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How do I let go of my parents

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lost94 posted 12/3/2013 22:23 PM

I've read a few things on this site about removing those that were not supportive of your marriage and/or those that enabled you from your life. I am wondering if anyone has had experience with removing their parents from their lives? My parents did not enable my A, that I can see. They were my sounding board and basically told me that they would support whatever decision I made. They never told me to pull my head out of my ass .... Is that in anyway enabling me? Should I be finding a way to disconnect from them too? My BH has said several times how unhappy he is that they didn't support him and our marriage.

lost94 posted 12/3/2013 22:25 PM

Oops ... Did not mean to have a stop sign on this post. Sorry

MairISaoirse posted 12/3/2013 22:53 PM

i know i'm not supposed to post on stop sign posts, but since she said it wasnt supposed to be, i'm hoping its alright?

if you try editing the post, i think you can remove the stop sign.

I'm also very curious about this topic as well, as my mother doesn't support my relationship, but actually encouraged me to flirt with other men

HereWeGo62 posted 12/4/2013 06:43 AM

lost94,

To me it does not sound like you need to distance yourself from your parents. They did not condone the A and were only trying to support you.

You didn't mention what you were telling them but I am guessing it was about problems in your M. Remeber they are only getting one side of the story and that side is coming from their daughter so of course they are going to support you.

Have you told your parents about the A? Maybe you should discuss the issues with them, set them straight on the facts and make sure they are aware of all the feelings involved, especially your H's.

My FWW didn't tell her Mom until I filed for D, and she has never told her Dad. Her Father will no longer speak to me and her Mom confessed that an A on her part caused their D 20 years ago. My relationship with her family is rough at best but I would never ask my FWW to cut ties with her parents unless they were directly involved with the A.

I sure hope this all works out for you and your family, take care.

heartache101 posted 12/4/2013 07:30 AM

Some parents support their children by never calling them out.
Me I would sit both down and let both son and DIL know I do not support infidelity.
No you dont have to cut your parents off. Yes you should tell them you are dissapointed in them and tell them why.

lost94 posted 12/4/2013 17:01 PM

Herewego62,

My parents are aware if the affair. I was upfront and honest with them from the get go. Whenever I would ask them about what to do in regards to my M they just said that is your decision and we can't make that for you.

Thanks for the replies, we'll see what I decide!

caspers1wish posted 12/4/2013 17:27 PM

Yikes, it's really tough being a parent. For some people, it's so easy to tell your parents or your kids or your in-laws or your friends what douche bags they are being. For others like me, it's just not my style.

Sometimes I think people are too quick to write people out of their lives, and this coming from someone who has cut their parents out of their life, but it wasn't done lightly and without serious reflection and thought, it took me years, and my parents were really pieces of shit.

As a parent, if my child comes to me and they are cheating, I would let them know I don't approve, but I can't make their choices for them, I can't live their lives for them. I don't see that as enabling their behavior. No matter what, they will always be my children. If they were drug addicts, I wouldn't give them $$ to buy drugs, take them to their dealer, whatever. If they were cheaters, I wouldn't cover for them, I wouldn't lie for them. I'd hope to encourage them to make choices that are healthy, affairs aren't healthy, but I can't make them live by those truths, they are their own persons.

I get kind of lost when people have expectations when it comes to the in-laws. My daughters will never NOT be my daughters. Sorry this is rambly, I'm in one of those moods.


pointofnoreturn posted 12/5/2013 09:14 AM

I didn't have to let go of my parents for this reason, but overall they aren't healthy for me and its a lot easier to just keep my conversations with my dad short and sweet. I don't talk to my mother anymore.

I think this could apply to other family members as well. After the ONS with guy #1, my uncle congratulated me. He approved of it, despite me feeling completely sick and wrong for what I did! I didn't know it at the time, but his behavior towards infidelity was very toxic, and I moved out of his home, thankfully.

These people aren't friends of my relationship. They are my family, but I don't think anyone, save for a few who are indifferent, approve of my relationship.

The ironic thing is it should be the other way around. My BBF's family should be disapproving of ME. Thankfully, my BBF didn't tell any of the family (I said he could if he wanted to). I think it would have added more stress for the both of us (name calling and silent treatment for me, pestering him to dump me from them).

Sorry, rambled there. But yes, if they aren't a friend of the relationship, then you shouldn't feel obligated to keep them around.

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