good enough.

Cabot posted 12/3/2013 16:53 PM

Try not to react right now out of don't do anything to give him ammo aginst you in case it goes to court. I would wait up every night to spent time with my wife some times till 3 am and now I know she was with OM and would come home and kiss me tell me she loved me and go to bed to tired from her long day. They just don't undersand that those actions make use have to look back and question every happy moment and try to figure out what was real. For me in the begining it felt like what was happening was a nightmare and would I think no this is real than I would say if this is the truth how much of my marriage was lies. And how do I know this person who is obviously capable of lying to me is not still covering up more.

AndreaL posted 12/3/2013 18:07 PM

I am trying so hard not to react but he is begging me for another chance and telling me how much he loves our family. I can't believe I married this man and he is the father of my children. He keeps saying they only were intimate once, like that makes it better. He loves this woman or so he thought. Where does that leave me? I just hate myself for never suspecting and being played for a fool.

Cabot posted 12/3/2013 18:33 PM

This is very new very raw you need to tell him you need time. No matter which way this goes for you it is going to take a while I'm 1month since D-Day and i'm still not sure whats going on. You both will need IC and MC if you are planning on trying to work things out. The main thing he has to understand is that at this point he has completely lost your trust. Know also that anything you decide is not set in stone and you could change how you feel at anytime. And in the beginning for me I had so many conflicting emotions at one time it was hard to even think about making a decision. The only thing that can heal these wounds is time but you woun't be able to go back to how it was before. If you do choose to R it will be a different kind of relationship.
But for right now just get through tonight. Just try to get some sleep I didn't find SI until week 3 so I was just reeling and I didn't sleep for the 1st 86 hrs after D Day.

doggiediva posted 12/3/2013 18:37 PM

Make no commitments to your WH....He is just gonna have to deal with the limbo of not knowing what is gonna happen in his life for the next year or so..

Protect yourself financially ... I am beginning to sound like a broken record on this site.... I almost always advise people to protect their quality of life for the future is there is any possible way..

Number one top priority is to take care of yourself physically and develop a support network....Getting thru this is gonna be a long road....

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