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Did any of u decide to divorce even when WS wanted to reconcile?

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sad34 posted 12/4/2013 22:19 PM

My WS wants to reconcile but he's not putting in the full effort.
He complains when I ask to many questions, he gets upset and angry when I talk about certain things.
He gives me conditions like when we talk u shouldn't swear, or get upset etc.
It's sad to realize your marriage is over and it's hard with young kids. It's hard to realize they just don't get the hurt they have caused. That U reallize the person u committed your life to never really loved u:(

gonnabe2016 posted 12/4/2013 22:26 PM

Sure. Stbx would have been happy as a pig in a pig-sty if I had been willing to let him cake-eat for the rest of his life........

phmh posted 12/4/2013 22:40 PM

I did.

XWH claimed he'd made a mistake and wanted to R.

But by that time I'd had enough IC and introspection that I realized I deserved way better -- even before the cheating.

It wasn't always easy, but it was definitely the choice that will give me the greatest chance for happiness in my life.

Absolutely no regrets.

Nature_Girl posted 12/4/2013 22:41 PM

Sure. Stbx would have been happy as a pig in a pig-sty if I had been willing to let him cake-eat for the rest of his life........

Ditto. EX would have continued on abusing me & the children under the guise of R. He had all new psychological vocabulary words to gussy up his arguments that always resulted in verbally beating me down and keeping me in my place. He would rather have stayed here and kept his money & bitched about me & the kids ruining his life, cheating us all out of happiness & peace.

MollyJo posted 12/4/2013 23:10 PM

Yep. He was in full-blown R, and I still couldn't take it.

He was the love of my life, fairy-tale level connection, 25+ year history. Or so he said. I couldn't take that despite all of his excuses and "regrets", HE chose to cheat. HE chose "him" over "us". Although I 100% believed--and still believe--that he was committed to R and would never have cheated again, I just couldn't reconcile "It's always been you, I was an idiot" with his behavior.

Bottom line is, he wasn't anything that i believed he was. WE weren't anything I believed we were. there was no unbreakable connection. Staying with him would have betrayed everything I believed about true love, and about my own value.

IrishLass518 posted 12/4/2013 23:27 PM

Yes, he kept saying that he was going to make it right he just kept saying it, he never did anything to make it right. I filled, he said that he was still going to make it right. The divorce was finalized. He's still talking and not doing. I moved out. He's still talking and moving in with OW. Yup, he was all about making it right.

careerlady posted 12/5/2013 01:11 AM

Yeah I was offered the same half-ass R you are getting and realized it was only a matter of time before he cheated yet again

It is super painful, it's another form of abuse how they put the onus on us to end the marriage and wonder if they ever would have been true, if your family could be saved.

I barely believe in R these days, especially with repeat offenders, but if he is being at all angry or defensive and anything but completely contrite and open - RUN!!! He'll do it again!

SBB posted 12/5/2013 05:27 AM

Sure. Stbx would have been happy as a pig in a pig-sty if I had been willing to let him cake-eat for the rest of his life........

The sad clown said he wanted to reconcile - what he meant was he wanted to rugsweep and just continue as we were. It suited him having a wife/family and having his whores on the side. It didn't suit me. It almost killed me.

I posted our Final S email exchange a while back - look how pretty his words are? They almost covered his ugly actions. Almost. We both gaslighted the fuck out of me so much that I was sick with worry that I was making a huge mistake. He cured me of that delusion once he realised the jig was up, I was no longer capable of lying to myself.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500928&HL=35229

You'll see behind the mask once you close the bakery. Brace yourself.

movingforward13 posted 12/5/2013 05:29 AM

Nope, mine didn't want to do the hard work to fix us. He wanted me to rug sweep. Him not trying was the best gift he ever gave me. Freedom!

tryingagain74 posted 12/5/2013 06:30 AM

Yes. My XWH wanted to stay together, but honestly, I think it was only if I took all the blame and rugswept his behavior. He would not have tolerated having difficult discussions and accepting blame. Clearly, I was a frigid wife, and that's why he was forced to "have his needs met" (his words, not mine) with a stranger he met on a cheating site. I would have had to accept that and move on with life, pretending as though what he did had never happened (oh, and I'd also have to have lots of sex with him to make up for what a bad wife I had been).

Even if my XWH had been deeply remorseful, it was a dealbreaker for me. When I looked at him, I was repulsed. The feelings I had for him died when I found out. Our marriage was far from perfect, but the one thing I thought I could count on was being able to trust him. Once that was gone, that was it for me. That he could behave like I simply didn't exist-- using our money to buy meals and hotel stays for the OW, having sex without protection because of course the OW was "clean"-- well, he was showing me who he was, and thankfully, I found SI early on and told my close friends and family what had happened, so I had the support I needed to move forward with a D.

I would love to tell the OWife some day how he offered to beg me on "his hands and knees" to stay and that he was prepared to throw her under the bus but didn't because I threw him under it first, but I prefer treating her as though she's invisible, so I guess she'll never learn how much she truly meant to him and how she became his backup plan. As folks like to say on here, I'm glad that my XWH is the Owife's problem now!

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 6:31 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

LadyQ posted 12/5/2013 06:31 AM

Gently, what you are describing is not reconciliation. It's sweeping it all under the rug and having his cake and eating it, too. You absolutely cannot have true reconciliation under those circumstances.

Hugs..

PhoenixRising88 posted 12/5/2013 07:58 AM

Yep. He was in full-blown R, and I still couldn't take it.
He was the love of my life, fairy-tale level connection, 25+ year history. Or so he said. I couldn't take that despite all of his excuses and "regrets", HE chose to cheat. HE chose "him" over "us". Although I 100% believed--and still believe--that he was committed to R and would never have cheated again, I just couldn't reconcile "It's always been you, I was an idiot" with his behavior.

Right there with you MollyJo. I had what at least appeared to be a truly remorseful WH. But the damage caused was just too great for me to stay. Can't stay where I cannot trust, and WH is a particularly skilled liar.

Gemini71 posted 12/5/2013 08:25 AM

Yep. My STBXH wanted to R. He may have even been truly remorseful. But once I found out he'd slept with my best friend of 30+ years, I was done. There are some lines you just shouldn't cross, and some hurts just can't be undone.

FaithFool posted 12/5/2013 08:33 AM

Bottom line is, he wasn't anything that i believed he was.

This^^^

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but those 20 years of his double life just did me in.

Much happier now.

peacelovetea posted 12/5/2013 09:41 AM

Yup. We tried R for almost 3 years but I just couldn't live with his inability to step up. I got so tired of promises made and broken... that was what happened before the ONS and it continued after and I just was over it. I hated hated hated doing that to my kids but better than I thought for them and great for me. No regrets.

sparkysable posted 12/5/2013 10:38 AM

It's called rugsweeping, and a clear sign that he will most likely do it again. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Vulcanized posted 12/5/2013 10:58 AM

Nope, mine didn't want to do the hard work to fix us. He wanted me to rug sweep. Him not trying was the best gift he ever gave me. Freedom!

^^^ This.

XH said (and I quote) "We'll get D'd, I'll do this (have A w/OW) then we'll get back together & get re-M'd".

XH gave me the greatest gift by denying any chance of R. As much as it hurts, I am thankful that he didn't drag me thru FR.

sad34 posted 12/5/2013 11:52 AM

Thank u all so much for replying. As always SI helps me when I need it!!!

myperfectlife posted 12/5/2013 18:58 PM

Just wanted to say thanks for this thread.
I know some weren't given the choice of R.
I was, but it really wasn't a choice of "R" but a choice of the continued promise of R, with the constant panic that action would not follow.

It was very hard to walk away knowing his words to me and the kids will always be "I know we could have made it work if you hadn't divorced me."

Is reconciliation always a gift? I know he was remorseful, but that doesn't mean he had the tools to fix the damage.

And I didn't want to spend the rest of my life waiting to find out.

eyesrnowopen posted 12/5/2013 20:17 PM

I am back on here tonight for the first time since Sept. In MC with an unremourseful and tonight I have decided I'm done. He wants to have more freedom because he hates asking my permission to go out. MC told him that considering my feelings was not asking permission. He stated he will let me know and consider my feelings but will not ask my permission.

The funny thing is I know I'm done. I am calm and don't have any doubts that this man will never get what he has done. I'm giving him his freedom. The sad part is he wants his freedom but also wants the marriage. Now he gets to tell our kids and everyone how he wanted R and I didn't. How unfair. At least if you didn't have a choice for R with your WS you can't get any blame. He loves to blame me especially to the kids.

WTF

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