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ChoosingHope posted 12/4/2013 09:37 AM

Well STBX now claims that he is not a SA. And that he no longer engages in dangerous activities. My attorneys want me to hire a PI. Has anyone ever used one? IF so, can you let me know how it works here - or maybe PM me?

It's not bad enough that I had to pay $7000 to criminal attorneys last month. Now I have to pay for a PI.

sparkysable posted 12/4/2013 09:46 AM

I did more work and got more answers doing surveillance myself and with my friends than paying an expensive PI. However, I did it for my own knowledge, and I'm sure everything I found would not hold up in court. I think that a PI's word would hold more than the word of the betrayed spouse.

Beyond posted 12/4/2013 09:56 AM

My BFF hired a PI to obtain proof that her XWH was, in fact, a WH. She picked a time period when she knew it was likely he'd be seeing MOW. Coupled with the GPS she put under his car, it worked like a charm. Total cost, including GPS unit, was about $2k. She considered it money VERY well spent.

XWH, of course, was all bent out of shape that she had "invaded his privacy."

ChoosingHope posted 12/4/2013 10:06 AM

Thank you both. SparkySable - I was able to track him online for months and months and print out all his "stuff" but now the trail has gone cold, plus I can't use a lot of it in court. I don't think a PI could have tracked him as well as me.

I'm just worried about paying thousands of dollars at this point for someone to sit outside his apartment waiting for him to come out all day and night.

I'm just exhausted I guess. Dealing with PIs and criminal attorneys just freaks me out. I never thought I would be in this world.

I guess since the attorneys want me to try, I'll do it. Just more debt.

cmego posted 12/4/2013 10:21 AM

What. The. Hell. ?? So he has finally gone underground? No way he stopped, unless he is in major therapy. Can you subpoena his therapy sessions?

First, I'd ask your L for recommendations, or point in you the right direction. I think a good PI might be what tips the scales in your favor. I'd guess he has just gone deeper underground, and I would get the documentation that he isn't doing it "any longer".

Ask if you can subpoena Craigslist or Facebook.

You might wanna go dark on SI too.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/4/2013 11:49 AM

I'm a PI.
What questions do you have specifically? If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

Nature_Girl posted 12/4/2013 12:19 PM

I didn't, but if I'd had the money I would have. I wish I did.

It may be the case that your STBX is going to be able to white-knuckle his way through to the end of the divorce. There may not be a whole heck of a lot to be gained by staking out his place. But what about his partners in perversion? I'm wondering if the PI could also spend some time investigating that angle? And also, what about a forensic accountant? It occurs to me that a forensic accountant report combined with your documentation might go to prove past behavior, and then if the PI is able to establish anything happening now, then that shows the future will probably include more of that activity.

Beyond posted 12/4/2013 13:09 PM


I definitely wouldn't recommend retaining a PI to sit outside his office all day in the hope that "something" will happen...that could prove very costly. Is anything (an event, work trip, time you'll be away, etc.) coming up that would provide him with "free" time? If so, that's the time to pounce.

The way it went down with my BFF: There was a period of several consecutive days during which she was in Place X and her children were in Place Y, leaving WH alone in Place Z. She assumed (correctly) that he'd use this as MOW time. So she hired the PI to start on that particular day. Her now-ex WH did not disappoint...PI probably had everything he needed on day one of this endeavor, but my BFF paid him for a couple more days, just in case.

The evidence (mostly photographic) was VERY useful/beneficial to her in the divorce. The PI also was willing to go to court if my BFF needed him (she didn't).

hathnofury posted 12/4/2013 13:14 PM

I have to agree with NG. Even if he wasn't white-knuckling, IDK how a PI would "catch" anything useful. I mean, from the things you have shared in the past - OW and him having sex parties in the basement of her home, etc. - how could a PI possibly capture that? It's not like tracking people in an affair who will eventually lie about where they are going and slip up with affection. He would be smart enough not to go to questionable places until the D is final. He won't have anon hookups in his car, etc. All you would get is him visiting with people in his home or theirs, and unless he picked someone with a police record, why would a court care?

Yeah, I think a forensic accountant would be a better value for your money. And it would track any new suspect activity better, like NG said, which would give you an actual reason to hire a PI.

Thefly559 posted 12/4/2013 16:30 PM

I do not know where you are from but the only thing that will help you in a no fault state is if you can prove neglect to the kids because of the affair. Otherwise nobody cares , and I mean nobody but you. And me. Those words are from my lawyer and every other one I interviewed. Sucks but save your money if you are in a no fault. Good luck.

Beyond posted 12/4/2013 20:33 PM

TheFly is spot on in that generally, under the law in most states, adultery doesn't matter. In some states, however, being able to prove adultery enables you to get a divorce ASAP, versus having to be separated for X amount of time.

With my BFF, her WH first denied (even with photographic evidence! LOL!), then admitted...then denied again when it came time to go before a judge. Yes, he's that much of an ass. So the PI proof enabled her to get rid of the SOB.

trumanshow posted 12/5/2013 06:35 AM

It matters in NC as far as property division-and since we had a business it matters to me

The is how I ended up getting half my retainer back:

1. Checked with L on legality of GPS on his vehicle
2. Hired PI (got recs from him)
3. Set geofence around OW's house. When it alerted my cell that his truck crossed it-I called PI so he or a partner could go over there
4. Since there was no wasted time for the PI I ended up with a refund

I have plenty of evidence myself but needed/wanted something from an unbiased professional as well for court

Compartmented posted 12/5/2013 08:30 AM

It's not bad enough that I had to pay $7000 to criminal attorneys last month. Now I have to pay for a PI.

Sounds like my X. He was trying everything he could to put financial pressure on me to settle.

I agree with the others that it might be hard to catch him doing anything. At this point he is probably watching his back all the time. With a throwaway phone and a "grindr" app, he could be accomplishing his sexual activities quickly and with no trail.

Is there any evidence that you already have that is admissible? I think this pertains to custody more than financial issues in the settlement, right? If you have some evidence that can be used, maybe you could go with an expert witness that could testify as to sex addiction's effect on his parenting?

If he is just trying to starve you out, can you go on the offensive? I remember once we got to the potential witness list stage, things got interesting. Maybe an expert witness would rattle his cage.

As far as getting his therapy session records, I wonder if each state has different rules for those. I think there is protection for them in my state.

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