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He betrayed me and lied.

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NaiveAgain posted 12/4/2013 20:00 PM

I caught him on a social media site that he didn't tell me about. His only friends were his old gf and his best buddy (who covered for him with an elaborate lie). I confronted him and he lied and lied and lied. He said it wasn't him (it was a dummy account with a fake name) but I knew it was him because it was a name he used in high school.

He denied it until I hacked it and told him I had the proof. Then he finally came clean. He has been remorseful ever since. I'm back on the infidelity roller coaster. I ate 3 bites of banana all day (I think I just posted about gaining 20 pounds so that problem might be solved.) I have cried off and on all day including at school.

He said he is willing to do anything I ask, be totally transparent and wants to fix this. I am not making any decisions right now because I know the drill and I am too exhausted to think clearly anyway.

Right now I just feel everyone is so flawed and I can't trust anyone. I broke up with him and I miss him but I am talking to him because I need answers and he is at least working hard to give me the real ones. He also wants me to go to counseling with him this week. I don't know.

gardenparty posted 12/4/2013 20:12 PM

Ah crap, so, so sorry for you. I have no idea what path would be the right one for you to take just wanted to send you a hug.

Crescita posted 12/4/2013 20:23 PM

(((NA)))

tuesdayschild posted 12/4/2013 20:29 PM

I am so sorry. I was naive again too.

Big hugs.

nowiknow23 posted 12/4/2013 20:46 PM

Oh, honey - WTF????

(((((((NaiveAgain)))))) I hardly know what to say.

ladies_first posted 12/4/2013 20:48 PM

Last week:

my SO lied to me a couple days ago. About something really stupid, he lied about the price he paid for his iphone.

The bigger issue here was the lying, which he knows I can't deal with, and which he thinks may be a sabotage thing because he said he is pretty much waiting for the other shoe to drop and me to tell him to just go home and not come back. It's funny because I am waiting for that shoe to drop too.

Well the the shoe has dropped. He lies about money. He lies about people.

You know who he is: LIAR.

cayc posted 12/4/2013 20:48 PM

What? This makes no sense.

(((naiveagain)))

PurpleRose posted 12/4/2013 20:48 PM

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe this. Take care of yourself. You will be ok.

movingforward13 posted 12/4/2013 20:52 PM

Is this guy much younger than you?

If so, I believe I told you in another post that he has a lot of issues that would lead to infidelity if they weren't handled. Because you have done this once before, I hope you will listen when I tell you that you need to leave him. His issues aren't the easy fixing kind... (He is the one with the grandmother butting in, right?)

I don't mean to be harsh, but I remember us telling you these red flags in another post and they are were basically ignored. I was hoping that you would keep an alert out for this, because his boundary issues and not growing up do lead to infidelity. I am so sorry this happened, I just been in this same spot and saw the red flags distinctly. Please detach from him. Figure out what is going on with you why you are unable to see the red flags clearly.

FaithFool posted 12/4/2013 21:19 PM

he is at least working hard to give me the real ones.

NA, I'm so sorry you have to go through this again, but how do you know his answers are going to be the truth?

Liars lie. End of story.

Time to start putting all your energies into rebuilding your belief in yourself, standing alone without all this bullshit swirling around you. Life is way too short.

Big hugs. You know you need to move on. Don't let him suck you in.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

fraeuken posted 12/4/2013 21:55 PM

So very sorry. Hugs to you.

phmh posted 12/4/2013 22:35 PM

(((NA)))

I'm so sorry. Please go back and reread everything you've written about this guy and think about what you'd tell a friend. I've noticed red flags since almost the beginning that were always explained away. Please, you deserve so much better. Especially in the beginning stages, a relationship shouldn't be so much work. He is broken and you can't fix him.

More hugs -- wish I could give them to you in person. Please focus on yourself. Cut contact if at all possible. He shows a consistent patterns of lying, poor boundaries, juvenile behavior. You deserve so much better.

(((NA)))

wildbananas posted 12/4/2013 23:08 PM

(((NA)))

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/4/2013 23:28 PM

(((NA)))

jo2love posted 12/4/2013 23:43 PM

(((naiveagain)))

Harriet posted 12/5/2013 00:56 AM

Oh I am so sorry.

InnerLight posted 12/5/2013 00:57 AM

(((NA)))
Well this just sux but at least it's more clear that his problems are great. No matter how nice he treats you in other ways and tries, lying will just not work. He sounds like a scared little boy not wanting to get caught. I'm so sorry I know you had some good times. I hope you can let this one go and not waste your precious energy on the bullshit of his crazy.

NaiveAgain posted 12/5/2013 03:40 AM

Thanks for the support and opinions.

Please detach from him
I am, sort of naturally. I was in total shock the first 36 hours, but now the anger is hitting. I was SOOOOO good to this man. I loved him completely and totally. I treated him with respect and compassion.

He was good to my face but basically f*cked me behind me back over and over.

Here is what I found out (and I suspect there is more but he isn't to the point where he is confessing anything yet so obviously he isn't trying that hard here):
He lied to me after the first 3 weeks of our dating. He had fb then and she accepted an old friend request, and he talked to her a bit. I found out and he deleted the account. He told me though, when I found out about her on there, that he didn't even know she was on there and they never spoke. He didn't admit to this, I found out about the lie because he contradicted himself 10 months later (I don't forget this kind of shit).

He lied about the ipod. He lied about the slushie.

He HID the fact that he was driving another bitch back and forth to work (I made that a non-negotiable because I knew he was a bit weak on boundaries but he was working on them, so I hung in there but told him that there were certain things I needed from him. I thought he was respecting me on them. Nope.) She no longer works there but who cares? He lied to me.

This last one. He wouldn't have told me if I hadn't found out. Nothing physical happened (because he was only on there 2 days before I found out and because she is in a relationship with someone else and wasn't interested, although I suspect her to be sociopathic so it wouldn't be above her to cheat). But she has 650 friends and is apparently busy juggling a few other guys right now. She uses him for emotional food/ego stroking. Although nothing happened, it doesn't matter because it is all about intent.

He says he needed to find out if she had his child. She told him (lied apparently) that she had his child in 2007 and he has wondered ever since. Since he found her he was checking to find out, but once he found out, he didn't delete her account. So honestly, I think he was fishing to see if something was still there.

I know I can't trust him at this point. Right now I am leaning towards telling him I never want to see him again. I go back and forth. I will make a final decision once the shock wears off, and I comprehend everything better.

He does seem serious about wanting to fix his problems. I did refer him to this site. I will see how serious he is about that also before I make my final decision. I always tell the BS there is no hurry to make a decision, they will do it in their own time when things are clear for them. I am taking my own advice on this and giving it some time.
I do realize I am doing better on my choices although it may not seem so. At least this one treated me well to my face and was somewhat honest and truthful about some things. So at least at this point I know I deserve someone that treats me well. Now I just need to find someone that CONSISTENTLY treats me well, to my face AND behind my back.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 3:43 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

hummingbird8 posted 12/5/2013 04:14 AM

NA

I don't know how to do quote, but he DID NOT treat you somewhat well. Nor was he somewhat honest and truthful.

He has lied to you about multiple things, hid things from you etc. He is not interested in changing and fixing his problems. He didn't come to you and confess. He lied and lied even when confronted.

This is who he is. And I bet there is more you don't know. I'm sorry you are hurt. Respect yourself because he sure as heck isn't respecting you.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 4:14 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

movingforward13 posted 12/5/2013 05:37 AM

Now I just need to find someone that CONSISTENTLY treats me well, to my face AND behind my back

Gently, may you just need some time to yourself. Time out from looking, time out from men, time out from putting yourself out there. You don't NEED any one but you. You make yourself happy.

And gently, when we go through relationships, we become broken people. You need time to fix yourself before moving on to a new relationship. If you don't, this will continually keep happening because you will continue choosing broken people who hurt you. Stop choosing people who hurt you because you haven't taken the time out for yourself to determine why you let them treat you this way.
Fix yourself. You are broken.

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