SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

erzulie posted 12/4/2013 20:13 PM

A girlfriend of mine ... I had met her through volunteerism, and we bonded over the years. Traveled together. Shared many common values and goals in life. I introduced her to my WH about a year ago ... but all things considered, she is much more my friend than his.

Then, the sky falls ... and we separate. I try very hard to be diplomatic with mutual friends; no mud slinging, that sort of thing, despite my pits of anger and desires to do exactly that.

She takes a stance of 'there's always two sides' ... which is fine to a degree, and I get it. That said, what he did to me, on some planets, would be considered a crime. It's not as though we just went our separate ways ... he destroyed our marriage by intent.

I got really angry when I found out that both times I was travelling with her, to share a volunteer mission together, he had an affair. BOTH TIMES, over a year apart. In a weak moment ... I told her about it, in an email (how we often communicate). Told her how I was hurting. Told her how infuriating it was for me.

That was four days ago. She hasn't responded. She has, however, taken several turns on an online game, playing against my WH. Don't ask how I know that ...

Does this mean she has no interest in my friendship? Did I blow it, put her into an awkward position? I just don't get it. I try to imagine roles reversed - a girlfriend of mine tells me her husband had multiple affairs and lied to her for years. I don't think I'd be too inclined to diplomacy, much less spending my time playing online games with him!

Am I nuts? Why does this bother me so effing much?!?!?

This is a friend I have a vested relationship with ... I want to do future missions with her ... I even want to work with her someday (she works for the organization I dream of joining) ... I don't want to lose her friendship for a bazillion reasons, many of them purely selfish.

What do I do?!?

nomistakeaboutit posted 12/4/2013 20:16 PM

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

Gemini71 posted 12/4/2013 20:20 PM

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. Friends can really betray us. You may need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she's another OW.

hurtbs posted 12/4/2013 20:23 PM

Honey I'm sorry. Did you "blow it"? No, she sounds like she's an unremorseful cheater and thus feels more comfortable around cheaters. This is the time to take assessment and plan your life accordingly. You can cull that friend list and it seems like she isn't going to make the short list.

erzulie posted 12/4/2013 21:20 PM

Well, I never would have thought or meant to classify her as any sort of a cheater herself. No idea all the ins and outs of her whole human history, but ... I did (and do) consider her a close friend of mine. I'm just befuddled about her response to this situation; had I been able to predict, I am certain I would never have shared the level of detail that I did with her. That said - what really baffles me now is not just how she is behaving, but ... why it bothers me so damn much.

She would be one of my best chances to make the career leap I have in mind. If I lose her friendship, its a setback for me in that regard, too.

Why does my WH insist on hanging onto people he knows I am close to? That part of it bugs the crap out of me, too. He had sex with other women every time I took a trip with this friend! It's not like he values his friendship with her on any level or something ...

Chrysalis123 posted 12/4/2013 23:43 PM

I had a friend do the same to me. Kind of like a friend staying friend with the person that murdered your family member.

It upset me because it was a betrayal, and I knew X-Npd would use her to triangulate against me.

I stopped being friends with her, because she wasn't a friend.

Your X is doing that because he wants control, he lacks empathy, and he wants to hurt you.

Nature_Girl posted 12/5/2013 01:18 AM

I wonder if you're so upset because you realize that you did not have the same view of your relationship as she did. She's picked a side, your WH's side, over you. She has a different view of infidelity than you. She's shown you aspects of her character which are not so nice. So you're conflicted, very conflicted. She's delivered a mini-betrayal to you, and how you handle it could affect your future. I wonder if you somehow know on a gut level that you'll need to compromise your beliefs in order to continue to have a relationship with her.

But that's just me.

momentintime posted 12/5/2013 01:36 AM

Send her an email saying...

I was hoping for some emotional support during this difficult time. If my email was TMI, I am sorry. I won't burden you again with my issues.

SBB posted 12/5/2013 01:52 AM

Not taking sides is taking sides.

I have a few acquaintances like this - one is the friend we met through. I have pretty much cut her out of my life. No animosity on my part - she made a choice and I've made mine.

You haven't done anything wrong. They are not your secrets to keep. No - we don't need to bang on about how awful these WS are to mutual friends but telling the truth isn't crossing a boundary. It is providing context. What they do with that context is up to them.

My own girlfriends range from 'let's kill him' all the way to 'he is dead to me'.

If at any stage they decided to have any sort of friendship with him they would lose my friendship.

I would be hurt but I would see it as a measure of their character - not a measure of my value to them or in general.

Let me put it this way - if someone wilfully and deliberately harmed me or damaged my property I would end friendships with anyone associated with them if they supported them.

Infidelity is wilful harm. She is no friend to you.

Now, if you need to maintain a relationship with her for your professional aspirations you can but only if you change the parameters to that of a professional acquaintance ie: no personal talk beyond what you would discuss in a professional environment.

If be upset too. Upset that I was wrong about her being a good and decent person who valued not just my friendship but also shared my values.

Thefly559 posted 12/5/2013 04:48 AM

Everyone here is right . With friends like that you do not need enemies. You most definitely do not need her!! It's hard I know , I did it and continue to. I lost all "friends". As so many said not choosing loyalties is the same as choosing! If you are not with me then you are against me. Bad enough you lose the person you loved and all you worked so hard for. Now to lose friends of ours , personal ones , ones we knew maybe even before marraige. This is tough. But I did it , I cut off all who are not on my side , all who think it is ok what my stbxww has done to me and our family. This was liberating!!! Friends come and go and you will make new ones when you least expect it. It is easier to detach also from your ex. I am sorry and I do know what you are going through. My advice is to distance yourself from that "friend" and see the result. Where her loyalties lay after you cut her off in a nice way. All the best.

nomistakeaboutit posted 12/5/2013 04:52 AM

It sounds like you want her friendship primarily as a pathway for career advancement.

To thin own self be true.

JerseyCowgirl posted 12/5/2013 05:50 AM

Ditto to all previous responses..
She has shown her true colors and maybe that is a good thing because in a professional relationship with her she may behave the same.

ninebark posted 12/5/2013 06:29 AM

I have friends who will not take sides but that is because I have chosen not to tell them why my marriage broke up. But they continue to treat both of us as friends.

Those who know why we broke up chose to no longer maintain a close friendship with Ex any more. They are pleasant to him but that is as far as it goes.

It seems to be like the others have said, she is not a friend. You should not have to work to maintain a friendship like that. If she is uncomfortable with you sharing details of your divorce than she should come out and tell you so you know where you stand. You don't need friends like this.

alphakitte posted 12/5/2013 10:15 AM

It's probably not a good idea to share this level of personal information with someone you are considering to use for career purposes. I doubt she'll be very supportive of that, either.

Best you found that out now and can make alternative relationships that will help you in that regard.

I recommend not bringing the topic up again.

sparkysable posted 12/5/2013 10:19 AM

If my GOOD FRIEND'S HUSBAND cheated on her, you can be DAMN SURE he would be DEAD TO ME. Dead.

NotGonnaTakeIt posted 12/5/2013 13:11 PM

I feel your pain. My step-mother and a good friend of mine insist on communicating publicly via facebook with my someday-will-be-ex ("We miss you," and idle chit-chit). They both know he cheated on me for years, refuses to accept any responsibility and is a luke-warm father at best, but they keep doing it. In my mind, they have made a choice...and it isn't me. I haven't cut them entirely out of my life, but I no longer consider them an ally or a priority to me.

I am very sorry you are dealing with this as it stings, but it is probably better that you find this out now. I wouldn't say another word and wait and see how long it takes for her to get back with you.

(((erzulie)))

Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 13:22 PM

That's horrible.
I'm sorry you're going thru this :(