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Am i rugsweeping or doing right?

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olwen posted 12/4/2013 04:58 AM

Hi all,

R is going very well here, I just have a quick question.

As we are moving forward I find I am thinking of A less and less. My therapist wants me to notice the thoughts then distract myself so they don't consume me. I think we are going to face actually looking at the thoughts later once I have learned soothing techniques.

What concerns me is if I push the thoughts out of my mind and don't feel the pain and face the pain am I rugsweeping?

I have had months of dwelling on the pain every minute almost and now it feels unnatural to distract myself. Almost as if if I don't stop and dwell on it then I am ignoring it and it will bite me in the end.

Or should I just enjoy having some control over my thoughts so I can have some happiness in my life again?

Control thoughts, notice them and distract - or stop and dwell on them so I don't bury my hurt?

Also when I think of what they did I sort of can't think about it cos I can't believe it really happened. It's too surreal, my H couldn't have done that! Yet on a logical level during the day I know he did. We have talked and talked, I know what happened and I accept it but at night when I am falling asleep I imagine them together and can't believe it happened.

Am I learning to control my emotions or just not accepting it actually happened. At first I could imagine it all too vividly and couldn't get it out of my head. Now It seems I can't get it into my head.

I hope that makes sense. I think of it but can't dwell anymore cos it doesn't seem real. It's like I am watching the movie but it's not my H its just a man who looks like him.

Is this a good thing after 6 months of constantly thinking? Or does it mean I am rugsweeping?

Will be talking to my therapist about it tomorrow, just wanted any advice I can get.

I know he did it, I just can't imagine it anymore, like I have gone over it so many times and my brain is not trying to put it in a box, something bad happened but stop thinking about it for now kind of thing.

[This message edited by olwen at 5:18 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

brokensmile322 posted 12/4/2013 06:03 AM

Hi Olwen,

I so understand what you are asking. This was me for the past few months.

Let me back up to answer your question. I think it depends- I know, I know. I didn't really answer it, but I will try to explain.

6mths out if very early out. There is a lot of ruminating and obsessing that goes on for a long time in the first year and beyond. The subject IS front and center and I think it needs to be…at least for the immediate future.

For me, I am approaching dday 2nd antiversary. I am a bit farther down this road. So for the past few months, our MC has been telling me to do just what you have said, to distract myself, change my thoughts etc…

It felt unnatural to me too. My daily, almost constant, thinking, obsessing, etc… had become commonplace. It had become almost a safety net of sorts. It was as if my pushing the thoughts away would then make my WH not as aware that this shit is still here. I was afraid to let go. My MC said I could rehash anything in counseling, but to skip it, skip the thoughts outside. I was to try to enjoy my WH, our time together etc…

I really think he suggested this for me because he wanted to 'force' me to see that I WOULD be ok if I didn't let all the thoughts consume me all day, every day. He also wanted me to see how it changed my interactions with my WH. We were no longer discussing only this stuff. It worked.

The first week after I did it, it was fine. But then he said to do it another week and I was pissed. I said to the MC that I felt that I was not being true to myself or my feelings. The MC said that I was at a turning point. I could stay steeped in my thoughts and let them consume me or I could try to move on from them. Staying stuck in them would make me bitter, he said.

So against my better judgement, i decided to give what he said a try. And it worked, slowly. It now has been several weeks. I WAS stuck, BUT

and I caution you here, I was stuck after a very long time after dday. My WH (and I think I can almost put the f there now ) has done a lot. He has changed a lot. The MC has helped change his thinking. He has done some major actions where he has chosen me first….hard actions that mean a lot to me. He has been doing all the things that people talk about for a long time as well to try and R. It was time.

I think what your counselor is saying to you can be effective, but I don't know if it is your 'time' yet. Your IC could be telling you this for a short term diversion so you can make it through the next hour or as in my case, a long term diversion to make it though weekly. I did do both. I would suggest going back to IC and talking about all this with him. I think you will know if it rugsweeping or if, in fact, like me, you need someone else to give you permission to shelve it for the time being.

Hugs Olwen. This is not easy!!

olwen posted 12/4/2013 06:18 AM

Thanks, that made a lot of sense!

It's not like I am not thinking about it, I am but have been able to stop analysing this past few days.

I think to be fair I am probably jumping the gun cos I have only felt this way for a few days.

Just spoke to H about this and he says just enjoy the respite cos he fully expects me to get hit again any time now. He reckons I will start to get the odd day here and there where I feel good and I should just go with it cos the bad days will return and I will need my strength to deal with those. Can't believe he 'gets' it so well! He says he expects me to have bad periods for years yet and is prepared for them and will be keeping a close eye on me so he can help.

I haven't ignored any feelings at all for 6 months, I have dwelled I have written and rewritten what happened, I have questioned and sleuthed, ranted and raved. Cried for what felt like months on end.

I think I will just enjoy this peace.

I don't see the benefit of making myself brood on it at the moment. So I have decided to go with the flow for now.

I think my mind has decided to give me a little holiday from the hell of reliving it day after day and H's support has been amazing, I think that really helps too.

It feels wrong to force the mind movies just to 'keep it real' and stop myself getting on with other things and moving forward.

I feel quite certain now, after reading this and speaking to H that this is a temporary respite and I am just going to enjoy it.

also just realised that although what they did in the car seems like it's unreal if I imagine them doing it on our kitchen (where I later sat and had a cup of tea with them both then it feels more real. Cos I saw them together in that setting.

Don't know if that makes sense. The pain is still there but only if I stop and think about it.

[This message edited by olwen at 6:21 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

bionicgal posted 12/4/2013 08:17 AM

I have wondered the same thing. . . only 5+ months out. I want some peace, but feel like the obsessing and revisiting is still needed -- but honestly, not getting anything from it at present.

steadfast1973 posted 12/4/2013 10:45 AM

It's only rug sweeping if you are ignoring problems. Like I did for four years. I weakened my boundaries, ignored flags. Listened to people telling me I was stupid and controlling about getting "jealous" of porn...

Not thinking about the A constantly is a good thing. (I'll verify when I get there...) And not rugsweeping.

olwen posted 12/4/2013 11:01 AM

Definitely not ignoring problems, we are both on the same page, working hard and still discussing A but focussing more on the M. All is good right now

Rebreather posted 12/4/2013 11:12 AM

Learning to control obsessive thoughts that do nothing that batter your already battered psyche is not rug sweeping. It's a healthy coping skill.

You aren't NEVER going to address them or NEVER going to think about or talk about problems or the affair again. You are simply becoming in CONTROL of those thoughts rather than allowing those thoughts to control you.

olwen posted 12/4/2013 11:52 AM

Thanks everyone, nice to know I am on the right track.

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