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A week that feels like a year

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Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 03:22 AM

Hi, I'm new to forums (and betrayal) so please be patient with me. I found this site a couple of days ago and it is helping me get through the worst week in my life.
I found an unfamiliar mobile phone laying on my kitchen bench last Friday morning and thought it was probably an old one of the kids my husband had come across in storage. Until I notice it was flashing with a new message.
To cut a long story short it was a second phone my husband had to keep in touch with a woman. When he came home an hour later I confronted him and I still can't believe what he told me. The OW is someone he used to work with, I have met her several times and spoken on the phone hundreds of times - albeit not for more than ten years. When I asked how long it had been going on I almost collapsed when he told me 8 or 9 years.
He started by saying it was harmless, "just flirty texts" but I had read about ten and they had both said "love you" and referred to being aroused. I had hidden the phone and refused to tell him where it was as I wanted to be able to read the rest of them.
Devastated isn't a strong enough word. Through reading the posts on here I know you understand the terror and turmoil that follows. I never suspected a thing and still struggle to think he could be so devious - we've always been so open with each other and there hadn't been any obvious changes that I was aware of. There was much crying from both of us and he begged me to forgive him saying it meant nothing. I fired questions at him and he answered but most of the time he paraphrased my question first - obviously to give himself time to think.
I had made a note of the OW mobile number and called it several times from the hidden phone - she never answered but there was two missed calls from her from earlier in the day when I'd hidden it. She is married with children of 8 and 14 - her husband has some health problems I think it may be epilepsy. I then rang her from my own mobile and left a message saying I knew what had been going on and wanted to speak to her - she should ring me on my number or I was going to her house. After a couple of hours without a response I texted her saying if she hadn't called by seven I was coming to her house. She rang at ten to seven saying "hi Em, I don't know what you think has been going on but it was nothing, just a few silly flirty texts - we've been daft but done nothing wrong. My husband is here with me and I've explained and apologised to him". I repeated one of the sexual texts to her and gave her a mouthful, saying her husband and kids should know what a slag she is. She was calm and quite dismissive but said if I go near her house she will get the police. At that moment I would have willingly swung for her. Her husband came on the phone and said "my wife has told me what has happened and I believe her. Do you trust your husband because I trust my wife". I told him I had the phone and there was more than 40 texts on it and quoted a few to him - that seemed to throw him a bit as he said he would need to see the proof - I told him to let me know where and when and hung up.
The following morning I went through the phone in more detail and found lots more. The affair was sexual and some of the texts pornographic. Part two of the confrontation and I got more details from him but how do you separate the truth from the lies? He says he loves me more than life - he's never gone a day without telling me he loves me in all our years together - and it wasn't about us, he couldn't be happier with me and doesn't know why he did it? He's begged me to let him stay and says he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I feel so lost and alone, he's been my best friend most of my life and everything we've shared is tainted.
It has been the longest week of my life and I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. I'm sorry to go on so long but I haven't shared this with anyone else.
We have been together since I was 15 - married almost 45 years and have two adult children.
Thanks for listening.

nekorb posted 12/5/2013 07:22 AM

I'm so sorry you're here Lola.

Separating the lies from the truth can get tiring. At this point, honestly, I assume everything is a lie…but my Wh also doesn't want to R, so he has no reason to try and correct things between us.

I can tell you that at some point in the future you are going to get weary of reading those texts. For me, it helped me reconcile the man I thought I was married to with the man that he is - in this momnt - I'm hoping the man I married resurfaces at some point, but I have no control over that.

hang in there. it gets better…sort of…good days and bad…make sure your mascara is washable so it will come out of the carpet after you've been layng there sobbing...

Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 07:28 AM

Thank you nekorb, one minute I feel like destroying it but I don't want to regret doing that. I know it's early days even though it doesn't feel like. Point taken on the mascara....

WantingToForget posted 12/5/2013 08:05 AM

HI Lola, I know what you are going through. 2 1/2 months ago I found text messages between my husband and his co-worker from 2010-2011. They were sexual and said they loved each other but he says that it's been over since I got pregnant. I posted my story "newly broken and wanting to forget" if you would like to read it. I have never been so heart broken in my life. Sometimes I feel like I want to die, but i have a 2 year old that I need to live for. I also still love my husband and want to move on, but there's times I look at him and feel like I don't even know him. He's not the man I always knew and that's what kills me the most.. that I will never have the same man I had before findnig out. Because it's been over I sometimes wish I never found out. The whole time it was going on (about a year) I never had an idea, he was texting her while I sat next to him but yet still showed me love like everything was perfect. The betrayal and feeling like a complete fool overwhlems me sometimes, but I try to push it out of my mind. The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is that he doing everything in his power to be a better husband... It's like we've started dating all over again. I hope reading my story can help at all, because knowing someone else is out there just like me makes me feel less alone. I only hope someday I will feel like myself again. Thanks for sharing your story. And thanks for lsitening to mine.

Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 09:30 AM

(((Wanting to forget))

Thanks so much for your support, it means a lot at such a dark time. I will try to find your initial post to read your story (I'm new to forums so struggling to find my way around).

Life can be very unfair and so hard at times, I'm glad your husband is doing his best to make it work and hope you find your happiness. Good luck to you.

NowWhat106 posted 12/5/2013 23:34 PM

Many hugs of support to you, Lola! Your story is so very similar to mine. My husbands EA was mostly through email, so I too have an extensive history of their A. I had no idea through seven years that he was telling someone else that he loved her, talking sex, badmouthing me to her. It's like that whole period of my life was a complete lie. Actually, it's like our entire life together was a lie.

I've been through 2 years now of trying to deal with that information. My WH, like yours, was/is very remorseful, but our relationship will never be the same. My advice would be not to erase anything right now, even if you don't read it. I needed to have every bit of information that I could get in order to try to piece together the truth of what my life had really been for those lost years, and honestly, while he admits any information I have and remembers anything that I bring up, he has never volunteered one piece of information that I didn't find first or remember first.

Give yourself time and a lot of flexibility in figuring out what you want and need from life and from him. Don't rule out any options and don't destroy anything you may desperately wish you had later. This is a very long road, I'm so sorry to say.

Please know that you're not alone. I hear my story in your words and my heart aches for what I know you're going through in finding out that the person you trusted everything to for years and years is not who you thought he was. I know what it's like to think back over every memory of so many years and wonder how, in all those seconds and minutes and months and years, it never once occurred to him that he was doing something horrific to his family and that he should stop. I know what it's like to realize that if he hadn't been caught, he probably never would have stopped.

You have found a good place to be, though it's horrible that any of us have to be here. Hang on and take care of yourself as much as you can. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about this truly crappy situation that we share.

Lola88 posted 12/6/2013 00:00 AM

I can see the similarities in our stories NowWhat106 as I've just read up on yours. Many thanks for the support and the offer of PM's which I will take you up on, but I'm still finding out how to do things on here - haven't figured that one out yet.
I don't seem able to think straight, retain information or concentrate on anything except the betrayal atm - Christmas is usually a very special celebration in my family and I can't bear the thought of it. How can I face people............I'm usually very open, not a good actor at all so I'm scared I may go into meltdown and ruin everything. I am getting so much from this site, the support is tremendous and your offer is much appreciated Hugs

NowWhat106 posted 12/6/2013 00:32 AM

I found out in October and had to go through the entire holiday season a complete mess. Every ornament that my kids put on the tree with the years on them that I could connect to years that he was sneaking off in the middle of the day to send her a Merry Christmas and tell her that he wished he was with her (which he now says was just BS to keep the fantasy going).

You will need to give yourself a lot of slack here. The holidays will be tough. If you're with family, stick with them and ignore him when possible since he will remind you of what was taken from you by the two of them and what he's done. There will be time later to work on the two of you if you want to do that, but for these first few months, you need to just be concerned with you and what you need minute to minute. Also, cancel or decline any events that are optional or that will make things more difficult. Let him make excuses and explanations. Do only what will make you feel better, loved and supported.

Everything else can be and is optional. If you're like most of us, putting yourself first may not come easily after many years of practice doing the opposite, so make this your mantra: I come first.

A long-term A (LTA) is a special and specific kind of hell (they all are, really, but this particular hell is ours). Reach out here when you need it, and PM anytime.

You can do this. It'll hurt so much that you'll think you can't a lot, but you can. We're here for you. ((((Lola))))

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