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Snapcap posted 12/5/2013 05:55 AM

Oh how I hate some (most) mornings. I wake up a few minutes before my alarm, and a flood of images hits me. But both I and my WW have to get up and get ready for work. She is focused on getting ready, but I can barely stand to be in the room. We have no time to talk, and I rarely have any well-formed thoughts anyway. She seems unconcerned about my distress. My stomach balls into a knot, where it just gets worse through the day. I'm considering buying stock in Tums. I can barely get work done if at all on these days.

Then, if nothing triggers me, I start relaxing after work when we're home and doing normal parenting/home stuff. We usually have good nights, but then I have to go to sleep and start the horrible cycle all over.

Today is one of those mornings.

Me: BH,40
Her: WW, 41, ~5yr EA turned PA
Kids: 3
DDay: Nov 12, 2013
Trying to R...for now

NoAnswers37 posted 12/5/2013 06:17 AM


JerseyCowgirl posted 12/5/2013 06:20 AM

It is very normal to get into these cycles as we are creatures of habit. I am divorced and much further down the road but mornings still get me also..I wake and all this stuff comes flooding back and gets overwhelming. It helps me to change my routine and force myself to do something physical right away to "blow off steam". Exercise or clean or get up earlier and go to work earlier to get your mind on something else. It does lessen with time.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 07:47 AM

I dread falling asleep at night because I know what will happen in the morning, and it's too much to handle.

7yrsflushed posted 12/5/2013 08:06 AM

This is normal. For me when I look back on when that happened to me I realized I calmed down during the work day because I didn't have to think about it. Sort of like rugsweeping but more likely stress and I was bascially walking around hoping it was all some crazy nightmare. By the time I got home things could flow normally but when I woke up in the morning it was like oh shit it's not a dream and like you the images started. It's like we want things to go back to the way they were before Dday but when you wake up in the morning for a second or so your dazed then it hits that this shit is real and not going away. It's like being in a fucked up version of "Groundhog Day"

There were a couple of other shifts in this pattern I noticed. Further down the line I actually hated Fridays because it meant I had to be at home with STBXWW and couldn't avoid thinking about it. Later during false R I hated Mondays because it meant I was away from her during the day and worried she was in contact with AP. Then near the end the only calm I had was when I was NOT around STBXWW because she became my biggest trigger.

Just know this all does get better with time. is yoru WW doing anything to resolve her issues or try to fix what she broke. Is she giving you transparency, going to IC, telling you the truth, answering all questions, not rugsweeping or avoiding discussions, etc? I ask because you can't R by yourself and if she isn't doing what she needs to do to resolve her issues then you should look at doing the 180.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:08 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Snapcap posted 12/5/2013 08:57 AM

Thanks, all. I do have to change my routine, but I'm already waking at ~4:30 and going straight to exercise or work. It's the 5 minutes I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep when I wake before my alarm that it hits. Maybe I just have to jump up right away when I wake even if it's 3 am. I'll try it.

7rs...your first paragraph is me EXACTLY. Work only helps when I can do something with people; my normal job is all writing and ... thinking, thus normal work doesn't help. But when I get home, help make dinner, help with kids homework, etc., even just talk to WW about our day, it helps me calm down. I think it's the sense that something, anything, is normal. But the morning is when I realize nothing is normal.

I'm trying to be patient with R. WW is giving me 90-95% of what I need, and many of my wants. She's in IC, has committed to NC (and has maintained it afaik), has answered all questions, and is mostly transparent. I say mostly because she still bristles at the idea I read her email, etc., but she hasn't tried to hide it either. She doesn't want to feel like I'm reading her everyday, normal stuff, but understands why I don't trust her otherwise. We're only 3 wks from Dday, so I'm being patient with that since she is allowing access, even if she doesn't like it. We plan on MC after the holidays, but wanted to both get some IC in first to help sort our own thoughts out. Plus, holiday stress with 3 kids is enough by itself.

I wish she showed more outward emotion, especially grief or shame or a more complete apology. I feel she is still conflicted in her mind about what she wants and isn't ready to truly accept what she did. But sometimes she says/does something that gives me real hope and that gives me the patience to let her keep working on her own thoughts while I work on mine.

Gotmegood posted 12/5/2013 09:26 AM

Yes, mornings. I just posted these same thoughts in response to someone else, but I'll say it again: if someone came by and tapped me on the shoulder and said " relax, that didn't really happen to you", I think I'd believe them.....4 months after DDay. That speaks to the depth of the trauma IMO.
My deceitful husband also seems at times to be *unconcerned* as to my distress. A personality trait wherein he can box things up and not deal with unpleasantness? A lack of empathy....after all, how could an empathetic person inflict this depth of pain on someone that was important to them? I struggle with this daily.

momentintime posted 12/5/2013 11:43 AM

When you wake up and laying there, get an image in your mind like a movie it can be taking a boat ride, sailing on the water, waterskiing, skiing down a mountain. Something repeatable and run it through you mind everyday. Soon it will become rote and it will ease your transition into you day. No need to get up at 3am, just flow with what ever image is pleasant and reusable.

stillprettyupset posted 12/5/2013 13:20 PM

Snap, it sounds like everything is "normal"...or at least, the new normal. I don't know how supportive I would be as the betrayer; I just wish my WW showed more remorse as well.

I want to see her fall down, sobbing because she realized what she did to me. I want her to apologize everyday without prompting. I want her to spend the effort on our marriage that she spent keeping her affair going strong. But she doesn't.

So, you and I will keep going to work, and writing, and breathing. Good luck buddy. My heart is with you.

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