I hope you get the answers you need.
It's so frustrating. He says that he 'doesn't want to hurt me' with more details. I've told him that I will get over far easier if I can put everything into some kind of narrative. But it's 32 years of stuff. I guess that it's really too much to ask that he does remember what he was doing and where and when...
We are 18 months out. He's doing as much as he is capable to make things better and I really don't think that there will be further cheating [famous last words?]
If you can get your WS to provide a time line that suits your purposes, then good for you. I wish you lots of luck but will live vicariously while you go about it!
My WW's A ended in '98. I found out about it in July 2013. What I have gotten is not so much a timeline, but more a series of disjointed memories of the A.
I found it very helpful as did our MC. WW has said forcing herself to write it out has caused her to reflect on her actions more so than ever before.
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998 D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
But remember,it has been 2 years.
When you get the timeline and find some things are off take into consideration what it is that doesn't match. Little details for them, get lost. The BS's remember every detail told down to the color of the toothbrush someone used.
His memory may not be perfect, so unless there is a naked lady on fire screaming in the closet I would let little inconsistencies go. You want to be clear on the who, what and why's. Not get caught up in the fact that last time he told you the story her shirt was blue and now it's purple...KWIM?
When they are in the middle of an A it is a whirlwind and they don't figure they will be required to have a deposition years later.
I hope you find what you need to close the door on this.
(((hugs)))
Good luck to you 1emptyglass. The only thing I have to add (and in a previous post I was told it was helpful) was to write your own timeline under his. That way he can see what was happening in "real life" while he was in the A. I am not talking every detail but the major things like a death in family, moving, first day of school, etc.
When FWH told MC he was finally willing to give me a timeline, she was not too hip on the idea. She thinks I am just reliving old hurts.
IMO a MC or IC should NOT be telling what you need or dont need. She can warn you that it may bring more bad memories to the surface. But on the surface is where stuff gets handled.
As for the WW forgetting. I dunno. WW remembers pretty much every place we went while we were dating. She remembers every my misstep and foible of our marriage. So why cant she remember where she and OM went? And at least at a general level what was talked about?
As Karma said tho. It depends on how detailed you expect the information to be. Small details are likely lost. But I feel your WH should remember the larger events.
I think it would be a good idea to really try and not make WH sharing to unpleasant for him. Crying and beating him up over what you have asked for is not going to encourage him to come forward with anything again.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man. Friedrich Nietzsche
I just want the real story of the affair....how it started, who knew, where they went, plans they made together for the future. He didn't want to do the timeline because it would be painful, his way of coping is to forget it ever happened. My way of coping is to know every lie and for him to be accountable. If it is painful to relive....we'll welcome to my life every day since Dday.
Deep in A season, closing in on D-Day #2 and still no timeline. I no longer need it for me, but I can tell you that I get irritated when significant days come up and she is unaware.
Then I feel as though I don't have the right to address my feelings. Dec 18th 2011 he gave her a heart necklace. She wore it and kept it even after I knew it was from him. This year when I see heart necklaces when I am shopping for Christmas I am just sad I was so angry with her last year. I am progressing just fine.
I'm pretty sure that a timeline would help her if she was really focused on dealing with her self and what caused her to give herself permission to lie.
It's the ongoing lies and betrayal that are the most significant. The attitude about our marriage that created the fertile soil allowing for the affair. The lack of boundaries and small lies that come from taking the easy path instead of putting in the effort. Then the sense of discomfort knowing that secrets are separating us as a couple. The bitterness that builds in a person's heart when they can't turn to the one person they should be able to... Surely it's their fault. So you start picking. Then you start comparing...Then the comments from the A partner come and you share feelings with him. That's when it really started. The ground work was done and watered and in came the chance.
We are doing well as a family, and for a couple we are making pretty good progress considering the 2-5 year estimates. We can have conversations now that we couldn't have six months ago.
The timeline? I made mine. It was never about what happened and when, it was about transparency and intimacy. Ours, not theirs. My wife calls it her "bubble." Perhaps one day she'll feel close enough to me to allow me in to it. She talks about that period of time, but she avoids it. Writing it down would be like admitting it was real. She still gets defensive about the timeline. I think she would benefit more from it than I would at this point. For me it would be a painful trip down memory lane.
I'm ready whenever she is. I knew this would hurt when I decided to stay. The feeling of healing on my own I didn't expect, but so be it.
I'm closer to God because of it. You can probably tell I still have some trust issues, but I feel like those are legitimate. Time. The infamous time word.
I love my wife and family. Love is a verb. I still believe that with all my heart. Saying "I love you" isn't the same as risking your heart. Relationships that are worth it are gonna hurt. Heck, my kids can cut me to the quick when they're angry. I have learned not to defend myself. I hope it makes me a better Dad, a better husband, a better friend and a better person.
It ain't about the glass being half full or half empty, it's about being thankful that we have a glass with something in it.
Blessings!
At any rate, your husband should probably work on this one on one with the MC before he reads it to you just to make sure it accomplishes the goal intended and that it is not read in a TMI way. I don't think it is too late - especially if after 2 years you still have questions that have gone unanswered. It is supposed to be a very big part of the healing process. Also, I put together my own timeline which included texts of his lies and it showed what a jerk he was to me and that shortly after the start of the affair he was coming and going as he pleased and was basically a horrible husband and not present father so that he could be in his affair (interpret that any way you'd like to ). I read that to him as sort of an "impact statement" after he read his timeline. I wanted to show him the havoc he wrecked upon his own family who he proclaimed to love and how ridiculous he looked playing "father of the year" when he was around.
The "urgency" of repairing damage has passed. We are healing. We are not longer in crisis mode. Things have balanced out in that we both feel more secure in our relationship. Even the rollarcoaster has become tamer, although there are still sudden steep dips that come out of nowhere.
I worry about complacency. In the beginning he was ready to talk whenever I needed to. He understood its importance and my need to ask questions. He still does but our talks now have to be scheduled
Whereas at first they were top priority, real life moved in and our connection time has moved on down the list of "must-dos".
yes, I still need (want?) that timeline. And I hope it isn't too late. I understand the memories may be foggy. it was a very long affair so the events are repetitious.
I don't expect much more than a generalization of events and conversations, but I would like him to organize his thoughts on his FEELINGS at various times during the A.
Only then can I compare it to my feelings and perceptions of what was going on in our life and family history.
I still hope that he will do this for me, if only because I say I need it. He may not see the importance of it at this point but I won't give up asking. In doing it he will make good on his promise to "do whatever it takes" to make things right between us.
I really don't think it is asking too much, so it makes me a bit sad (and sometimes quite angry) that he hasn't dedicated himself to it. I think it is part laziness, part complacency and part an unwillingness to stir up uncomfortable feelings.
But I still want it. When he writes it, he will be showing me his actions match his words.
Make it safe for your WS to share, prepare for immediate pain and know that having the timeline aired is an opportunity to work on it and then never have to relive it again.
Also, provide the questions you want answers to. That will help them in the process. Otherwise, what is important for you to know may not be what they think is important for you to know. For example, I wanted to know about all of the money spent on hotels, gifts, travel, etc.
