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How do you stop loving them

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renee21 posted 12/4/2013 21:10 PM

I'm too tired to write out my long drawn out history with infidelity.....latest is over inappropriate relationship at least ...within reformed wayward and recovering SA boundaries......the battle began in June things haven't gotten better he has been in and out of house repeatedly.....

I think we are done at this point but I just hurt so much because I still love him. He's not going to change he is completely lost and out of recovery mode

How do you get over them, stop loving them...I wish I was to the I don't give a damn point but I'm not. This is so hard and the kids are hurting right along with me. My two teenagers want nothing to do with him they are so angry and he only interacts with my 9 year old son because he still thinks daddy is superman. My daughter and I both cry on a regular, she just uninvited him to her sweet 16 she is so angry....this just kills and more so to see the kids pain.

How the hell do they live with themselves ..


gonnabe2016 posted 12/4/2013 22:24 PM

You don't have to stop loving him. You can love him until the cows come home....and that doesn't mean that he is a *healthy* person to have in your life.

What you need to realize is that he is a toxic individual who is poisoning you AND his own kids. Look at the agony and pain in your kid's faces. He is hurting your kids.....and your *love* for him is keeping him in their face.

Go Mama Bear. Protect yourself and your kids from him and his *I'm blowing off my recovery* bullshit.

Merlin posted 12/4/2013 22:28 PM

When you realize that they are not the person you fell in love with. That person is in your mind.

They were either never that person to begin with and hid it for a long time or, over time, changed into someone else.

It really doesn't matter which.

That person is gone.

You can grieve the loss but never make someone love you back.

Merlin posted 12/4/2013 22:28 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Merlin at 10:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

sunsetslost posted 12/4/2013 22:42 PM

Shortly after my d day my uncle said something that stuck. He said that love doesn't go away. But it can change. I'll never love my STBX in the romantic lifetime way but she'll always be part of my life, my past. And in time I'll look back on the good times we had and appreciate the good memories she is a part of. The trick is not to romanticize those moments and accept that person is a part of your past, and not the same person you married at all.

Worked for me

SBB posted 12/4/2013 23:12 PM

When you realize that they are not the person you fell in love with. That person is in your mind.
They were either never that person to begin with and hid it for a long time or, over time, changed into someone else.

It really doesn't matter which.

That person is gone.

You can grieve the loss but never make someone love you back.

^^THIS - and loving myself more.

crazynot posted 12/5/2013 00:25 AM

After some time, with therapy and help, you realise there's nothing to love.

IrishLass518 posted 12/5/2013 00:28 AM

You may not. I still very much love the man I shared most of my life with, he is no longer that man. He has shown me his new self over and over and I don't like him. I don't wish him any harm, he does enough to himself, that doesn't mean I can have him in my life. He has shown me that I can't trust him, believe him and that he has no concern for me or our children's feelings. It is okay to still care and validate that you did/do love this man, just acknowledge that he isn't safe for you also.

lifestoshort posted 12/5/2013 08:15 AM

it took me yrs to stop. I ended up dating a really affectionate man who did things my ex didnt and thats when I stopped. when I saw that men can be kinder and more of what I needed or wanted. then he didnt seem to worth it anymore. and hes so not worth it.

it gets way better. mostly when you dont fill your head with the good. moments of good is never enough to live.

Gemini71 posted 12/5/2013 08:28 AM

Time and distance. And I agree that the love never goes away, it just changes.

I've found that the biggest factor in changing my feelings for my STBXH is my STBXH! Once you get some clarity and start seeing on the crap they pulled and STILL pull, it really changes your attitude.

Pass posted 12/5/2013 10:05 AM

I think the answer has to be "lots of practice". i.e. It just takes time.

I hate that answer, but it seems to be true - and I'm not there yet. However, I find that every time I see The Princess, I feel a little less tenderness for her. Eventually, I expect I'll feel nothing; you should be able to expect the same, eventually.

dmari posted 12/5/2013 10:17 AM

Sending you hugs (((((renee21 and kiddos)))))

Start focusing on you ... loving you. Putting all that energy on you. Your perspective will slowly evolve. You need to heal and rebuild your life and your children will follow YOUR lead.

I am one year out since stbx walked out and the one thing that I know worked for my kids and I is that I had to process (grieve, heal, rebuild) this huge shit sandwich in order to set an example for my teens. My teens also have nothing to do with stbx ~ like yours, they are in their own stages of grief and it's ok.

The pain is unbelievable but it does get better and you will find strength and optimism within you that you didn't expect.

What helped me personally was I grieved the husband I had ~ that husband died. The person that he is now ... is truly a stranger to me. Always have H.O.P.E. (Hang On Pain Ends).

gypsybird87 posted 12/5/2013 18:21 PM

He said that love doesn't go away. But it can change

I agree with this, and to me this is proof that my XWH never truly loved me. As I've learned more about his NPD and more about him specifically, I now believe he isn't capable of real love for anyone. Not me, certainly not OW, not even himself.

When I realized all this, my love for him died. It didn't change, because what I felt for him WAS real. It died, because HE wasn't real. The man I loved and married was only a mirage.

It helps to view this like two separate men. The man you loved and the relationship you had with him are gone. You have to grieve it like a death.

The man that remains is not worthy of your time, your tears, or your love.

It hurts and it takes time, but you'll get there.

((renee21))

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 6:29 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

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