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WS is failing me

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ohiocarrie535 posted 12/4/2013 22:23 PM

I am 10 months into reconciliation. I am exhausted. WH still is not giving me the effort I need. I don't think he is capable of it. I am not angry at this, just sad. The few times I ask him questions about the A or his second lie about looking at porn all I get is lots is silence and a comment about feeling " whipped " Like I am punishing him. I tell him calmly that I feel I should be able to ask questions. All I get is more silence. I really don't think he will ever be able to talk to me about this. I am slowly realizing I have to decide if I can live with this. I think he loves me, but not enough to change. His IC fired him for skipping appointments. Of course he has excuses for that. He always has excuses and no apologizes.

BaxtersBFF posted 12/4/2013 22:30 PM

Protect and take care of yourself first.

tryingtwo posted 12/4/2013 22:59 PM

Then what your are doing is not working. So what do you have to lose?

Play hardball.

Instead of keep going to him, back away. Keep backing away. Not from a stance of trickery, but from the knowledge that you are leaving him if he doesn't get his head out of his ass.

Because you deserve to have a person in your life that thinks you are the end all and be all. You deserve to have a person in your life that gets excited when a new thing happens to you or you have explored something new in your life.

You deserve to have someone that makes you better every day you see their face. Not someone that makes you feel less. If he isn't up to that, then by God, there is someone else that will be.

Step up to the plate, or I will take the ball in my own hand. In my father's words, "Shit, or get off the pot." They step up, or you move on.

blakesteele posted 12/4/2013 23:23 PM

Strength be with you ohiocarrie535.

It IS exhausting. I am 16 months out and feel my M is improving....but I remember the exhaustion at 10-12 months out. I am still tired...my wife is tired too. Sadness and depression are real threats.....

My personal take is this.....

Pre-A M....both spouses have issues. Neither are fully aware or willing to work on them...so we don't.

We let it ride.

Well....a WS takes a hard detour that leads them completely out of their M. Meanwhile a BS is still hanging around the M....not really working on it, but not killing it either. I think a BS has something a WS doesn't....maybe it is thick headedness, maybe its more fortitude, maybe they don't avoid conflict as much, maybe conflict doesn't scare them as much....I don't know for sure.

Regardless....a BS was not weak enough to choose adultery to deal with life.

This weakness hinders a WS from becoming a fWS.

Pre-A I submit a BS was carrying the marriage and didn't even realize it. Admittedly, the way in which they were carrying it could have been unhealthy...it was in my case. But they at least kept their energy and attention inside the M. I believe a WS stopped their part of carrying the M before they even met their AP.

My point is this...Even when a WS gives up their AP, it has been such a long time since they were a contributing party to the M they killed they don't know exactly how to do it. Combine this with their natural turn to escape rather than face....and it is impressive any BS on here has a WS that becomes a fWS in less than 1 year.

Going with this theory (which could be totally wrong by the way)....a BS has to learn to STOP trying to carry the M in the way they were pre-A. And that is a challenge for a BS for much the same reason a fWS struggles...it is brand new to us, it is new, scary, uncomfortable.....it is CHANGE for all involved.

It is tiring.

You are only 10 months in.

I don't think he is capable of it.

Big flag for me in that assumed statement. I didn't think my wife was capable of adultery....she was. I didn't think she was capable of engaging me honestly....she is. I didn't think she would find remorse...she has.

I know what I am suggesting is hard to hear....especially when you are already exhausted...but try and float. Don't give in to fear...live in the present.

Is your husband still using porn? If yes, this must stop.

I was a porn user pre-A....it is nothing but destructive. I see that now.

Do you have the energy and desire to make a firm rule in your M that no sexual gratification outside of you guys as a couple? It has been hugely beneficial to my wife and I. It is tough and painful at times....but is helping us grow.

Does your husband have the How to help your spouse heal from your affair book?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

ohiocarrie535 posted 12/5/2013 06:55 AM

Blake- he says he has stopped using porn. I check his phone routinely and haven't seen any sites. He doesn't know how to erase his browsing history so I know it's true. He cried himself to sleep last night after another unproductive " talk " and I just couldn't bring myself to comfort him. I feel so emotionally drained that I'm numb.

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