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How far to go when checking NC

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nowbroken posted 12/5/2013 02:11 AM

WS had an EA that supposedly never went PA, but lasted a long time and the betrayal and lies are killing me. WS supposedly stopped all contact the day I found out.

WS remorseful, sad, working hard to make it better. Doing everything right. Things seem to be good. We are closer than ever. We do everything together now. I'm trying to trust. I'm trying hard to believe, but we had two false R before. this is the first time WS agreed to the NC and agreed to it instead of me demanding it. I think WS gets it now. Maybe its just because of the texts I saw of him asking to meet for sex or her admission that she loved him and had told him. But she agreed to NC, claims the requests were never acted upon...and she's convincing.

I just keep having moments where I doubt everything. I'm monitoring emails, phone records, searching ipad and iphone, and still always wondering if they are still in contact.

I'm thinking of adding a keylogger to her computer now.

Somehow this seems like such an escalation, and moving in the wrong direction. Someone tell me it's too far. The other part of me wants to find way to monitor the phone too.

It would be totally easy to have switched to the work phone or a different messaging system or email account.

I know I'm on the edge here but every discovery was made due to my digging so it's hard not to. I know, however, that unless she's stupid or careless she can still do so secretly. I know it's a pointless effort and keeps me focused on the past and the lack of trust.

When do you just accept the choice isn't in your hands? How far should I take the searching? knowing she can always make the wrong choice in a way can't find, all paths seem pointless.

I love her and we want R. It's just driving me nuts.

Lowlow posted 12/5/2013 04:10 AM

You mention every discovery has been made by you and there's been two false Rs. If it were me, I would continue looking and wouldn't stop till the nagging suspicions I have are gone

When does the searching stop? For me, that happened when my WS really started showing remorse. Not blanket apologies, but telling me what a shit he was....

I haven't completely stopped looking though. Maybe once per month or so, but I still look.

I want to start trusting and stop searching, but I'm not there now. Neither are you.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/5/2013 06:21 AM

I had broken NC with my fWH as well- I didn't know until months later by checking phone records- and I was devestated. Took three months of what I thought was great R and threw it away.
We are back on track now- but he woul not have told me had I not confronted him with the evidence- so I understand your issues with trust.
Some advice I was given was to keep checking until you feel safe. The more times you check and find nothing- the more trust builds up in your bank- therefore, making you less likely to be obsessive about checking.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. EAs are very difficult- it is so tricky to navigate because you neverdid really know where your WS emotions are. I understand.
I say- keep checking if that's what you need to do. I checked ALL the time- doing that an finding nothing, coupled with the hard work he was doing for R, eventually lessened my need to check. There is a point to just trust and give them a chance- I haven't read your story, but based on this post, I'm not sure if you and your W are there yet.
Read ALOT here because many have been where you are.
I wish you nothing but peace right now.

AFrayedKnot posted 12/5/2013 06:30 AM

Try not to think of it as snooping or trying to bust her. Try to think of it as building trust. Every time you check something (phone bill, comp history, keyloggers) and find nothing your trust will grow.

In the beginning I was checking everyday. Then only when something seemed off. Now I rarely check anything.

Sammy2013 posted 12/5/2013 07:40 AM

I still check daily. This week was hard, he was traveling for a few days for work. But I check all email, facebook, twitter, linked in, etc.

I will continue to check until I don't feel the need. I will say, that after 6 weeks now of not finding anything I don't make it a priority when I get up. I used to do it first thing. Now, I get some stuff done and usually do it with my first cup of coffee after the kids are off to school. The trust bank is filling up.

If you feel the need to check, keep checking.

I don't know your story, but are you sure it was just an EA? My WH told me it was just EA, but people don't usually proclaim love for each other, have a problem with NC, etc. for just EA. I learned that the hard way. My WH and his AP lived on opposite sides of the country. They still managed to meet up for sex 2 times in 6 weeks. That nagging feeling might be your spidey sense going off that there is more to the story. I know WS can be convincing. Mine was. And we so badly want to believe it didn't get physical we tend to follow along. But deep down I always knew, and kept snooping. Which was how I found out it had actually gotten physical.

No12turn2 posted 12/5/2013 08:24 AM

I stopped when the discoveries were too much to handle because my WW is not remorseful. No R planned for our future. We are on the D train

EaglesWings posted 12/5/2013 08:29 AM

Checking was how I gained confirmation of EA that fWH was actively trying to move to PA. Then for another month into NC, evidence of on going contact. It confirmed that gut feeling we have to recognize. At the time, fWH thought I was techno-dummy so didn't hide things as well as he could have. Blessing in disguise!!!

However he now knows I am much more savvy. Unfortunately he has access to 8 different computers between home and work. No way to check everything. 18 months out and I have had to learn to let go---checking only made me FEEL like I was in control. If I have to control him to keep our M, then I don't want him here.

Letting go, trusting, putting my heart back out there--not easy, but essential. And I have learned, if he chooses to go outside, he's gone and I WILL be OK. If he chooses to stay, even better. But I WILL be ok either way--so will you!

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