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My husband and I use the same IC. I've been using him for 14 years and my husband started after I discovered his EA. Today we were supposed to have a joint session and my counselor was going to help me by calling my husband out on his bs answers to my questions. My husband couldn't make the appt so I went alone. The counselor told me that my husband admitted to him that he liked spending time with the OW, that they had an emotional connection (but he still denies he was sexually attracted to her) that he specifically asked her not to tell me anything and that I had no idea he was out at all, let alone with her etc.My counselor finally got him to understand that if you share a secret with another female, or are out with a female in secret, anywhere and at anytime it's a huge betrayal. And that it doesn't matter if there is sexual attraction or not. That you don't hide your friends so the connection had to be a little deeper than my husband admits to and my husband agreed.
I have spent months trying to get him to admit this stuff. Our joint session has been rescheduled for next week. I wanted to run in and confront him with everything he told the counselor but then I started to wonder if I should just stick with the plan and wait until our appt next week. My counselor said I should stop asking until then if I can help it because it just makes me angry to hear him deny it again. The plan is for me to ask my husband in front of the counselor and if he lies again, my counselor will call him out on it. Should I just keep my mouth shut and wait until the appt? It's hard because I've been waiting for tbe truth for so long.

I would personally do what the counselor advises, and wait it out. I know it is tough. Ugh! Sorry.

Wow there's some weird confidentiality agreements in there somewhere!

Oddly, if you value this counsellor I would wait until the appt. It sounds like he is colluding with you.

If you confront him, he won't go back to counseling. He won't trust your IC/MC ever again. Let this unfold the way you initially planned it. I know, it is so hard to hold it in. But by preempting your counseling session all the work so far will be for nothing. Think long term here, what do you really need..him to admit what he has done. So far this has only happened with his counselor. He has to feel safe to confide. You will get you chance to ask, and the MC to back you up next time. Please wait, the outcome will be so much better for you and your R.

Good point, moment in time. Maybe he needs the support of the counselor to tell me. Either way, I can't lose by waiting. I don't want to scare him away because it's taken me 10 years to get him in there.

Thanks, everyone!