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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Do I have it all?
peoplepleaser
♀ 41535
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So DDay was September 6. I suspected there was someone else from the first week she had private phone conversations with a friend of a friend to sort out our relationship problems. I was made to feel crazy, of course. Five weeks later I found phone calls to a number I didn't recognize and was devastated to find the name of the person (someone I didn't know very well, and didn't think WP knew well). At first she insisted that they were just friends, but when I didn't believe her I gave her one night of amnesty telling her the relationship was over if any more information came out after that day. She then revealed an EA, saying her intent was to talk to someone about the problems in our relationship but developed a closeness or affinity for the other woman. She said she wasn't attracted to her, but that it felt good when the other woman flirted with her, cared about her feelings and made her feel important and wanted. She said she ended it the week before when the woman invited her over to "be together." Over the next few weeks she insisted I had everything, but I was sure there was more than the phone calls because WP is a texter, not talker. When I ordered the history of texts, she then sat down to write out her account of the A story and then realized how many texts there were. Worse, there were more than calls and of both WP initiated twice the amount the other woman did. I was heartbroken again, and felt betrayed all over again, though WP insists she didn't "remember." There are some inconsistencies though that I'm having trouble getting past. She is again emphatic that I have all the information. There were two texts from WPs phone one each two afternoons (with no response) after she told me she ended it--the last one was the afternoon before I found the phone calls. She says she didn't do them and it's a phone company mistake. Also, she says the first week they corresponded she talked with the other woman on the phone, but there is no phone record of that call. WP is positive she never talked to her on her work phone, so I'm confused about that, too.

She has been somewhat defensive, but open to answering any questions I have about the details. However, lately she has been pressuring me to move forward and telling me that even though I have all the information I'm just not going to feel like I do. Last week I realized that I would be able to recover the entire text history from her phone's cache. Several times I tried to get her phone, but she took it back. After a few days I told her I was getting suspicious that I can't have her phone. So, I decided to just tell her one evening that I am going to retrieve the texts, but she left her phone on the hood of her car and drove away demolishing the phone. I tried to get the backup files from her work computer only to find out that two weeks ago the computer was wiped clean. It's just adding more suspicion. In addition, little bits of information keep coming up (like she had offered the woman a job in an interview two years prior, but due to circumstances was never able to fully hire her after that--said she forgot).

Every time I've suspected something or that there is more, there has been. I realize, however, that I've been traumatized which weakens my ability to trust my instincts. So, what I'm asking is, how do you know when you have enough information to move on? Can you trust your instinct that there is more? Is it important to get that information? I want to trust her, but with this nagging feeling that there is more, I'm unable to move on.


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 927 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#1- Trust your gut, and your gut is telling you there is more.

My suggestion is to tell her that in order to make you feel better you'd like her to take a polygraph test. If she has told it all it will be no problem for her. Her reaction will speak volumes.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38956 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She demolished her phone...

Do you really need to question your judgement here?

She is lying.

I would pull a 180, stop asking and go stealth.

FTG


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to trust her, but with this nagging feeling that there is more, I'm unable to move on.
You answered your own question.

My BH was like you. He could not move on when his gut was screaming. His gut was right, there was more. Once it was all out (and I took a poly), he was able to move forward.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38956 | Registered: Sep 2007
peoplepleaser
♀ 41535
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right. It usually takes another eye on the topic to see clearly. I never considered a polygraph. Are they expensive? I'm worried that might be overkill. How do you decide that it has reached that point?


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 927 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to concur -- she demolished the phone? Does that sound like the actions of someone who is being forthright?
I am so sorry.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peoplepleaser,

I'd suggest you re-post this information in The Just Found Out Section....you will receive lots of help, support, and suggestions.
Frankly - I do not believe your marriage is in "Reconciliation" because your WW (Wayward Wife) is consistently telling you lies, and hiding things from you.

Your question: "Do I have it all?"
NO you do not.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6197 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 7

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