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looking forward posted 12/4/2013 09:41 AM

My H cannot sleep, even with a small dose of lorazepam. He wakes up at 4 a.m., and can't get back to sleep.
We have been under a very stressful situation for the last three months, now postponed until January, and our relationship has been very strained.
He told me this morning that he wants sex, that he wants blow jobs....that this will help him sleep.
Of course, blow jobs were and continue to be the angst (as in source of good for having this finally in our sex life, but also the act I performed on OM 40+ years ago) of our relationship.
H has had LOTS of BJs in the last 4+ years.
But what about my feelings? I asked. We start off snuggling, a little kissing, then it's time...
After, he's exhausted (great...that was the goal), but I would like more for me.
So now he's in bed, trying to get some sleep.

...Oh, and Happy Anniversary.
We met 46 years ago today in high school.
We agreed 4 years ago that this would be our new anniversary.
..feeling very sad...

Any advice?

[This message edited by looking forward at 9:54 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

steadfast1973 posted 12/4/2013 10:38 AM

Have him do you first. My H likes to do it at the same time...

lieshurt posted 12/4/2013 10:45 AM

Any advice?

He wants you to blow him to help him sleep? Is he waking you up to have you do this? Wow...that would make me feel like he's using me as his own personal blow up doll.

I'd tell him to get his butt up and go do something productive instead. Hard work will tire somebody out too. Or, take a higher dose of lorazepam.

looking forward posted 12/4/2013 10:55 AM

@lieshurt

No, he isn't waking me up to do this.
We go to bed together.

The fact that I didn't experience orgasms myself until 4 years ago is also a huge factor in our sex life. He pleasures me on different nights, as I am too exhausted, happily so, to go down on him.
It's a conundrum.
I think we've only experience mutual orgasms a handful of times in the last 4 years.

olwen posted 12/4/2013 10:58 AM

Can't he masturbate when he needs help sleeping?

2married2quit posted 12/4/2013 11:01 AM

May just craving some endorphin?

I think he's either using sex as escapism (guilty here) or perhaps he needs that connection?

lieshurt posted 12/4/2013 11:01 AM

No, he isn't waking me up to do this.
We go to bed together.

What about staying up later? If he's waking up at 4:00 consistently, then perhaps his body has adjusted to that time.

ladies_first posted 12/4/2013 11:30 AM

I think we've only experience mutual orgasms a handful of times in the last 4 years.

Oh, and Happy Anniversary.
We met 46 years ago today in high school.
We agreed 4 years ago that this would be our new anniversary.

On my (old or new) Anniversary, I'd want an orgasm too. But since it's only happened "a handful of times in the last 4 years" you need to take responsibility for your own pleasure.

He told me this morning that he wants sex, that he wants blow jobs....that this will help him sleep.
Cool! He made a respectful and unemotional request. Now you need to do the same!

steadfast1973 posted 12/4/2013 11:43 AM

Mutual orgasms are a treat. I never had one before, until about two years ago. Yep. it was fantastic. I mean, i have had orgasms way before he does... (and a couple the other way around) but only about 3 times have we had one at the same time. and he takes too long to finish from a blowjob... I can't "finish him off" that way. (I have maybe twice in the 11 years we've been together. But then, it also used to turn me on to do it, so I didn't want to finish him off) Have sex instead. I prefer it to oral, anyway.

looking forward posted 12/4/2013 11:51 AM

He doesn't want to stay up later.
He's too tired to wait until 11 p.m.
I believe the stress hormones are dominating the other hormones, thus nullifying his ability to sleep. But he won't consider any other medicinal interference, nor IC or MC.
Me, I need help! Now!

ladies_first posted 12/4/2013 12:50 PM

Me, I need help! Now!

What, exactly, do you need?
*your turn, either before or after he comes?
*more foreplay?
*manual stimulation?
*oral stimulation?
*vibrator stimulation?
*WHAT?

Articulate what you need from him.

He pleasures me on different nights, as I am too exhausted, happily so, to go down on him.
While simultaneous orgasms are rare, sounds like you want both of you to achieve orgasm, regardless of who comes first.

tushnurse posted 12/4/2013 12:56 PM

OK so you have been together for 46 years, so that tells me you aren't kids, there is a natural process of needing less sleep that happens in middle age, and if he is waking at 4 am, and has had good sleep, and isn't tired, then he needs to get his ass out of bed and do something.

BJ's for sleep is not a healthy method to overcome the issue. I mean, once in a while fine. But if he expects this to be the solution to the problem, that isn't really acceptable.

Rebreather posted 12/4/2013 13:34 PM

I'll take one for the team now and again, but I expect on the grand scheme for things to just sort of even out. When it's out of balance, I get cranky. I don't think I'd be cool being someone's personal sleep aid.

steadfast1973 posted 12/4/2013 13:37 PM

Right.

looking forward posted 12/4/2013 14:03 PM

No, I don't need self-pleasure help.
I need life help.
Even some cyber hugs would help.
I am feeling so alone today.

ladies_first posted 12/4/2013 14:11 PM

(((looking forward)))

Take a step back; the problems, and the solutions, will still be there tomorrow when you feel stronger.

Rebreather posted 12/4/2013 14:14 PM

Well hell, hugs we got!

(((looking forward)))

Sometimes the stress is too much. Go treat yourself to a peppermint hot chocolate or a pedicure or whatever brings you peace. You deserve it!

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