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StillLivin posted 12/3/2013 16:00 PM

I've gained a wholelotta insight here these past few months. Matter of fact, wish I'd found this place as soon as I suspected he was having an A.

For me, now, the red flags for future relationships one day will be:

1. Whether he remembers birthdays and important, to me, events...and how much effort he puts into celebrating things that are important to me. It is a sign of selfishness, and whether he values me enough to make some form of effort on me.

2. Whether he gives his share of the help with grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, yard work. Does he happily assist, or does he sit around watching football and waiting for me to do everything. I'm tired of being someone's Mama, housekeeper, landscaper, personal assistant, babysitter, cook, etc. But by the same token, I don't want a slave either, I want a partner or I'll be by myself.

3. Whether he can handle rejection? I don't want someone who pouts like a child when I won't hang out with him when I have a paper due or when I've got a sick kid to take care of. Grow up, get over it.

4. Whether he is willing to do things with me or for me that he just doesn't want to. I want someone that understands that a relationship is about sacrifice on occasion. It shouldn't be all of the time, but hell, if I want to watch a movie that he doesn't want to and I was game enough to watch his stuff the last 2 times, fair is fair and it's my turn now.

I would love to have some more red flags from all of you. Each person has a different perspective, and I want to be amply armed before even considering going into another relationship (which I don't see for a long time).

[This message edited by StillLivin at 4:02 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

StillLivin posted 12/3/2013 16:29 PM

My supervisor had to add another one.

Honesty, or rather, lack of it, even in small fibs can be a serious indicator.

How did I forget that one. Sheesh!

stunnedin12 posted 12/3/2013 17:28 PM

Critical / comparing

If I ever get compared to chickie again and/or criticized about something stupid, I'm out of here.

Yes, I'm serious. I am worth so much more than being criticized for my accent!

Wh WILL be spending YEARS affirming me - afterall he spent years being critical and it all started the same time he found chickie.

Ostrich80 posted 12/4/2013 01:14 AM

A big one for me isi
Do they seek out attention, confirmation, or opinions more from others than SO?
I never paid much attention to my ws need for "atta boys" so much more from others than me. He doesn't value my opinions. He gets almost giddy when someone else tells him he's doing something well. Seeks outside attention.
Just a small example but I bought him some cologne that smells so good on him. It's just yummy. He kept wearing this other one that I hated. I finally suggested he wear one night when we went toa get together. Every woman there told him how good he smelled. He' started wearing it all the time after that. I don't buy it for him anymore cuz he's not wearing it because I liked it, he was wearing it because he liked women telling him how good he smelled.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:19 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

stillprettyupset posted 12/4/2013 05:38 AM

Oh, Living...that list just tripped me out. WW and I are trying R and my gut says she ain't trying so hard. She forgot my birthday. Talk about your suspicions being validated.

I think we have another chat coming soon as a result. Thank you.

HereWeGo62 posted 12/4/2013 06:57 AM

Do they seek out attention, confirmation, or opinions more from others than SO?

^^ Ostrich80 nailed it! I think this was the biggest red flag for my FWW and she has not changed one bit after 2 years of IC. She constantly posts crap on facebook looking or attention and she non-stop mentions all the great compliments she gets everyday from her coworkers, etc. It F'n drives me crazy.

I would add another red flag also:

They start to talk about someone excessively and then suddenly they stop. My FWW did this, when she was in the middle of the A she actually used to always talk bad about him but she stll mentioned him.

[This message edited by HereWeGo62 at 6:57 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 12/4/2013 07:55 AM

Another one for me is:


Undefinabl3 posted 12/4/2013 08:21 AM

She forgot my birthday

I can totally understand forgetting the date of your first kiss, or the date of your first date, or even the date of the first time that you said I love you.....

but your BIRTHDAY?!?

Seriously....i mean, just how?

SoVerySadNow posted 12/4/2013 08:27 AM

Yeah, I've been tripping all over those red flags for years.
Wish I had been smarter. Or maybe less trusting. That's just sad.

Ostrich80 posted 12/4/2013 08:41 AM

They start to talk about someone excessively and then suddenly they stop. My FWW did this, when she was in the middle of the A she actually used to always talk bad about him but she stll mentioned him

Well right back atcha nailed this one.
I swear if I had a penny everyy time my ws spoke negatively of ow, I would be a rich woman. All of a sudden, it was as though she disappeared into thin air...never spoke her name again. When I asked him, hey where has ow been, he actually said ow I needed to put a last name on her. Effin snake!!

StillLivin posted 12/4/2013 14:03 PM

Wish I had been smarter. Or maybe less trusting

Honestly, Soverysadnow, how could we have known. It's hard to think like a pathetic cheater when you aren't one. It's just like trying to predict what a crazy person thinks. But, that's why I'm asking for signs. I know my STBXHs, but just because all of our cheating spouses acted like POS doesn't mean they all had the exact same flaws. I just want to know others that had different red flags so I can educate myself for the future.
stillprettyupset, you're welcome. Hope the knowledge helps.
Stunnedin12, Ostrich80, Herewego62, Chrysalis123, and Undefinabl3 thank you all for great input. I will definitely watch for these.
Though, I don't think I'll change too much about how I am. I don't want to be "that" girl. The bitter and completely untrusting one. I don't want to bring that baggage to a future new relationship. I like who I am, but I'll make sure proper boundaries stay up in future relationships.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:04 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 12/4/2013 15:44 PM

OMGosh, I just remembered a huge one...well it's more of a dealbreaker
Lack of sex.
I have needs asshat. Sorry if you were getting your jollies sticking your dick in Shrek when you should have been at home taking care of a real woman.
Uhggggg. Think I'm reading too much SI today folks.
Hope it wasn't too much TMI.

cl131716 posted 12/4/2013 16:05 PM

I agree with Ostrich and will add to it the need for constant reassurance. My WH was an empty bucket. I gave all I could give and it still wasn't enough. He had the balls to say "well I told you I wanted more attention". OMG buddy! I was 8 months pregnant, taking care of a 11 month old in addition to his FOUR kids from a previous marriage, and trying to keep the house from falling to pieces. EXCUSE ME for not being able to find time all day long to message you on Facebook while you were at WORK.

Also going to add....jealousy and double standards. If someone constantly has issues with something you are doing and appears overly jealous yet had no issue doing the very things they accused you of....something is very screwed up.

StillLivin posted 12/4/2013 16:33 PM

jealousy and double standards
OMG I forgot that one too.
Stunnedin12 added critical. At first, I thought, nope mine wasn't. But then, I remembered all the PA critical comments.
How did I forget that. It's like I buried it somewhere. I must've been in my own fog.
So, adding overly critical and expecting WAY too much attention to the list already compiled. Moving to the top of the list, actually!

myperfectlife posted 12/4/2013 17:29 PM

The housework/responsibility thing is a HUGE red flag for me.

Also-conflict avoidance. Never Again. I would rather fight with a stubborn SOB than someone who is too afraid to voice their opinion. That is just a recipe for running away from real issues.

Another one is someone who says they could never, ever feel for someone else the way they feel for you.
I always knew that him saying that was going to come back on me and it did.
Finally he DID find someone who made him feel "that feeling" and justified having an affair with her because she was the only "other" person he'd ever felt that way about.
Of course- in the end that was all just bullshit, but the idea of thinking that you can only ever feel that "giddiness" or what-have-you with one person ever- is childish and immature.
In my opinion at least.

StillLivin posted 12/4/2013 17:53 PM

Also-conflict avoidance. Never Again
Another one is someone who says they could never, ever feel for someone else the way they feel for you

OMG how did I forget these too! HOW?

SoVerySadNow posted 12/4/2013 20:19 PM

It's hard to think like a pathetic cheater when you aren't one. It's just like trying to predict what a crazy person thinks.

This brought it so clear to me. Thank you.

Some of the red flags I remember were:
He continued to act single after we got married.
He was always off with tennis pals, never home.
He ran away every time there was a crisis and I needed him the most.
He was distant in front of coworkers.
Lying! Major lying.
He was more interested in ego strokes from other people than me.

Why did he bother to get married, I wonder?

Scubachick posted 12/5/2013 02:06 AM

He's always been jealous and had double standards. I couldn't figure out why he would over look certain things that normally he would never agree with. Like he's never been Ok with me having a girls night or going on a girl trip so I never did. Then my best friend asked if I wanted to fly to Miami for the day and my husband was totally cool with it. Even went out of his way to change his schedule to pick our son up for school so I could go. This is the first and only time in 20 years he's "allowed" me to go. Well he admits now that it's because he was feeling guilty for running around in middle of the night with OW. So red flag for

StillLivin posted 2/14/2014 16:30 PM

Someone asked about this recently...finally found it.

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