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Betrayed by my own brother!

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workforliving posted 12/4/2013 18:20 PM

Have been lurking here for a while now but only now feel the need to post. My WW was TT on her current lover until I found out she had many more during our 20 year marriage. There was all the signs that I now know to look for but I actually thought she loved and cared for me, how wrong can you be. Have learned a lot by reading all the posts here but am lost in what to do about one of the OM being my brother (what a fucked guy he is)! Had not a clue this bastard did my wife. Have started the divorce and will be over in 6 months but how do you divorce your brother. So I am 4 months past D day and have got a lot of healing in about wife but the brother thing have only know for 4 weeks and trying to get my brain around it and am failing. Help what do you all think should be done he doesn't know I know and his wife will probably throw him to the curb. What a bad couple of months for me loose what I thought was a loving, caring wife and now found out I have a sleaze ball for brother. Family gatherings are going to be fucked up forever from now on because I just never want to see or talk to the bastard again!

BrighterFuture posted 12/4/2013 18:34 PM

Devastating. What selfish and sick people they are. You're right! You married a very loose woman. Others will be here soon to offer some advise!

nowiknow23 posted 12/4/2013 18:48 PM

I'm so sorry, workforliving. A double betrayal, particularly at the hands of your own brother, is just devastating.

Welcome to SI. I'm thankful you found us. This new information will take time to digest. In the meantime, make self-care your top priority. ((((hugs))))

Brandon808 posted 12/4/2013 18:55 PM

Sorry for your pain. If you have the evidence then I'd out him to his wife and the family, but that's me.

In the I Can Relate Forum there is a thread on Double Betrayal. You can find support there too. Unfortunately you're not the first member of SI whose brother did that.

MakingLemonade posted 12/4/2013 19:09 PM

WOW! That's a lot to wrap your brain around. Sorry you've found yourself in this terrible situation but you've stumbled upon the best place for support. Hopefully someone will come along who has unfortunately been in your shoes. I'm so sorry.

workforliving posted 12/4/2013 19:09 PM

I do believe I will give him one chance and one chance only to out himself to his wife and the rest of family. One of these days I may forgive him but never let him in my life again the sorry POS.I never thought the end of my marriage would cause so much carnage and destruction but my life and the members of my family are never going to be the same. I always thought my brother had my back but he is a scum bag instead. And least I forget I had a whore for a wife, not the best couple of months for me but I will survive this and be much much stronger. But for now "holy shit can it get any worst than this" please God no!

Blobette posted 12/4/2013 19:40 PM

I'm so sorry. That is one of the most awful things I've read on here. My heart goes out to you.

In England, there's an expression I've found quite handy: "You've just gotta laugh.". (Pronounced more like "Ya jest gorra laf!"). Basically it's that life is just so awful there's nothing else to do...

Strength to you!

Brandon808 posted 12/4/2013 19:45 PM

I do believe I will give him one chance and one chance only to out himself to his wife and the rest of family.
I would proceed with extreme caution. Be careful about giving him any opportunity to lie and manipulate the family. After all any man who would do that to his brother...well I know I wouldn't be sure what else he's capable of as far deceit goes.

workforliving posted 12/4/2013 19:48 PM

Brandon808 I know my brother did the deed because I saw him two times before I found out about him and both times he never said a word to me when I was talking to him and his wife about the problems I was having with my wife. TT takes a while before you get enough info to act on. And after several months I got a lot more than I wanted to hear. At one affair I was still thinking of R but as the numbers grew and grew and including my brother I was WTF whom was I married to all those years, not the person I thought she was!

workforliving posted 12/4/2013 20:00 PM

Brandon808 I will consider that carefully and you may be right in not allowing him the latitude to manipulate. I lost my wife and do not want to loose my family over something I had nothing to do with. My brother and soon to be ex own 100% of this dispicable act of insanity. What were they thinking this would all remain a secret! WTF is that all about!

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/4/2013 20:00 PM

hi work,

first i want to tell you how terribly, terribly sorry i am for your horribly painful situation. I felt the knife in my own gut when i read your post.

Second, the thing with your brother is very, very complicated, no wonder you can't get your head around it! I'm so so so sorry!!!

One of the best pieces advice i've been given is:

If you don't know what to do, wait. (especially if the consequences could be serious)

It can be very difficult not to act when our emotions are so overwhelming. But acting OUT OF emotions can be also be destructive, even to ourselves later, when we might regret what we did in the pain of emotion.

I don't know anything about your brother, your family, his wife and whoever else might be involved, as well as your relationship with your brother up to this point and overall family dynamics and your family culture. All of these things might have an impact on your decision on what to do next.

It's been 4 weeks since you found out about your brother and you're wondering what to do. None of us can tell you. Have you found yourself a counselor? If not, I would do so first thing! This crap is difficult and if you're 4 weeks in to THIS part of it, i can imagine you're likely horribly conflicted.

Do any of your friends or other family members know what you are going through?

I hope you can find a good IC that you feel comfortable with.


TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/4/2013 20:04 PM

PS work,
i see that you posted that you "do not want to loose my family over something I had nothing to do with."

here's the thing about infidelity.... it's NOT fair. It's so NOT fair in SO many ways and there is often NO justice.

Remember when our parents told us that life wasn't fair: well this stuff is about the best evidence for that.

If you are scared that this could result in losing your family, just wait. This is volatile stuff and it would sad if you lost more.

I know it's almost more difficult that we can take. I'm really sorry.

workforliving posted 12/4/2013 20:20 PM

Maybe good advise Agony but I have been handed a double shit sandwich and I'm not the only one who should have a bite. I will not act until I am sure of the out come if I ever will. That is why I posted on here. I've read nothing but outstanding good stuff not only about infidelity but life in all it's glory and darkness. Right now I'm in the dark and searching for my way home. The divorce is helping muchco but have to do the right thing with brother this shit is toxic and I don't want to carry it. It's not mine, never wanted it, but it could keep me from healing so what do you do with it?

gonnabe2016 posted 12/4/2013 21:16 PM

WFL, I think that Brandon's caution wasn't about the fact that your info may be erroneous....but more along the lines of 'be careful of giving a cheater a heads-up'. In other your brother a time limit to come clean to his wife before you tell her may just give your brother time to convince his wife that your wife's cheating has turned you into a paranoid crazy person who is accusing every male on the planet of sleeping with his wife. "So honey if my brother comes to you and tells you that I schlepped his wife....just ignore him because he's crazed," kwim?

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:16 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

hummingbird8 posted 12/4/2013 21:16 PM

How did you find out about your brother? Do you have proof or is this your WW telling you this? Does this seem like something he would really do or do you think she could be trying to cause more problems?

Either way I am sorry that you are here.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 9:18 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

workforliving posted 12/4/2013 21:38 PM

Good point hummingbird but I already saw him twice just before I found out from WW and was talking to him and his wife about my problems with wife. During the conversations he said nothing just his wife and later I thought how strange him not saying anything. Now I have a pretty good idea why! We are close knit family, at lease I thought we were and him not saying anything I look back I thought I saw fear in his face also, for me I thought but it was for himself. When I left that evening usually they both would come see me off but only his wife did, another strange occurance.

Brandon808 posted 12/4/2013 21:43 PM

Gonnabe2016 is right. In trying to be delicate about it I was too vague. There are many stories of OMs who lied through their teeth to deny the A and they didn't have to worry about the backlash of their family.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/4/2013 21:52 PM

work, i'm in the same place as you as far as this, have spoken nearly the exact same words!! :

"this shit is toxic and I don't want to carry it. It's not mine, never wanted it, but it could keep me from healing so what do you do with it?"

I don't want to carry it either. Never wanted it. Don't know what to do with it.

It's better than it was; i'm about 8 months in. It's the feelings I don't know what to do with. They can feel so overwhelming, sad, physically painful. I want them to go away but can't snap my fingers and nothing I DO will make them go away. So i have to feel them and deal with them. It can be a struggle to cope.

I'm trying to learn from this experience and I
don't yet know what I will learn.

Thing is, there is no easy answer. I wish I had one for you. I wish i had one for myself.

What do you want to do? What are you afraid might happen?

workforliving posted 12/4/2013 22:06 PM

There is no good answer to those questions, if I out him I'm pretty sure there 40 year marriage will be toast. if I don't I carry toxic crap around. Both are shitty. If I out him family functions are going to be strained and if I don't family functions for me are going to be strained. The is a loose,loose and wish for define intervention. As others have suggested maybe let it be for a while heal more then maybe the right thing to do will be clearer???

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/5/2013 00:24 AM

hi again work, yep, that sounds good to me, that waiting a bit for clarity. difficult though it is!!!

I'm so with you: you said There is no good answer to those questions. That's why infidelity sucks like almost nothing else!! And affairs are soooooo common. It blows my mind. People really suck!!

Work, here is my situation. I hope you don't mind the long story....I'm writing this as much for my own clarification as to help you out, if i can. Our situations are different and yet both deal with shitty, and unknown, consequences.

My WS's xAP is married. She has four children, around 20, 18, 13 and 10. I believe she got caught up in something she never thought she'd do. I think my WS and she met and the combination of physical attraction and whatever was missing from each of their lives combined to create the perfect storm. Then it fed on itself, as affairs do, and on and on it went.

I am not excusing her. I have desperately wanted to destroy her. Now I feel just slightly more sorry for her than wishing upon her evil things, most of the time. The tide has turned.

I am conflicted, but I have not told her BS (please no hate mail!!!). Why?

This has been so extraordinarily painful for me, i almost don't wish it on my worst enemy.

If I tell her BS, no matter what, he will suffer horribly. As far as I know, he's a good man. I'm almost sure the affair is over. As far as I know she's not a serial cheater. He might very well live a reasonably happy life until the end of his days, or at least will suffer other of life hardships but not the horrendously devastating shitstorm that this is.

More to the point, if I tell him and unleash the tsunami in his life, in her life, in her children's lives, what does that do for me, for my pain? I might feel some victory, like I got her to eat her own sandwich. I might feel like i did the "right thing" by letting him know the truth. But what if...

What if her BS would've been happier if he'd never known? I think about amount of pain.

Let's say my cup has 100 ounces of pain. If I tell BS, his cup, which now has, maybe 10 ounces of pain, will have at least 100 ounces of pain, just like me, or maybe more pain than me. I don't know about his ability to tolerate pain.

And then what about me and my cup. How much pain does my cup have now? Maybe 95 ounces, I got rid of some of the pain by dumping it on him. But now the world has at least twice as much pain, plus whatever pain to her children and all her extended family. Now we have 5x more pain, or more.

Now i know i didn't create the storm, but i can flip the switch and let it loose. And that matters. I didn't ask for the switch and I'm plenty pissed off that my finger is on it, but that's the way it is. Now what do I do with it?

So I'm pissed off that I'm still carrying her secret. I pissed off and feel like I'm complicit in the betrayal by not telling BS. I wonder if the "principle" of his "right" to know is more important than the misery that will descend upon him and never, ever be unforgotten. Is it my job to tell him or should I let karma do it's thing. Or am I his karma?

The point is if I tell and let the secret out, more suffering will ensue. And what kind of suffering I don't know. There could be all kinds of consequences; i don't know what i would unleash. And these consequences might come back to haunt me in ways I cannot imagine. These consequences might wind up causing me MORE pain.

I hope this makes sense. If you out your brother to his wife, your family, how much pain? His wife of 40 years, how will she feel? What are the consequences? Does it help your pain or could it cause you more pain?

Anyway, Work, I hope it's not too much information, but like you said, there are no good answers. I still don't know if I will, or won't, disclose the affair. New information may become available that helps me decide one way or the other. I don't know what the kindest thing to do is, what is and what is not my responsibility and so I wait, hoping for clarity.

I think we will both one day know what to do. For now, we have to be as comfortable as possible with uncertainty as we figure it out. It sucks.

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