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LastChanceLarry posted 12/3/2013 14:07 PM

Hey gang, it's been a while..

I've been doing much better since the ex moved out and I finally have the place to myself. It's been up and down, really, but more good than not. Lately though I feel myself slipping and getting more and more depressed. I'm still on AD and try to keep myself busy with friends and work and family, etc. I always seem to have this thought in the back of my mind though, about how miserable my life really is, how I would give almost anything to be done with this bullshit and just get my world back to normal.
I still have a lot of hate and resentment towards my ex. Thankfully she finally got the hint and stopped trying to be friendly about things, we really only communicate about our son and CS. I want nothing more than to move on with my life but I just feel trapped by the situation. CS, shared custody, doing what's right, feeling like she still has control over my life - I can't stand it.
I want to move far away, start over completely, put her and OM as far behind me as possible. I love my son but I wonder how the situation would be different if I weren't a dad. I've even contemplated giving the ex full custody just so that I can get her out of my life for good.
I was doing so well! I've even been on a few dates and I'm reconnecting with old friends and hobbies. Nowadays everything just feels so doom and gloom and out of my control.
I hate -HATE- what she's done to me and how she can go on and have a "more normal" life. It's been 15 months since DDay, 6 months since she moved out. I'm young and successful and relatively good looking but it's all a waste because I can't live the life I want.

Not sure if this is more of a vent or me looking for advice.. I'm sure a lot of you will say this is normal and you've gone through the same exact feelings. I guess I just don't feel like I have what it takes anymore. I want to move on completely.

~Larry

SBB posted 12/3/2013 14:19 PM

It takes time to adjust to our new normal - even longer to start feeling excited about the future.

Those first 6m or so I was in a place of "this is so fucking unfair". Holding onto what 'should have been' and feeling angry about all that I had lost.

Truth is it was never going to be what 'should have been' with that guy or in that M. This was kind of an inevitable outcome unless I was willing to tolerate my husband having girlfriends.

In angry about what I thought I had lost I forgot to look at what I always had, what I had regained, what was now in my reach.

Are you in IC too?

A few things that helped me was spending some time every day thinking about my future in a positive light. At first it was hard and I had to force myself to do it. But then something shifted and it got easier. I'm quite the daydreamer these days and my tail is wagging again.

NC was really important. I also worked really hard to stop the obsessive thinking. I had this constant loop in my head going over the last 10 years over and over and over again. The noise was deafening and had me disoriented and isolating myself. Once I turned the volume down and pushed the thoughts away and replaced them I started seeking sunlight again.

There's no way through this but through it. I too wish I didn't have children with him. I would get the hell out of dodge and distract myself with adventure all over the world. I don't have a time machine so that isn't a possibility.

Truth is I'd still have to go through this phase even if I didn't have kids. We all do. If you left your son behind you would feel worse than you do now - it would be what you feel now PLUS missing him, regretting leaving, feeling lost and alone tenfold.

I get the urge to run away. Boy can I relate. But there's no running away from ourselves. There's no running away from our kids.

((LCL))

cmego posted 12/3/2013 14:25 PM

It is a roller coaster, no doubt. There is a part of you that simply has to be determined to move forward. Some days are easier than others. But, I couldn't imagine giving full custody to my ex just so I would never have to see him again.

You son needs you and you need to find a way to focus on him instead of focusing on your own pain, which is how you sound right now.

I certainty wouldn't be dating right now, you will do nothing but hurt other people. Continue to work on your own interests and start therapy if you haven't already…it took me over a year post S for me to even begin to feel better.

LastChanceLarry posted 12/3/2013 16:21 PM

I've backed off of the dating scene since I started feeling down again. I realize it was probably too soon though it was good to dip my toe in the water just to see what's out there. For a while I WAS feeling much happier, confident, and charming to the ladies. Guess it was just a lull in the storm.

I stopped going to IC once the appointments went from every week to every other and finally every 3rd week. I didn't feel like I was getting much out of it, mostly seemed like I had nothing to complain about at the time and I was doing a lot better. I've considered starting back up now that the pendulum has shifted again.

I am a bit focused on myself right now. I think that has been the push behind a lot of my thoughts lately, I want to focus on ME for a change. I grin and bare it for the sake of my son. I let my ex call most of the shots because I just can't stand to talk to her for more than 2 minutes and it's not worth my breath. I'm struggling to find the balance where I put him first but still attend to my own needs.

The last time I suffered a big hurt like this was from a college sweetheart, another girl I was prepared to spend my life with. When she broke it off I escaped to the wilds of Maine and spent the summer as a hiking instructor. It was a transformative experience - I went back for 3 more years. I don't have that option this time around. Fight or flight, neither one seems to be a valid option so I just roll over and take it.

Ugh. Maybe I just need to up my meds..

~Larry

ladies_first posted 12/3/2013 16:37 PM

I'm young and successful and relatively good looking but it's all a waste because I can't live the life I want.

mixedemotions posted 12/3/2013 17:30 PM

Hi Larry (and hi SI, it's been a while!)

I can't speak to the stuck-ness of having to continue to talk to your X about your son, but what you said about IC and ADs really struck me.

1- I totally get what you mean about feeling like you don't have anything to talk about in IC so you stop going. While it's completely fine and can be very helpful to just come and go when it feels most useful to you, not having any pressing issues to discuss also leaves room for processing the old, deeply-rooted stuff, like our views of ourselves/relationships/others that were developed and reinforced over time. During those times, you can sort through the muck and clear it all out while you're not (as) distracted by the day-to-day hurts.

It's not for everyone and not every therapist is particularly good at it, but for someone who's up for it who also finds the right fit therapist, it can be a very nice way of giving yourself and your mind some peace and quiet...which could in turn make these really awful times even a little bit easier. As much as it doesn't seem like it could be. Sort of like preparing for a big storm when it's still nice and sunny out, just to make things easier on yourself when the storm does hit. Once you get past this part, and you KNOW you will eventually maybe there's more that can be done during the calm to arm yourself for the next time this storm hits?

2 - Just checking...are the complaining sessions also focused on building tools to help make the difficult times easier? In my opinion, the ultimate goal of IC is to no longer need IC anymore because you've processed enough and built up enough ammo to be able to therapize yourself. If you're feeling like your sessions are all about venting without any strategies, then maybe it's time to look into different ICs, or to ask yours for more feedback.

3 - You very likely already know this since you're on them, but just in case, keep in mind that many things can impact how ADs work and sometimes there's a tough journey of finding the right ones and the right doses and waiting though the break-in periods. Maybe time to talk to your Dr. about a switcheroo?

4 - just a hug and an I'm sorry. This sucks. I hope it gets better soon.

StillLivin posted 12/3/2013 17:51 PM

Honey, sounds like you really badly need to do something nice for you.
Do you have relatives you can go away and visit for a hot spell? Might do you a world of good to go away for a minute!
I just read a post about a getting a massage. I'm gonna splurge this weekend on 2 wonderful hours. Maybe you can hit a resort and get a long massage. Maybe do the works, facial, massage, etc.
Retail therapy is always great too when there are good sales going on...lots right now because of Christmas coming up.
Or maybe take some online courses in things that will hold your interest.
Hope you can shake these blues and doom and gloom!

stronger08 posted 12/3/2013 18:07 PM

Larry, it aint easy bro. But whatever you do, don't give that woman custody of your kid.
He needs his father in his life and you need him. I understand it would be easier to just up and move away. But I can assure you that it will soon become the biggest regret in your life. The kid needs a normal person in his life, not some cheating, controlling bitch. I know what your talking about as I've dealt with a very difficult XWW for many years now. When she starts using the kid to fuck with your life that's when you need to fight back legally. Document, document, document !!!! I went years without having to speak with my XWW. Everything was done via text and e-mail which I saved every damn one of. Great evidence should you have to take her to court. If she is trying to alienate your child from you or use him to harass you, take her ass to court. The best thing about using written communication is that she will not think your smart enough to save anything. And trust me she will go off and basically hang herself. Its at that point you stick to her in family court. You don't even need a lawyer. You just go down and explain your situation along with any evidence you have and they will schedule a date with a judge and/or mediator. And trust me, judges do not like parents who use their kids for get back at the other parent. Don't give in to her antics my friend. Fight back and demand she respect your position as a father to her child.

LastChanceLarry posted 12/4/2013 07:57 AM

Larry, what kind of life do you want?

I'm a romantic, I want the American Dream. Nice house, loving wife, happy kids, etc. I don't want drama or complications or pain anymore. To be clear, I don't want HER. It's not about getting my old life back - I'm well past that point. I want this shitty chapter of my life to be over and done with and to move on to something much better. Really, I just want to be genuinely happy and carefree like I used to be.

Mixed- everything you said makes perfect sense to me. Being proactive vs reactive. Unfortunately IC wasn't really giving me the tools to better understand myself, I got more from introspection than I did from sitting on that couch, a couple of times we brushed up against some underlying issues but never really dug into anything. My therapist pretty much let me sit there and spill whatever was on my mind without much feedback. There were lots of long pauses where she said nothing in response and waited for me to say more. I've thought a few times about switching but I kind of don't want to tell her that she's not doing much for me, silly, right?

I don't think I could ever actually give up my son like that, I mostly just fantasize what my life would be like under different circumstances. Is that bad? We have mediation coming up in a week or so (she finally stopped dragging her feet and gave them a date that works for her) and I have no intention of telling her to keep the kid. I will, however, be pushing her to get rid of the car that I co-signed for her and suggest that she be in therapy as well.
Anything else I should push for during mediation? Our custody schedule is pretty crazy right now, it's 2-2-3, I'd like to get that a bit more stable but I'm not sure what works well for toddlers, my son is only 3.

~Larry

ladies_first posted 12/4/2013 13:33 PM

I mostly just fantasize what my life would be like under different circumstances. Is that bad?

You can't change the past. Your 3-year-old son is very much a part of your present.

I want the American Dream. Nice house, loving wife, happy kids, etc.

libertyrocks posted 12/5/2013 17:49 PM

Hi. I'm new on NB board. I totally get you. I want this sucking part of life to pass already. I'm screwed in so many ways. I, too co-signed for the car, the loans, etc. I, too flirt with the idea of NEVER having to see STXH again if he had the boys. But, only for a split second. I, too want the life of being happy. I want to be happy so badly. I feel you, I understand you, I know where you're coming from. I work 12 hour days and see my kids for 20 minutes before we go home from the babsitters M-F. I provide for them.

You, Larry, need to get back on that damn horse that kicked you off (with tough love, that is. ) because your little boy needs you! I have 2 little guys, too. 1 1/2 and 4. They need their dad, too and I know that. EVERY boy does.

Being alone, seperated, and cheated on for a good 3 years of my life, then lied to for another year while in false R, has made me pretty hard these days.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 5:53 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

mixedemotions posted 12/6/2013 01:45 AM

silly, right?

Nope! Not silly at all. I think with medicine, therapy, and lots of other services we sometimes lose sight that we are the consumers and have the right to shop around, that it's nothing personal to the provider, it's just not a match. Or, maybe it is personal and that would be all the more reason to switch! Especially with counseling you develop what feels like a personal relationship with your clinician. But, even friendships should end if they're not working for one party, right?

Non-direct counseling works wonders for some people. It sounds like you've already recognized that it's not for you. Therapy is about YOU as the consumer, not about her. If she's personally offended by you switching then once again, all the more reason to switch.

Here's something silly for you... I hesitated to try out different nail salons because I didn't want to "cheat" on the people I'd been going to. And, I considered going back to the same stylist after a terrible haircut, just because I thought she was sweet and I didn't want her to feel bad. Now THAT is silly.

persevere posted 12/6/2013 02:09 AM

Larry, I agree with stronger08, don't do anything that gives up time with your child. In the end, that will matter most. Do what you feel is appropriate for any property, but stand firm with regard to your custody/visitation arrangement.

You are not that far out - it takes time to heal and to see how well you are doing. I'm almost 3 years out from my blindsided Dday and I'm learning more and more about me all the time.

You can do this, and deciding to accept outside help can only benefit that.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/6/2013 20:13 PM

What helps me is continually planning for the next getaway, just as if I were married still.

Every single instance my sons and I can get out of this town we do it. Maybe it's only once every 6 weeks. Being somewhere else is awesome because I am forced to concentrate on something else, even a couple of towns away.

Your son will most likely want to live with you when he's older, so try to really encourage that relationship. Your XW will prob be broken up with this guy and off to another one, so your son is really going to need you to be around.

I cringe for you having to stay near your xw for that many years, but we do what we have to for our kids, right? I have only 5 years left. I have already decided where I am moving to when son #2 graduates. Florida!!!! I'm getting the heck out of this town!