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I hit him and I am not sorry

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FightingBack posted 12/4/2013 20:10 PM

Two nights ago after almost two weeks of starting to feel good, I asked my H to tell me some instance between him and OW that would dispel any illusions I may have that their relationship was xpclose to perfect

Of course it was hidden and deceitful and false, but he has never told me anything that would have made him want to stop the affair.

he thought about it for a few minutes and then told me this horrible story. I really don't know how their relationship was not completely destroyed by this.......

he said that once, there was an issue at work. (An error on her part perhaps) and they were discussing it on the phone. She was trying to explain her POV and he became annoyed.

Then.......get this......he was very SHORT with her, and actually HUNG up on her!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine??

You can imagine the relief I felt after that relevation!

I thanked him for his honesty, but was clearly upset. He asked if we could postpone the conversation until the next day.

Maybe I was tired, maybe I was upset, maybe I was fucking fed up of him " postponing the conversation", maybe I just was feeling bitchy, but I said "I'll bet you never told HER to Fuck Off.

(He said that to me shortly before dday-this was the first time EVER anyone has ever said that to me, and it still stings)

He replied "I'm sure I did". When I asked if this was something he regularly said to people, he replied "no". When I asked why he had said it to her, he couldn't remember. I asked what her reaction was, he couldn't remember.

I asked him if he really had said that to her and he said "yes I did". But it was the look on his face that did me in. He scowled. His face changed. He looked like Gollum . And I knew he was lying to my face.

And then I hit him. We have not spoken about it since. It happened three nights ago, and he is acting like nothing happened.

I don't feel bad. I don't feel anything.

Kelany posted 12/4/2013 20:19 PM

I'm sorry he was lying to you, I know that's painful.

However, hitting him is over the line. If a male BS had this same scenario, he would be vilified. Physical violence should never be resorted to.

FightingBack posted 12/4/2013 20:46 PM

I know this Samantha. I would never have reacted this way before. when I say I feel nothing, I mean I feel nothing for him. But I feel like I don't like me very much at all.

Now I am really alone.

prowoman posted 12/4/2013 20:48 PM

I also hit my WH in the aftermath of D-day. I still feel horrible about it. It regret it, and he has never expressed anything to me about it. But I still wish I hadn't done it. There's a lot of things I regret about that time, because it just wasn't worth it. I think I saw the tagline from someone's signature on here "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape one hundred days of sorrow." Every time now he does something that makes me want to wring his neck, I think about that. One night can make a world of difference. He is never worth making me less than the woman I should and can be.

eta: I read 15 yr LTA and I hurt for you. I don't even feel justified in calling my WHs A and LTA after that. I know I can't compare my situation to yours. Just sending hugs and strength to you

[This message edited by prowoman at 8:50 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Jrazz posted 12/4/2013 20:50 PM

Hitting's never ok. Imagine if the title read: "I hit her and I'm not sorry." Panic. Anarchy.

It shouldn't matter what the gender or transgressions of the players are.

This is coming from someone who slapped the hell out of her WH. I felt proper shame, but only much later.

I know you're in a world of hurt right now, and believe me when I tell you that I sympathize completely. I just want to help you separate out the hitting part, and get to a place where you realize that part of your journey should include learning how it happened and how to avoid ever doing it again.

(((FightingBack)))

Tearsoflove posted 12/4/2013 21:08 PM

After the first Dday, I flew to the country where my husband was stationed at the time. I don't drink but some serious drinking was done the first few nights I was there by both of us. During our first discussion and subsequent argument about the affair, my husband kept telling me to hit him. His exact words were: "Hit me. You'll feel better. Come on. Hit me." He repeated that over and over until I punched him in the face. I didn't feel better. I hit him again. I think I hit him four times total. It never did make me feel better.

Afterward, he screamed at me that he couldn't believe I hit him. I screamed back that if he had run over me with his truck it would hurt less than what he'd done to me.

The next morning, sober but hung over, I realized that I didn't recognize myself anymore and I wasn't going to let the pain change me like that. I also realized that I definitely should not be drinking to dull the pain. But I think the biggest realization was that I was capable of atrocities, too. I'll never hit him (or anyone else) again. It was a lesson for both of us. I'm not proud of it but I surely do understand the perspective.

myperfectlife posted 12/4/2013 22:05 PM

I totally get not feeling sorry.
I also get when people say "if it was a man who hit a woman then you would realize how wrong it is".
I get all of that, but I still believe deep down that physical reactions are normal.
Not culturally or morally acceptable, but a normal visceral reaction to the stress and pain we are going through.
Of course the high road is to not do it. :)

I never did hit my XWS. I did however have very vivid dreams/nightmares where I was pummeling the shit out of him...one that was so violent that it actually woke me up in terror.
Also, during one conversation he got up in my face and I flinched so hard he freaked out. I started sobbing and said "I thought you were going to hit me."
He pulled me into his lap and rocked me for a long time, saying how he would never, ever do that.
Oh, but he said he would never, ever do so many things-and he has done almost all of them.

The extreme stress of what we are going through seems to bring out parts of us we never thought we had. The basic animalistic survival mode we never thought we would need in this world.
Yes, it is still there.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/4/2013 23:26 PM

I hit x-Npd too. Never ht anyone before or since. It showed me how injured I was to resort to hitting.

heartache101 posted 12/5/2013 00:01 AM

Oh my.. Well maybe he wont lie to your face again?

I sat on my spouse and choked him. Not one of my finest moments either. I truly had so much rage I dont know how I stopped. Sickens me to this day. I am not a violent person the thought of hurting someone over infidelity sickens me.

I am thankful I did not hurt him. I was 9 months pregnant too.

If you get that angry again walk away.


Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 00:15 AM

I'd like to gauge his eyeballs out. I don't think I'd feel bad about it, either.
*shrug*

BAB61 posted 12/5/2013 01:06 AM

During my huge blow-up with my WH I told him "Women have killed for less than this! If I could have figured out a way to not get caught I might have done the same that first 24 hrs!!" My 2 dd's were watching (since I was in full-blown fight mode I didn't even notice!) and said his face looked like I had slapped him. Sometimes words do hurt! I meant what I said, and it is true.

I agree that physical violence is not the best way to resolve things, but you were pushed to the limit, be kind to you, forgive yourself and move on.

sinsof thefather posted 12/5/2013 04:15 AM

Now I am really alone.

FightingBack you are not alone. Your family loves you, and there are a lot of people here who care about you (I'm one of them - and if you ever want to PM me please feel free to do so)


You know it was wrong to hit him. Violence is never right and I know that you do know that. I believe that is why you are here telling us about it. You can see just how bad things have got by you doing something you thought you never would.


This needs to be spoken about between you FightingBack. It can't be rugswept. And neither, after disrespecing you for 15 years, can his continued lying to your face be ignored. That needs to be spoken about between you too. He can't just expect that to be rugswept either, because that is what has got you to this point in the first place.


In the end you've got to think about what all this rugsweeping is going to be doing to you longterm. (((FightingBack)))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 4:19 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

steadfast1973 posted 12/5/2013 04:27 AM

I told WH i wanted to punch his face in. He told me that I should, then.

nomistakeaboutit posted 12/5/2013 04:43 AM

Let me guess. It's not the first time you've hit him? And,,he's hit you before. Is that right?

It's the "...and I'm not sorry" part that's the most bothersome part.

Hitting is an impulse that you must resist, or you have failed.

Good luck controlling your future impulses.

steadfast1973 posted 12/5/2013 04:55 AM

It's not the first time I've thought about hitting him... I haven't yet. (Unlike him, my impulse control is impeccable. ) i have, however broken a lot of plates.

I get the "i'm not sorry" part. In a past relationship, my xbf kept accusing me of cheating (all the while he spent all of his free time with porn -seems to be a trait I attract ). He was verbally abusive and always called me "whore" and "slut". Note, that I never cheated on him. I did consider it, given that he accused me of it so much, but in the end, I stayed true. One day he called my child a "mistake", and I decked him. I wasn't sorry. I kicked him out the next day. The fact that i wasn't sorry, was bad. The fact that I felt so empowered after putting up with his verbal abuse for almost a year, was scary. I didn't want to hit him again... But I also wanted to fight back. So I did. By making him leave.

Bobbi_sue posted 12/5/2013 05:50 AM

It's the "...and I'm not sorry" part that's the most bothersome part.

This. And I'm waiting for some men to come on here and speak out. Most men who hit women are either sorry, or ashamed or know better than to even admit it on an anonymous discussion board because men are so condemned for this type of act whether they were cheated on or anything else their female partner might have done. Apparently, many still think it is just a little bit "more okay" for a woman to be violent with a man than the other way around. I don't think it is any more acceptable or understandable for a woman to do this to a man than the other way around.

Merlin posted 12/5/2013 07:50 AM

Initiating violence is categorically wrong and indefensible.

Kierst13 posted 12/5/2013 10:08 AM

And I knew he was lying to my face.

And then I hit him. We have not spoken about it since. It happened three nights ago, and he is acting like nothing happened.

I don't feel bad. I don't feel anything.

Is it the lying that makes the hitting acceptable or is it the infidelity?

Oh wait, if we as BS find justifications for our bad behavior because we are hurt, I will bring the argument that that is wayward thinking. Waywards justify their affairs due to many things. We know their is no justification for their affairs, just as there is no justification for hitting a WS, man or woman.

FightingBack posted 12/5/2013 11:11 AM

Thank you all for your replies. I welcome all the varying responses, because they are all caring and supportive.

We spoke about it briefly last night. WH brought it up by saying that his ear still hurt. I apologized for hitting him. I also said that I was sorry that I was reduced to that, and that I don't like the person I have become.

As for the lie, he still insists that he did not lie. But then again, he has also told me that he never acknowledged that he was lying to me during the affair. He claims that he has a foggy memory of swearing at OW, but cannot recall details, context or reaction.


Is it the lying that makes the hitting acceptable or is it the infidelity?

It was the lie. If it was the infidelity, I would have hit him long ago. I am not justifying it, just analyzing my reaction.

Let me guess. It's not the first time you've hit him? And,,he's hit you before. Is that right?

Wrong. I have never hit him before, nor has he ever hit me or anyone else in his life.


Apparently, many still think it is just a little bit "more okay" for a woman to be violent with a man than the other way around. I don't think it is any more acceptable or understandable for a woman to do this to a man than the other way around.

I for one, do not think it is "more okay" for a woman to be violent with a man or anyone else for that matter.

My H was sexually abused at 12 years of age, although he never looked at it as abuse. He was collecting for his paper route when he was invited in by a woman in her 20's, who brought him to her bedroom, and had sex with him. He felt guilty and ashamed afterward, but went back for more the next week. He never told his parents.

When he told me of this experience, I felt so sad for this child. I also felt enraged. I know that if I found out that someone had done this to MY child, there would be a VERY violent reaction from me. Maybe it would be wrong. No more or less wrong if I was a father than a mother.

In any case, I would hurt that abuser if I had the opportunity. And I would NOT feel badly about it. I am not a violent person normally. This kind of evil brings it out in me. Sometimes, there is a place for it.

I apologized, I regret my actions. Remorse and shame. No.


FightingBack you are not alone. Your family loves you, and there are a lot of people here who care about you (I'm one of them - and if you ever want to PM me please feel free to do so)

Thank you sins.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 11:13 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

dontknowwhyme posted 12/5/2013 11:46 AM

Physical violence is never okay, Male or Female. But that is not to say that I understand how someone dealing with this situation could snap. As a man, If I was the WS I would not be surprised if I was smacked for telling lies. I would almost expect it.

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