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Response to Email about Taking Infant DS

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NewMom0220 posted 12/4/2013 17:49 PM

If you follow my posts you know that STBX scheduled his first visit with DS and cancelled last minute due to "car trouble "(cough, bullshit). He said he is now coming this weekend on Fri night after work to Sat. I asked him to let me know what time to expect him on Fri night and that DS is in bed by 8pm. I also asked him if he was coming with anyone.

He replied:

I am trying to get out of work a little early so I can get there between 6:00 and 7:00. Aunti SIL, grandaddy, and grandma are coming. SIL was only free Friday and Saturday hence the change up. She could really use some DS time after losing [her dog]. We will probably pick him up Saturday around 10:00 and return around 7:00.

Now how should I reply to this. I want to say:

There is no way in hell that I'm gonna let you take my baby anywhere you lunatic. Do you think I'm stupid? You won't agree to every other weekend but you'll drive down here and get a hotel to spend a few hours with your boy because you and your family want to pretend I'm just some surrogate mom who is gonna hand over her baby for one week on and one week off just so you can avoid child support and your mom can relive her baby making loser. You were never around and now you wanna play the victim/ father of the year while some dumb lawyer tells you I'm gonna end up paying all of your legal idiot.

Sorry for the lack of punctuation. Anyone want to condense this for me into a two-three sentence appropriate response?

LadyQ posted 12/4/2013 18:15 PM

Well, I'm a bit farther down this bumpy road, and I say if you absolutely feel you must respond, do it like so:

I'll have him ready.

Really, anything else is just ego kibbles for the drama llama.


Kajem posted 12/4/2013 18:20 PM


It is a complete sentence. It took me 40+ years to learn it. I knew it when I was a toddler and forgot it by the time I was married.

Seriously, tell him that you will bring DS to him on Saturday morning. That way you will know where he is supposedly staying. Call the hotel in the morning and ring his room to make sure that he is awake before you drop off your son.

If they are checking out on saturday, what is stopping them from checking out and leaving with your son?

I think I would stick with him like glue...

Hugs, the more I think and write-the more nervous I get. Sorry.


NewMom0220 posted 12/4/2013 18:21 PM

I guess I didn't explain my situation well. He can't take the baby anywhere. We don't agree on overnight visitation and he's threatened to take the baby in the past. I can't allow him to take the baby anywhere until we have a signed and enforceable agreement. I've agreed to certain visitation but he disagrees and we are at a standstill until we get in front of a judge. In the meantime, he can visit with the baby at my parents house, but he can't take him anywhere and he knows that.

Sorry I should have explained it better. I'm also NC with him so posting the above is a bit of a joke. I would never send that.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 6:23 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

ladies_first posted 12/4/2013 18:22 PM

So, you moved 2 months ago, and this weekend is about visitation with DS, 9 months; this weekend is not about your marriage and not about divorce.

Keep email to questions of visitation only:
"I agree to you plans for a short visit on Friday evening, from your arrival between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m. and his bed time at 8 p.m.
I also agree that you will pick up DS on Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m."

If you must include mention of the divorce: "I prefer that divorce settlements be handled by our lawyers and not discussed in front of Aunti SIL, grandaddy, and grandma or my parents."

LifeIsBroken posted 12/4/2013 18:23 PM

Do NOT allow this man and/or any of his family to take this child away from your parents' home. If they visit him, they must visit him within the confines of your house. And do not be home alone / without your family member(s) there. Otherwise, what's to stop your stbx from taking your / his son out the door and not returning him to you ? Nothing. And the law would be unable to help you get him back; he would / could remain with your stbx, his parents, etc., until you do go to court. No way I would do this.

NewMom0220 posted 12/4/2013 18:26 PM

Yes, I totally get that this weekend is about visitation and not Divorce. I just posted that reply because it's been frustrating and I wanted to write that somewhere...and what better place than here.

I have no intention of discussing anything about our case and I'm totally on board with him visiting DS and all that.

standingonmarble posted 12/4/2013 18:26 PM

Probably pick him up?? A little to vague for me. Get him nailed down to a specific time, print it out and hope he sticks to it.

Give him a set grace time to be "late", as in "if DS is not picked up by (15 min after set time, whatever your CO/state says) then I will assume you are not coming and will proceed with my plans.

That way you you aren't waiting around all day for his BS and you can keep DS on your schedule.

Also have plans and be ready to leave at the end of the grace time.

If you make it too accommodating for him now, he will run with it and then when you get tired of it and finally clamp down, it will be a bigger reaction than it needs to be. Hold him to the schedule that he agreed to (and document it) each and every time for future court needs. Think of it as teaching him how to respect you as Mother of his child. Obviously he didn't do it before or you wouldn't be here.

Nature_Girl posted 12/4/2013 18:27 PM

#1 - I hope your brother the cop will be in your home, in uniform.

#2 - Make sure there are more of Team NewMom present than there are of Team STBX.

#3 - You aren't planning to let him remove Baby from the home, are you?


How to respond:

Because your Friday night arrival is so close to Baby's bedtime, I would prefer that only you come Friday evening in order to avoid overstimulating Baby. Baby has a bedtime routine that needs to be followed so that he can get to sleep at his regular bedtime. You are welcome to dress Baby for bed & put him down.

Saturday visitation time will take place here in my home. I am not releasing Baby into your custody at this time. Baby's regular feeding times & naptimes will be observed. You are free to feed Baby, change him & put him down for naptimes.

debbysbaby posted 12/4/2013 18:28 PM

"I agree to you plans for a short visit on Friday evening, from your arrival between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m. and his bed time at 8 p.m.

The above is fine to address Friday night. For Saturday I would say this:

"Until we have a written agreement, visitation with DS will take place at XX residence in my presence. Due to threats that you have made repeatedly in the past this is the only acceptable situation. Please let me know what hours Saturday you are available to do this."

NewMom0220 posted 12/4/2013 18:30 PM


No, I'm not letting him take DS ANYWHERE and my family is gonna be with me. We all prepped for this visit last weekend and my parents will be in the house but not out with us. My sisters and my brother in law are gonna be around in the house.

I just want to say in as little words as possible that he can't go anywhere with DS.

Maybe: You are welcome to come and visit with DS at my parents' home but unfortunately I cannot allow you to leave with him or take him anywhere until we have a signed and enforceable agreement that ensures his return to me.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 6:44 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

NewMom0220 posted 12/4/2013 18:35 PM


My sister the cop will be there in uniform on Friday night. Already booked her and she will be getting off work. And Helllllllll Noooo I won't be letting him take DS anywhere. Just had that reaction and thought I'd post it here because he thinks he's a sly fox and can manipulate me.

He knows he can't go anywhere with DS because he's sent several emails about the injustice of having to visit his son at my parents' place supervised. And has sent other emails saying, I know I said I'd take DS from you in the past, but I won't...blah blah blah. So he just tried to slip this in like I'm an idiot. Hence my fake response.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 8:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

ArkLaMiss posted 12/4/2013 18:35 PM

EXACTLY WHAT NATURE GIRL SAID. Or, just say no. You have no orders. They are planning to take him and run. I would say no unless they signed something agreeing to bring him back that your lawyer draws up. He's a sneaky bastard.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/4/2013 18:39 PM

Oh hell no. No way on earth would he be taking my baby anywhere.
I think you're spot on with your response.

hummingbird8 posted 12/4/2013 18:45 PM


They are more than welcome to visit the baby in your parents home but he will not be taken out of the house.

I agree he should not be allowed to leave with the baby at all. If he doesn't like it too bad.

Nature_Girl posted 12/4/2013 18:49 PM

Sorry, your SISTER the cop, not your brother.

And someone is going to block your STBX's vehicle & any other vehicles so they can't take the baby & flee, yes? I'm totally serious. Block them in, block the driveway, something.

Also, I'm wondering if you should get a nanny cam or two in place before everyone shows up? And a VAR or two?

devistatedmom posted 12/4/2013 19:38 PM

Absolutely reply with something like:

You and your family are welcome to visit DS at my parent's residence. Until we have orders in place, DS will not be leaving with you.

Just leave it at that. He KNOWS why he can't leave with him.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/4/2013 19:47 PM

Learned in alanon : As long as you know what the truth is, you don't have to convince anyone else of it. Say what you have to 1x. That's it." He knows the rules about it being at your parent's house. Do not bend the rules now.
Your family will be there to back you up. Lucky you with the sister the cop!!!! LOVE THIS!!!!

Dreamboat posted 12/4/2013 19:54 PM

Immediately contact your L. And when you hear back reply with "After consulting with my L, I cannot allow you to visit with DS without supervision because you have previously threatened to take him and not return. Until we have a signed court order for custody and visitation I cannot allow unsupervised visits."

This is assuming that you have written proof of his threat. If you do not have written proof then leave that part out, but leave in the part about the court order.

I think you are going to have to put on a brave/happy face and spend the day with X and his family. Or get someone in your family to do that. It will be hard, but it will drive home the point that you will not allow unsupervised visitation unless and until there is a court order. The risk is just too high. And perhaps cc his parents on your reply so let them know that HE is the reason that there is no court order (maybe not, consult your L on that one).

Good luck. Maybe he will have car trouble again

anewday78 posted 12/4/2013 20:16 PM

And someone is going to block your STBX's vehicle & any other vehicles so they can't take the baby & flee, yes? I'm totally serious. Block them in, block the driveway, something.
Effing BRILLIANT!!!! You need to do this!!

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