Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

First Post - Keeping Hope Alive

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/4/2013 19:01 PM

This is my story - I'm hoping to both inspire and gain wisdom with this post. I had a 9 month affair with someone my BS knew. I started IC while in the affair and ended it 2 months prior to my D-Day. My AP told me her BS had found out, at that moment I knew my life had just changed forever. I met my BS and told her, and I haven't lived at my house since that day. Immediately I went NC with my AP and told my BS everything she wanted to know, no matter how detailed or uncomfortable. My BS reacted very differently than I had thought she would, but I now understand how deeply something like this rocks someone's soul. Initially, we went through the crazy sex phase that sometimes occurs. Once that ran its course and her emotions turned, things turned very dark. She started dating very quickly and made sure I knew it. I was told "you will never have me again" so many times. I don't know how I held on at times.

We had always had a very close bond, so much so that people were jealous of us. I am still searching with the help of my IC to find the real why, but I have experienced great personal growth from the focus I have placed on myself, my children and my BS. (When she is willing to receive it)

I decided early on that I could not let the behaviors that got me here lead the way anymore. I was not going to give up, no matter how bad it got , how sad I was or how hopeless it seemed. I knew however I was feeling she was feeling 1000x over. I believed our love and bond was true and if anything we would come out of this stronger than we ever would have been otherwise.

The first 3 months were a very dark HELL, one day she liked me the next day she didn't. All the while I knew she was dating someone, and it killed me. But... it taught me what really matters. The sex isn't really the problem for us (She feels the same way) It was the betrayal of the trust and devotion and safety and everything else.

We have been in MC for about 1.5 months and she has been in IC for about 2. Over the last month we have become much closer, she has been sharing with me and she even used the R word in MC yesterday. I stopped chasing her romantically and guess what? I got my best friend back. I started to REALLY listen to her, removing my pride, ego, personal pain, etc.

I have true hope now (As does she) that I have not lost my best friend and the love of my life. We still have a long road ahead, but I think we are both in this now together.

If I can offer anything here, it is to trust yourself. I had plenty of people tell me "it's been long enough" or "she needs to make a decision" plus a thousand other things. Listen to the people that have lived through it, but know that no one is the same. My BS needed to do what she did and take the time she did to arrive at the point we are today. She has grown from this too and now we can grow together.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that if I had given up I would not be where I am today.

I appreciate any feedback or advice anyone cares to offer.

Never give up

BaxtersBFF posted 12/4/2013 21:59 PM

Welcome to SI.

So do you believe that your wife had an affair after she found out about yours? It sounds like she had one. And if she did have one, then she is going to have to work through that herself. Just like you chose to cheat, she chose her own reaction.

The crazy sex is referred to as hysterical bonding, or HB for short. It is a cool but funky period many couples go through. Something that should just be enjoyed.

Was your AP a close friend of your wife's? Is your wife on SI?

nevergiveup10 posted 12/5/2013 08:17 AM

Thanks, this has been a good resource for understanding what I really have done.

When I told my BS she made it clear we were separated and no longer together. She was brutally honest with me about what she had going on, so in her mind she was doing nothing wrong. She had begun telling me that she felt guilty, even though she "knew" what she was doing wasn't wrong. She recently ended the relationship with the OP. She is working through it now.

I had read about HB in the healing library, but could not recall what it was called. I shared this with my BS early on and it helped her make sense of that time. It really doesn't make any sense otherwise. We did enjoy it, however short lived it was.

This is where it gets sticky, initially the AP was an acquaintance of mine from about 10 years ago. She contacted me to do some work and things went from there. She was never more of an acquaintance to my BS, until the A started. My AP started working her way into our group through mutual friends and began pursuing a friendship with my BS. I am so very ashamed I did not have the backbone to tell her to back off. This was one of the things that hurt her the most, that I didn't protect her from this woman. I have come to understand why I did nothing and have grown as a result, but it is very deep wound for my BS.

My BS isn't on here yet, but I have shared the site with her. She is actively fighting her instinct to run and hide, but it's slow. I know this site will bring alot of emotion out of her. She will do it when she's ready.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.