"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

GotPlayed posted 12/4/2013 11:50 AM

My story is on the "Lots of serious issues" thread on Just Found Out if you want to read it. I wanted some feedback to know if we are truly, finally, starting R.

I had not been doing the 180 and she was feeling accosted by me following her around the house, checking up on her, insisting on NC constantly, etc. I told her I'd back off and decided I'd do the 180. Since her chief complaint to "push her into A" was my "ignoring her", I warned her that I was going to back off, maybe a lot, and that it didn't mean I didn't care, it just meant that I don't know an appropriate midpoint.

48 hours of 180 later, I got a text saying she would be checking into a hospital for depression. I called her and she said she was calling the outpatient line, and she'd call me back in a few minutes. I waited and she texted back saying she felt better and was driving home.

5 minutes later she called me. Crying profusely. Apologizing for everything she put me through. Saying she understands now, and that she had seen him for the last time. She destroyed his rear window with rocks!

When she came back I told her I was proud of her. She says the fog came off while he was talking to her. She realized that since D-Day he has been using extortion to force her to continue seeing her (she only agreed to meeting him again because he threatened to visit the house to "sit with everyone and have a conversation"), and as she was calling to check into the hospital (he followed her there after they met) she realized "he's driving me crazy and destroying my family, and he's not worth it". She snapped. She broke his window, she hit him, and threw rocks at him. He got into her car and she pushed him away and almost ran him over! Then she drove off and called me.

She is now extremely apologetic. I must have heard "I'm so sorry I put you through this" and "I can't believe you loved me through it" a hundred times. I'm very happy. She stopped answering his texts or phone calls, and let me have her phone so I'd help her blocking him from all services. We agreed if he shows up at the house, she won't open the door and just call 911.

I took the day off work yesterday to spend it with her. There were many text messages and about 17 missed calls. She showed me the recent text stream, an all-night crazy stream of him spewing with no answers. After a lot of lame "let's work on this baby, let's fight 4 us", we decided to send him a final note, threatening to call the police if he ever attempted contact again. We then went to the store to change the phone#.

The last incoming text before we changed the # said "maybe I'll start contacting your husband instead then". Creep. This AM I got a "No caller ID" call on my cell phone. I didn't answer it.

So I don't know if we're officially in R but we're close, and I finally feel some real honesty from her. She's been slowly and politely volunteering info about the A (always along with "I'm so embarrassed" and "I'm sooo sorry") without me asking.

She now seems committed, she now realizes what I'm going through, and we both are *so* relieved that we no longer have to worry about the phone all the time. We're still worried about the ex-con's reaction but given his legal issues we don't expect anything too serious, hoping the lack of contact will take the oxygen off his obsession.

Had my IC yesterday. Our therapist is very happy but says he will need to talk to her about the violence of it on her own IC I told her "at least therapist didn't ask to see you right away".

I now feel quite a bit more trusting, and she does too about me.

Comments and advice welcome.

bionicgal posted 12/4/2013 12:04 PM

Gotplayed,
So sorry for your situation, and even more so that that your wife's AP sounds like kind of a scary guy. It is a good sign that she is showing you his texts, etc. Maybe you two can get on the same team again. But, it is actions and not words that will determine whether she and you are really in R.

It sounds like your wife may have turned a corner, but buckle in, because R can be a bumpy ride.

Keep posting!

GotPlayed posted 12/4/2013 12:13 PM

Thank you.

I expect bumpiness. She told me yesterday that if I ever notice her doubting, I should just tell her "He's an A***hole, he only thinks of himself". She said "I'll know what that means and it will definitely stop me".

Her hand is torn up a bit because she finished destroying his window with it (didn't break, luckily), she says the pain in her hand and shoulder is a good reminder and the little scars from the glass will be a more permanent one. I'm sure it will be hard for her (I need to start reading on withdrawal), but for now we're both pretty relieved.

We switched cars, so I'll be driving hers for a couple of days. To throw off the dog in case he shows up.

Over the next couple of days I hope she starts reading on the topic. She's been avoiding it until now but as the MC said, continued contact, no matter the circumstances, is a huge distraction. Hopefully she'll start working on it.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/4/2013 12:19 PM

We switched cars, so I'll be driving hers for a couple of days. To throw off the dog in case he shows up.

I don't think this is a good idea. What if he starts looking for YOU, you know, to "set the record straight", and ends up stalking her?

GotPlayed posted 12/4/2013 12:25 PM

ThoughtIKnewYa,

Good point. He lives 2.5 hours away though. So if he shows up it will be at the house.

We envisioned my car being at the house, him knocking, as you say "to set the record straight", her checking the door and simply calling 911.

And of course I know what kind of car he drives (she told me yesterday). If I see that kind of car with an unrealistically-new looking window I'll know what to do.

karmahappens posted 12/4/2013 13:32 PM

Hey Gotplayed.

Welcome. It's a tough situation and stress is huge right now.

So take a breath and be good to yourself. Listen to your feelings, know this has nothing to do with you and give yourself time.

You ask if this is R. Please know, this is my opinion and I come to it from my experience, so do not take my advice unless it suits you.

So supposedly she has come to her senses and realized what she has done. She is suddenly ready to be transparent and wants just you.

Sorry, I am going to call bullshit. She has no right to be making promises right now. She has just, within the last few days, claimed to have ended her affair. She is probably confused, guilt ridden and worried about her future. She can't accept R yet, she has done nothing to even deserve the gift of R.

She has just blown up your marriage and there is a fire here. First you need to put out the fire. You both need to get into some IC, it isn't time for MC yet. MC comes into play when both people have taken steps towards personal healing. She has to find out what is going on with her. You have to deal with the fallout. Today you love her, tomorrow you might want to get a shovel and dig her a ditch KWIM? It's a roller-coaster.

Don't put a name on where you are, just be. Concentrate on getting help and getting through the next few months. Your wife has a lot of work to do before you offer R. Offer it now with desperation and fear of saving your marriage and it is an invitation to rug-sweep and find yourself back here in a few years.

Deciding to R takes a long time, really deciding. Taking time for the healing to start and work to be done will help you both going forward. If she is really sorry, really wants to figure this out she will want to take the time too. She will be ready to do the work to get to a point where you can both enter R from a healthier, emotionally stable place. Not a place of fear.

It takes two healthy people to mend a broken marriage. If you have started to mend a marriage before you mend yourself and she herself you will still have a marriage that's broken...KWIM?

Heal, spend time, get your answers, feel your feelings. Feel free to be angry, sad, mad, happy and everything in between.

When the time comes to decide on the rest of your life R or S/D you will be on a path that will naturally take you where you should be.

For now, relax and just be. Learn to live in the moment.

You will be ok, just give it time.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:42 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

confused615 posted 12/4/2013 14:02 PM

I find it troubling that she blames the OM for destroying the marriage. OM couldn't have done anything if she hadn't allowed it. She is placing the blame on OM..and,creep or not, she CHOSE to have an A with him. She needs to stop blaming him.

She hit him and destroyed his property? So, he now has the power to blackmail her with jail? he would be well within his rights to call the police. If he was blackmailing her before( BIG if), and it worked..what's to stop it from working again?

You both seem to be placing the blame on OM. And now both of you are concentrating on him,when she should be dealing with her issues. OM doesn't matter.

I read your other posts. You told her you forgive her. Why? I mean that sincerely. Forgiveness needs to be earned..by consistent,honest,loving actions.

Please don't rugsweep. It will backfire.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:09 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

GotPlayed posted 12/4/2013 17:23 PM

Thanks for your comments.

This is the "right now". She has said before that she went to him and not the other way around, so she's not blaming the OM for everything (back when all our conversations were angry). The therapist is aware of that and wants to explore that for sure, and he has reminded both of us a couple of times that the OM is definitely in pain, but NC is important because "he should be getting his own counsel, all that happened to him is that he lost his lady friend". As I said, therapist wants to explore the anger issue on her IC.

Blackmailing by saying "I'm going to the police" doesn't worry us, in fact, we wish he'd call them - talked to a lawyer already who says he'd be stupid to do so, particularly given the record of her calling the hospital and otherwise clean slate - he continued harassing her during a time of mental weakness. If the police back at his hometown get wind of yet another pattern of harassment he'll definitely never see his kid again. The worst that would happen to WS would be paying restitution and maybe a fine.

As far as I am concerned, he has told me I'm going well on the healing process, that I need to continue to write in the journal my thoughts and fears (and yes, there are many). We discuss them and he is helping me with them.

I'm still waking up at 2am and 4am every morning full of worry, but I actually have started eating since this NC episode so I'm turning a corner. I'll take it slow for sure.

The way I see it, she started by denying. Then she switched to rage and reflected guilt and was there for a while. Then confusion and guilt, and she kept the reflected guilt. Since this episode though, she has completely stopped blaming me for any of it, so reflected guilt is gone. She blames herself for the A (has said a few times as much these couple of days), and him for blackmailing her past the time she decided to end it with him. I'm hoping concrete actions will come next.

I'm hoping she starts reading up again soon, now that she no longer has to worry about OM issues. I'll bring that up in a day or two.

When I say I forgive, I don't mean I accept the wrong behavior, or even that I trust her (and in fact, I have been consistently insisting on her needing to earn my trust again - I called this a very good first step regarding that, but nowhere near where we need to be). What I mean is that I won't hold it over her head forever (her main fear stopping her from wanting R), that I choose to let go so I get back to my own happiness whether she is with me or not. I'm not going to continue drinking the poison of anger and expecting to get better. I'll work on myself. She can work on herself. We'll figure it out even-headed.

On my end, I've been very angry but that's faded, replaced by sadness and mental exhaustion (in fact, I'm probably so happy about this *precisely* because I have been so sad and I'm a natural optimist).

But I was still madly in love only 4 weeks ago. With all the hurt, that didn't just go away. That plus the stability of my kids makes my intention clear - easier to repair than to split. I'm fighting for something larger than ourselves. If I find myself in a different place six months from now from what I find out from here to there, I'll worry about that six months from now.

Thanks for clarifying the timeline and the mechanics for me - please understand I don't want to rugsweep either, and I wasn't aware that R was something I was supposed to offer after conditions are met (I thought it just "started happening" at some point after NC).

I want us to be healthy adults again, and be able to resolve our issues as such.

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/5/2013 00:37 AM

I think the fog can lift with a bang as it were. That happened with my fwh. It was before I'd discovered SI so he told OW it was over by phone with me listening and she showed her true sociopathic colours. And he realised he'd been played. And who I am and who she is and all manner of stuff came out. FOO, traumas, the realisation that he's actually ill and I just held him because I love him and he's not well.
From that moment he felt we were in R. He certainly developed remorse, started reading and looking after me.
Did I believe it was R? Maybe at the time but it's 10 weeks on and we are both in IC and starting MC in the new year. We are working on R now. There was a bit of TT but that passed v quickly after the fog lifted.
So in summary don't rush this. Watch and see his she is. Take care of you. And see if R is what you really want and try to just be.
Good luck.

momentintime posted 12/5/2013 01:01 AM

If he does find a way to reach you, take the power out of his call. Tell him you know all you need to know and that you will not discuss your wife with him, Period! If he tries to talk over you, just hang up. If he calls again, hang up. Then block him.

GotPlayed posted 12/5/2013 15:07 PM

Thanks, Marathonwaseasy and momentintime.

Marathonwaseasy, thanks for giving me hope. I really think this is what is happening. I know I'm carrying more water than I need to in this, but her anger issues mean she'd never do it on her own, so I need to be the rock that she hangs on to. Sucks, I know more than anybody. But she's reacting very positively so I think it's working.

Yesterday she came by with my daughter to clean my new office (I just moved to a new space).

Late afternoon I was having a rough time. I felt depressed, took a bath and couldn't stop crying (didn't let her see, of course). I tried to play it cool, saying I just didn't feel very well (cold weather and all) - luckily she wasn't at the house when I was in there crying. She brought me soup to bed and stayed by my side.

She showed me this morning how he tried contact once more through another social network we missed because she never uses, showed me how she told him to drop dead, and we plugged that hole as well. I thanked her for her honesty. Honesty always wins.

Today she came over for lunch with me. She apologized a few times again. I brought up the reading, she said she'd pick up the books as soon as she felt able, that the guilt is too overwhelming for her right now, but she understood why she needed to do so, to please just give her some time. She's hanging out with some lady friends at Church today (there's another couple, solid, real good friends of the marriage, who we hang out with and we both have confided in), and she's expressing some interest in church activities since Christmas makes it a good time to rejoin without too much fuss. She knows I can easily verify so I'm sure she's on the up-and-up on this. She is trying to get a new weekend babysitter to start this weekend so she and I can go places by ourselves. She's really trying.

I got a couple of "No Caller ID" calls yesterday. I'm not answering them. Not only am I taking "the power" off the call, I'm taking the oxygen off completely. Not dignifying him with an answer through any distance medium.

He has my phone number and address, but he's too much of a coward to insist via multiple calls (like he was doing to her - 17 calls and almost 100 messages the last night before we changed #) or drop by. If he were to visit I'll pick up the phone and simply tell him "I'm calling 911". I don't want to see him or talk to him and he knows it. And after everything that has happened even a first contact can be considered harassment. I've read up and verified with our lawyer on Civil restraining orders, and while she can't interpose a civil one, I can absolutely do it, and then include my WS and my children in the list of no-goes, so at the end we end up with the same legal effect. I doubt he'll actually try though.

sodamnlost posted 12/10/2013 14:24 PM

She told me yesterday that if I ever notice her doubting, I should just tell her "He's an A***hole, he only thinks of himself". She said "I'll know what that means and it will definitely stop me".

Maybe it's just me but THIS jumps out at me. I'm not so much buying the story she gave you on what happened with his window. I'm more inclined to believe he dumped her, not the other way around. Be VERY careful, sadly I don't think this is over yet for her.

whiteflower99 posted 12/10/2013 15:10 PM

Please don't rugsweep. It will backfire.

Please take this to heart.

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/10/2013 15:11 PM

Why did you hide your tears?
She did this
How can she own it if you're protecting her from the consequences?