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False R...I need to change my tag line

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mitz66 posted 12/4/2013 06:49 AM

I have been a member since 2008. I wrote in my tag line that we finally had successful nc since December 2012. Not...I had to do some paperwork that required phone records. I have not looked for one year. I really feel gullible. WH never stopped contacting her. Several phone calls a month. I confronted over the phone as he is away right now for 2 months, he attempted to downplay it saying it was work related and only 4 times. I called him on his crap and told him um nope the phone records show multiple times a month for the past year. I told him we had been to this rodeo several times, there is no work related. Then he tried to blame me saying he had nobody to talk to...umm how about me?

He then said he tried to reach out to me, that he did not want to feel like less of a man telling me how he was struggling. I told him I considered having phone contact with ow was being less of a man. I also said I didn't know what to even say to him, then my dog died the next day and I have been so raw that I haven't had it in me to confront him about it more. I think Friday is a great day to do that.

Anyone else been through multiple false R's and have any advice?

StillGoing posted 12/4/2013 07:10 AM

No advice, just wanted you to know you were heard.

Do you have any friends or family you can be near for the next couple of days? That was a serious double whammy.

MOTG posted 12/4/2013 07:13 AM

I have a lot of thoughts about this. But no concrete answers or advice. I think this is where IC comes in, they need a safe place to emotionally vent with a person who is not going to feed their ego. I could see how venting to you about you may make him feel some kind of way and if he doesn't know how to communicate effectively it could be hurtful to you and even though the EA is what hurt you to begin with he doesn't know how to cope with his feelings in a healthy way. So he reaches back out to an emotional connection he knows. We speak but they don't hear us.

At any rate I understand where you are coming from. I hope that helps even a little.

steadfast1973 posted 12/4/2013 11:48 AM

Yeah. I had 4 years of false R. As far as I can tell he never broke NC, but... worse, he had sex with a prostitute after months of daily porn (some days for 6+ hours). I have no advice... I stopped checking, too... so I feel your pain.

Rebreather posted 12/4/2013 11:51 AM

I'm sorry honey. You shouldn't have to go through this.

My false R was only 3 months, so I don't have this kind of experience. I know for me, though, that 6 years out if I found out he was calling her several times a month? I would file for divorce the next day. I will not accept that.

Holly-Isis posted 12/4/2013 12:25 PM

The only advice I can give about false R like this is whatever line in the sand you drew, you need to stick by it. There needs to be consequences.

During 2A MrH "thought" I would D him. After d-day he saw that I wouldn't and took the A underground. His entire entitled, cheating attitude began to change when I started talking about how I had consulted with an attorney (our pastor gave me the referral BTW- that brought MrH up short too ). I talked about dealing with where I would live with the kids and how, when he came home from deployment he needed to have somewhere else to sleep. All of that was even before I found out we were in false R and it's what made him go NC with xOw2 before 2d-day.

I have left him no room for doubt that if there is another d-day or continued contact, there are no more chances and I will implement a scorched earth policy in his life AND her life, jobs and careers be damned. I would rather support two kids on a small teacher's salary than ever be disrespected like that again.

Right now your WH has learned he can do what the hell he wants. When you find out he has to soothe your ruffled feathers then he can go back to doing what he damn well pleases again. What can you do to make him realize you're serious? That he's not only hurting you but disrespecting you with every break in NC? What consequences are you ready to dish out to your WH for breaking your boundaries by maintaining a GF in your M?

This attitude of his is concerning because even if he truly does go NC with OW for good, he seems to believe he's entitled to seek out a third party in the M. It increases your risk of being betrayed all over again.

Dawnie posted 12/4/2013 12:42 PM

I consider that a deal breaker.... on all levels. If I were you I would move towards S and D.... he obviously doesnt get it.


Trying2Survive1 posted 12/4/2013 12:42 PM


We had 6 years of false R as unbeknownst to me FWH was still in touch with his ONS from 07 (while we were seperated and he didn't tell me about). His reason? He wanted to have a backup if we didn't work out! Nice, huh?

Well, I can say that after I discovered her and confronted him he went NC, we are back in MC and are finally in true R.

Sometimes it can be so complicated.

tushnurse posted 12/4/2013 15:04 PM

False R from broken NC hurts like a MF'r. No doubt about it.

My H was the king of broken NC. Took about 2 months for him to stop. What finally stopped it? Me calmly and quietly sticking to my line in the sand. I handed him my rings, and said I am done. Pack your shit, and get out. You can see the kids this weekend. No tears, no emotion just very very flatly, and with conviction.

That's when he finally, really got it. That's when R really started. Prior to that we were heading that way, and stumbling everyday.

Please make him suffer some consequence for this, if you don't he will continue. If you do, he may finally get it, and if he doesn't he does not deserve you in the first place.

(((and strength))))

Kierst13 posted 12/4/2013 15:30 PM

Anyone else been through multiple false R's and have any advice?

I have been there, you can read my profile if you like.

He has shown you who he is time and time again; believe him. I would and did walk away.

mitz66 posted 12/4/2013 16:12 PM

Everyone, thanks for your thoughts, advice and letting me you are there. I believed I had drawn a line in the sand, we lived separately for a long time before living together again last December. I really did believe that he was finished with ow. The good thing is that he is away for two months. I think I feel kinda numb to everything. I think when I really start to feel the emotions I will be very angry. Anger can be a good motivator for change for me.

I do have one very good friend who has stood by me through the past 6 years and she is supporting me daily. I have been able to compartmentalize everything and get through my work days. I have two more days to get through then I can really focus on this crap. Again thanks for your support SI, I haven't posted in quite awhile.

Dare2Trust posted 12/4/2013 20:55 PM


The mere fact that HE LIED TO YOU when you confronted him about the continued contact with OW...would be enough for me to kick his butt to
the curb!

he attempted to downplay it saying it was work related and only 4 times.

All I can ask is -- What else is he lying about?

momentintime posted 12/5/2013 00:35 AM

Sorry not appropriate for Reconciliation forum.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:45 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

crazynot posted 12/5/2013 00:40 AM

So glad you have a friend to support you. I had false R but only one spell... because when confronted he just ran out on us to OW, and that to my ultimate salvation is where he stayed. He realised he couldn't stay in a relationship with me because he didn't love me, which hurt like hell. But not staying did me a huge favour in the end.

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