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Could someone please articulate this for me

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ItStillHurts posted 12/4/2013 07:14 AM

I am approaching DD and believe it is best to be busy. I am worried that the stressors in my life right now which are not related to the A (work, adult child who has moved home after a failed relationship, 16 yr old grandchild, exhaustion) will reduce my ability to cope on this day.

H on the other hand prefers low key this year and wants me to tell his family that my family is flying in and we will not have time for them this year. I am leaning towards inviting his family, surrounding myself so I do not endlessly or needlessly dwell in a well worn pit of emotion on the 24th and picking up my family at midnight, going to church. It will be the first time I will have seen them since DD. I can easily see myself getting strung right out over this if I let it. I need a plan.

PostA, I just could not cope and this (retreating to recover) was one of the sad by products of the A. My elderly mom did call me the year after DD to say she understood, that things happen in people's lives that not everyone needs to know about or understand and this let me know she loved me still, and allowed me to heal without feeling pressure to still be the "good" daughter. We did talk on the phone during this time and the frequency has improved in terms of the number of times we talk now. It is relaxed and happy vibe now, finally.

For those of you who have been there/done that, can read and articulate emotions better than I can who have worked through this in therapy, or who can move past reacting intuitively as I do, share your thoughts please.

FYI, Generally, I regard the A season as August, peaking on DD, and through to Feb as we coped with the worst of the fallout. I am mindful during this time to make sure I can cope, deal with emotions so they don't run high. I feel good about this this year for the most part. We did very well on our anniversary by visiting our son and not trying to celebrate our years together but enjoying ourselves in the present. (His idea).

SoVerySadNow posted 12/4/2013 08:41 AM

I'm not sure I can be of great help- I just had the first anniversary of DD myself. But I do encourage trying to keep hydrated (sounds silly but correct water/electrolyte balance in cell structure apparently helps) and eat. Get rest, more than you think you should need.

Having said that, Finally10 attempted distraction of the antiversary with a fabulous trip to Hawaii. Even lazing on Waikiki Beach and hanging out on North Shore didn't prevent the train from slamming into me full on and causing a complete meltdown.

So intuitive reaction may just be on it's own schedule and perhaps all you can do is be good to yourself and get through the first anniversaries.
I wish we weren't on this journey.

ItStillHurts posted 12/4/2013 18:21 PM

Thank you! I forgot the staying healthy part involves taking care of me physically too.

Scubachick posted 12/4/2013 20:10 PM

Just went through mine last week. In the morning, we were actually joking about it. I told him I was going to get him a cake saying Happy Skanky Whore Day. I was surprised that I was taking it so well. As the day went one, I slowly fell apart and then lost it. At the exact time he was with her I texted him saying " Just think...u were living it up at this exact time last year...couple drinks by now..all loosened up...partying like a single man out with your woman. Date night! U partied with your whore until the sun came up. 👿Such a Rockstar. I hope your balls fall off" so yeah, not my most mature moment. I wish I could have handled it differently. I hate that I give up so much of my power to something like that.

My advice is to keep yourself busy. Try not to think about it. It will only make you upset.

jo2love posted 12/4/2013 23:04 PM

Scubachick -

Please remember to follow the guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

musiclovingmom posted 12/4/2013 23:21 PM

I don't know if I'll say anything helpful here, but, I stayed busy on dday anti. My son had a cardiologist appt. Then we took both the boys to my MIL's, packed, drove an hour to have dinner with my parents and met some friends for drinks/dancing at OW2's favorite bar (yes, her fav bar is an hour away). We had a hotel by the narrow-gauge train tracks. The next morning, I had breakfast, alone, at a picnic table as I watched the morning trains come by. I had a good cry and then woke up my H and we set about the rest of our weekend away. I swear the week(s) leading up to the anti were worse than the actual day.

ItStillHurts posted 12/5/2013 19:10 PM

Thank you every one for your replies.

I am bumping again to see if any wise SI'ers that have made it throughout the holidays at the 3rd, 4th or better mark can weigh in.

I know holidays are a favourite time to out the affair, I'm not alone there.

I prefer a positive me but do not want to set me up for a melt down either.

And, I know the stress is creeping....I'm losing focus in my workouts and wasting other peoples time I managed to park my car in the garage and forgot to turn it off last week and went to bed with a beef roast in the oven last night...losing focus. Pretty sure it's not medical...just this DD/Christmas thing again.

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