So I have been away for a while, just passed 3 years from DDay and we were doing well in R. She had a long-term PA with a coworker on 2010. I found out, and the TT began for another 6 months (that was the WORST!). We have 2 children and I decided to stay and work on the marriage, a tough choice but the one that felt right.
I set clear boundaries and guidelines for her to follow to save our marriage. The most important one was curbing the lies and getting help with making better decisions. She has always had a problem with lying to avoid uncomfortable situations. This has created many problems in our marriage in the past. There was, I believe, significant progress in our relationship for the past 2 years. She became very active in her churches Celebrate Recovery program. Developed many positive relationships and seemed to understand and accomplish the need to reinvent herself.
In January of 2013 I lost my job in Tennessee. We had to make some tough decisions and decided to pursue a position on the East Coast. We moved away in June of 2013. I did not realize how difficult it would be for her. She is no longer attending any churches, has lost touch with her friends and has started to show signs of returning to who she was in the past. This past weekend I caught her in a seemingly nondestructive lie. She had agreed to a compromise and I later found out she did not agree with the mutual decision we had made, so she decided to do what she wanted regardless of my wishes or our agreement. Nothing major, a decision regarding a cat we have and it living outside as it has a problem with "marking" territory. As the weather turned colder we agreed to allow the cat - lets call her Ms Pissalot - to stay inside in out utility room at night. I was very clear and she agreed, no further into the house than the utility room.
I came home early from work one night this weekend to find the cat in the house - BAM - triggering right back to the lies, deceit and destructive behaviors that nearly tore our family apart.
Her response - "oh, I am sorry, it will not happen again" with a cute little smile on her face. WTF. What little progress I had made on allowing trust back into our relationship feels betrayed! I am now angry, disappointed and reliving all of the lies from the past - and there are MANY. In can not help but feel this is a sign the tiger does not change her stripes, the lies and deceit, the disrespect and betrayal went away when it was focused on, but as soon as the guard is down, it rears its ugly head again.
I sat down and discussed the situation with her and of course for her it was about the action and not the behavior. She seemed to understand why it had affected me so hard, but now we are 3 days out and the silence, the avoidance and the walking on egg shells are back. She has not come back to me to talk about how I feel, what I shared with her since that night. Just. Silence.
Really it is only a cat, but it is so much more. Part of me feels silly for allowing it to hit me so hard and the other half is pissed off and considering separation and divorce to avoid continuing to feel disrespected and deceived.
Ms Pissalot is back outside, but the ugly mistress - distrust has moved back in.
Am i over reacting? Is this my new reality and how I will have to function in a marriage moving forward? I expect steps backward, tough times, but I do not expect such a passe reaction to how I am feeling. I can not allow her to be fast and loose with the truth and trust, can she not see that?
Arrrrggghhhh!