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Newest Member: manwhocantbemove (45699)

User Topic: She won't stop!!!
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aargh! Dear Lord OW! It's been four months! Just go away please!!

If you have read my posts lately, you know that I can no longer shop at my grocery store (OW stalking and attempted conversations twice in two weeks- she doesn't live in my town), and we have had non stop text and calls about every week or so surrounding those sightings.

We blocked her number and have made alternate plans for shopping. WH and I have talked through each event and are in a realky good place about it- as good as we can be.

Last night- we were just hanging out and sharing about our days and his phone goes off with a text. I check voicemails and texts for him at this point so I read it.
From a number neither of us recognize.

"Hey you :)"

He freezes. We both freeze. We both try to play it off at first. " maybe it's your cousin Deanna- didn't they just get new phones?" "Yah, that's it. It's Deanna"

He asks what he should do. I tell him to say "don't mean to be rude , but who is this?"

He texts that back ad we wait. While waiting I start to trigger and go into panic. He just holds me, rubs my back, says "ts going to be okay" and calms me down. He handled it perfectly and I love him for that.

The response text comes through "how can you say that after the other night?"

And I start laughing. Really hard. How juvenile. Thi woman is a professional with hopes of running for office in her town an eventually our state- fundraisers and galas and tuxes and professional schmoozing... And she is prancing my husband as if we were in high school.
My WH has not left my side in almost three months unless it was for one of us to go to work. We text CONSTANTLY and speak on the phone often.
There has not been one single night since Dday that he has been out of my sight- so the text is obviously her using someone else's phone to try to stir up shit.

Seriously? We immediately blocked the number and erased the texts.

I was so happy with how we handled it- we ended up having a wonderful evening.

I am just so ... Shocked? In awe? Weirded out?
I have no idea- but when we talked about NC and talked again after I found out there was contact a few weeks after Dday - I told him she would try. He didn't believe me.
I also told him that the more we ignored her, the harder she would try.
It's crazy but I was right. The attempts are getting closer together and a little more "mean."
Especially after he completely blew her off at the grocery the other day. Initially I was uoset that he stopped and let her say she was sorry and wished him well and wouldn't call again- I flipped out.
But after some people here showed me that his response of "okay" and walking away may have actually better than just ignoring her (she got to say what she wanted and he did not reassure her or make her feel "not crazy"- he just said okay and walked away).
Anyway- I think she is royally pissed now.
I'm a little worried. Not sure how to protect us at this point other than blocked calls- we really don't have any "proof" other than phone records-and she hasn't threatened. She just won't stop!
Okay- done venting. H and I are good and I feel we are handling this as a team. That's what matters at this point.

I've said it before and ill say it again- THIS IS SO MUCH NOT FUN!!!!!

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 6:42 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
missyb32641
♀ 35656
Member # 35656
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's time to change phone numbers and email addresses. If he has facebook block her or shut it down, you too. She is ramping up and is getting very close to stalking.
You might want to search his car for a GPS device, they can be very small and hidden just about anywhere. Look inside and out, in the trunk, under the seat, wheel wells (some are magnetic), look for anything that does not belong on or in the car.
If he has an Iphone turn off find my phone or change the itunes account. Android phones can be tracked secretly, the user won't even know the program is there.

I hope that none of these things have been done but it is better to be safe.


ME: BS 42
Him FWH 44
Married 20 years together 22 at the time.
Working thru R.

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Florida
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also start collecting evidence for a restraining order. Honestly, I don't care if this person is on my side or the other, but I don't want people like this running for public office. Perhaps the RO could be leaked to the press.... in any case, protect yourself. So sorry you're going through this. The up side is that it really underlines to your WH what a bad idea an A is! (My WH also got scared by the bunny boiler potential.)


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The good news is.. any residue fog your husband may have still had is probably wearing mighty thin or else totally gone - but she's really only showing herself to be who she always was - difference was he couldn't see it before. Now he does.

I think this is a direct reaction to that grocery store meeting blow off. She's obviously been fuming about it and she's now been kind enough to actually prove to you how much she did not get what she wanted from it. She's very angry with him and trying to hurt him and you both with that message. Shame for her it was so juvenile that you could both just laugh at it.

TAW, I'd probably just ignore it again this time. She didn't get what she wanted out of it and that number is now blocked too. If she escalates and tries again - maybe rethink it - but for now, just ignore her. She wants drama. Don't give it to her.

eta: Oh I'd forgotten about her actually running for office - Blobette has a good point.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 7:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1892 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I realize I was the only person on your last thread(the grocery story contact) that did not see what your WH did as a positive. So I realize my perspective may not be very popular,again. But that's ok.

Honey. Why won't OW go away? Because your WH sent a NC message of some sort after dday..and he broke NC. So he has shown her in the past that NC doesn't mean crap to him. Why *wouldn't* she try to break it again?

This man allowed you to believe, for months after dday, that he has stayed NC. Every single day that he allowed you to believe that,while you were trying to build up trust, he was lying. He failed to tell you the truth. He allowed you to feel safe..and he was lying.

Maybe he only said "okay" at the store. You only have his word to go on. Is he telling the truth..now? Maybe. Is he handling this new attempt at contact right? Yes. So maybe he has learned something. Maybe he "gets it" now.


But, my opinion is, he does NOT get it. Why? Because he allowed her to speak to him at the store. With all due respect to every single person who posted on your last thread, who said how he handled it might have been better than the plan the two of you had come up with..the bottom line is that the two of you had discussed it many times, how he should handle it if she approaches him. You two had an agreement. He assured you he would.not.talk.to her. He promised YOU. And *that,* my friend, is what he should have done. He should not have stopped and allowed her to speak to him. Had she followed him, and he didn't respond,and she said what she said to him, that would have been fine. But he broke that agreement. He talked to her. He stopped. Is he great that he came home and told you? Of course it is. But, it shows *me*(and again, this is JUST my perspective) that he doesn't "get it." Because if he did, he would have never acknowledged her in the slightest. Because the two of you had an agreement.

Im sorry. I know you want to be positive. Im really not trying to throw a bucket of ice water on you. I just want you to be careful. Trust but verify.

I hope I don't sound harsh. The grocery store thread has been on my mind since you posted it. And now this. Im worried about you.


((((((The AmazingWondertwin)))))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:31 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7897 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you sent an "official" NC letter? If not, I would start there. Have it delivered restricted and certified so you have evidence she received the letter.

The OW in our situation stalked and fished for 8 years. Six years of stalking my FWH before I knew of the affair and at least two years after I knew.

You can make a report to the police about someone who is stalking both you and WH and harassing you by phone. I would strongly recommend you do that. The police most likely can't or won't do anything, but you can make a report. They may call her or visit her and ask her to stay away, but most likely not. The important thing is to have a paper trail. If you have any evidence, bring it to the police.

We sent a NC letter that was not the "party line" letter that is recommended here. You know, short and business like. No, ours had to be a little bit more so OW would really understand how FWH felt about OW. OW was very delusional and felt that FWH must be carrying a torch for OW and also OW has to "win".

When the NC was broken a few weeks after d-day, was it OW reaching out or your WH? If it was your WH of course OW wouldn't take NC seriously.

This is the letter FWH sent:

Ms. XXXXX XXXX

I love my wife. Milkshake is the most amazing, wonderful, caring, loving and forgiving woman I know.

I have re-dedicated myself to Milkshake and our marriage. I am so grateful Milkshake is giving me the chance to prove to and show her how much I love her. I will be doing that until the day I die.

I am horrified, disgusted and ashamed by what I did. Even more so that I did it with you.

I regret the day I met you and every minute I spent with you or even talked to you.

I hate you and will never fogive you for the part you played in causing my wife pain. She was innocent and didn't deserve the pain our selfish behaviour caused her.

Milkshake is my past, present and future. You are the past and simply irrelevant.

Do not contact Milkshake or me again in anyway shape or form. We have made a report to the police and our lawyer is prepared to take legal action if needed.

Again, I hate you and never want to see or hear from you again!

MisterSister

OW sent us the letter back "unopened" with this message scrawled across the front. Not Intrested in Reding A.H However, OW did read it and tried to glue the envelope back together. OW got the glue all stuck on the inside and the letter was now glued to the inside of the envelope. Anyways, we haven't heard from OW again, finally. (Unless the hang up calls from "unknown" or "private" numbers are from OW.)

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:24 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9951 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hopingforhappy
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking as someone who had to deal with a crazy, vindictive OW--keep ignoring. She may continue to try to ratchet things up. Every time OW hinted that she might do something, my FWH would say "Oh, she would never do THAT!" But guess what, she did. Be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. Keep records of everything that happens. Screenshots of texts, logs of phone calls, etc. I would not answer any phone call from a number you don't recognize. (Although with the advent of Spooftel and some other crazy apps, you can fake the phone number on caller ID.)

If she has serious political aspirations, you may want to consider a letter from a lawyer, telling her that you will press harassment charges if she does not stop. It may work in your case.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is maddening and really puts a strain on healing. You sound like you are presenting a united front and that is good. Handling adversity can sometimes draw you together--sounds like it is working for you and your WH!


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Aug 2010
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't post on your other thread, but I did read it.

I have to say that I agree with this point that Confused has made....

the bottom line is that the two of you had discussed it many times, how he should handle it if she approaches him. You two had an agreement.

Was there any discussion about why he chose to do other than what was agreed upon?

I know a few years back when I posted about something my FWH had done, ( he acted against an agreement we had made), it was pointed out to me that he unilaterally made a decision to do as he pleased...not what we had agreed upon. I didn't realize the gravity of that seemingly small act.

That was an eye opening moment for me. I am forever grateful to the members who took the time to be matter of fact with me.

My input had once again been cast aside. They pointed out that this in fact, was the very same type of thought process that led to the A and the subsequent lies to cover it up.

That type of "he knows best" unilateral decision making within a relationship is destructive. Not just to the relationship, but to you!

I realized that FWH had a pattern of doing this in general. It was something he learned in his FOO.

It boiled down to a lack of respect and disregard for me, and my needs within the relationship.
He would make agreements he never intended to keep, and do as he pleased. Or he would pretend to have kept the agreements and hide it....all of this to avoid any type of conflict or discussion the matter.

I think it would be wise to dig into this with him a bit more. At the very least it can help to improve your relationship overall.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right! The biggest betrayal to me, is NOT where he put his penis. It was the whole doing what he ever he wanted without any consideration to his family. None.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused- Thank you so much for your concern and I would be saying the same things- be vigilant, verify facts, etc etc.


Why won't OW go away? Because your WH sent a NC message of some sort after dday..and he broke NC. So he has shown her in the past that NC doesn't mean crap to him. Why *wouldn't* she try to break it again?

the NC that was broken was in august and the records clearly show that she texted him 7-8 times before he would call her and speak for about 10 minutes. this occurred about 4 or 5 times for the first three weeks after D day.There was a 40 minute conversation (the last one). He admits he was still somewhat foggy, and was just trying to minimize the damage. He has taken full responsibility and we have talked ad nauseum about what it did to me and how hard it will be to get trust back after that.
He and I have talked it through, looked at records, etc etc....I am completely satisfied with his resonses about broken contact and about keeping it from me. This is actually a taken care of issue for now...in my mind.

I did flip out- for just the reasons you stated in your response. I lost my mind. The worst I have been since this all started. I did not speak for 24 straight hours and was pretty close to catatonic.

The site helped calm me and present it in a different way. Without going into too many details, knowing my husband, his FOO and the way he deals with all the psycho women in his life (mom, aunt grandmother...he was the only male child in an itialian house full of women and thats a WHOLE other post)- anyway, the event at the grocery store was actually right in line with what he should have done. And if I had had time to think about it, I would have agreed to have him respond that way.

I see the broken trust, and I know that he has to build it back up...but in this area, I am more than satisfied that he has been honest and truthful and trying through this- we have turned a corner the past week or two and I am confident about his interactions at the grocery store and we have addressed that it doesn't matter what happened at the store, he DID NOT do what we agreed- these have all been addressed to my satisfaction. and yes, we definitely discussed how his calling her back was what prompted her to keep trying to contact. But his last contact with her was three months ago and it has been ignore ignore ignore ever since. Hence the ratcheting up of the attemps.


Have you sent an "official" NC letter? If not, I would start there. Have it delivered restricted and certified so you have evidence she received the letter.

We did a No Contact Text (as that was how they communicated). He and I will be workig on this- as a certified letter, this evening. Already on it. Thank you :)

Thank you so much for all of your concern. Know that I come here and I do listen. I have my eyes wide open at all times. This has definitely taught me to not take what he says at face value.

However, I see the difference in his attitude as he has come out of the fog...stage by stage. And he was floored last night. I don't think he expected it and I just told him- I knew it- and I told you it would happen.

If she escalates and tries again - maybe rethink it - but for now, just ignore her. She wants drama. Don't give it to her

this has been my mantra all along. He just didn't get it...I think he does now.
My field of work deals with behavior and I am well aware that when she is not getting attentin, her efforts will escalate before they decrease- if they do.

Thank you so much to everyone. I do take this one day at a time- and to those showing concern - know that I am reading what you have said, and if we haven't already discussed these things, we will be. I do not leave stones unturned in this process. I cannot afford to. So please do not feel as if I am not listening. I know that the painful discussions need to be had- and he has been very open to them.
I feel we are making steps forward. We are much better off than we were a week ago, 2 weeks ago, and definitely 2 or 3 months ago.

Thank you again friends!


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with not getting sucked into the drama this time. But that being said, if there is any further contact you should save the texts or voice mails. If it escalates I would then go to the police in her town and turn over everything you have. If she is planning to run for office there and possibly for state office, she's not going to want any of this made public so she will probably cease and desist as soon as the police in her town contact her. The fact that she's showing up at your grocery store in a town she doesn't live in is very creepy in my opinion.

Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
myeverafter
41012
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((The AmazingWondertwin)))))))

It sounds like you have a good plan to send a letter. All fWH did was pass at NC note to her. That he gave her before I got to read it...

As far as I know there has been NC between OW and fWH. But our problem is MOW's BS. He won't quit the emails to fWH. The one yesterday was about if fWH is avoiding MOW at work. The one before that, MOW BS wanted fWH's reassurance that everything is going to be all right....

We will just ignore, ignore, ignore. OW and fWH are still working together, but I really do believe it is over. And I still want to know both of their schedules...


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with no response is the best response, and the Certified NC letter? Yah I would do that, and warn if there is not a cease and desist immediately that prior evidence gathtered and any further attempts will be taken to the police and an official restraining order will be filed. I would and in something to the effect of in agreement with our attorney it is in our best intrest to pursue a restraining order if you......

She's a nutbag for sure, but you need to be very clear that it will not be tolerated.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello AWt, if a NC text has been sent then I would probably ignore this attempt. She is trying to cause trouble, perhaps she is even trying to plant the seed that there is someone else other then her. (as it came from a totally different number).

I am wondering.....if she gets a NC cert letter will it bring more drama? It seems that negative attention at this point, is preferred over no attention.

Her sending that juvie text also satisfies the notion that your H's "ok" in the grocery store was the equivalent of, "whatever" to her. Thus, in no way did she get closure.

I am with SoF too. She has shown her true self to H and it aint pretty. Your H is more then aware at this point.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2574 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yah I would do that, and warn if there is not a cease and desist immediately that prior evidence gathtered and any further attempts will be taken to the police and an official restraining order will be filed. I would and in something to the effect of in agreement with our attorney it is in our best intrest to pursue a restraining order if you......

We did just talk about doing exactly this. I let him know what I need and he is in complete agreeance (is that a word? whatever, you know what I mean :)

I am wondering.....if she gets a NC cert letter will it bring more drama? It seems that negative attention at this point, is preferred over no attention.

My thoughts as well, initially. However, she does have a somewhat high profile job- in that she has to network and build trust (financial advisor) and she joins boards and holds fundraisers, all in the name of getting into public office, her ultimate goal is governer. Seriously. She is really not close to it now, but on a town or district level she is pretty well known.
She did tell WH that if word got out about them she would be ruined careerwise.
Im not looking for that...what I am looking for is to get her to just stop. The certified letter sent to her workplace (my idea, bad or good?) will hopefully scare her into just stopping.

We have discussed our letter and we have decided to actually state that any further attempts to contact will be met with taking the certified letter to her town's police department and getting our complaint on file. We will make it short, to the point, no frills. Just don't try, or we will go to the authorities.

My hope is that the threat to expose her in her own town if she does screw up will get her to stop.

Your thoughts, my friends?


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is exactly what we were afraid of, too, that sending the letter would escalate the stalking and fishing behaviour.

However, FWH had put up with it for six years and then over two years for both of us. We needed it to stop and if the letter didn't work we would be looking at legal consequences for OW.

I feel that sending the NC letter and letting OW know that you will be bringing this matter to the attention of her local police department would be enough to get her to stop. With her political aspirations she doesn't want this out at all.

I think sending it to her office is an excellent idea.

My hope is that the threat to expose her in her own town if she does screw up will get her to stop.
You would think so.

eta: as I stated in my earlier post, the OW, after 8 years has finally stopped trying to contact us after we sent the certified NC letter.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:28 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9951 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TennisTC
♀ 41330
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering.....if she gets a NC cert letter will it bring more drama? It seems that negative attention at this point, is preferred over no attention.

^^^^i agree with LA44. I think in her mind it's like two little kids standing there poking or shoving each other. Your H took a jab at her when she was trying to be nice in the grocery store (in her mind), so she poked back with the text. I think sending the letter now might just make her happy bc in her mind the game continues, and she knows she got under you and your H's skin. And not that it matters, but she would probably just use the letter to show others that your H is hung up on her bc she didn't text him and she has no idea what he is talking about.

FWIw, I would change the cell number ASAP and at that point if contact somehow continues have a lawyer send a letter to her...that way it takes her "payoff" (the negative attention from your husband) away, or at least removes him as a pawn in the game.

[This message edited by TennisTC at 1:37 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 167 | Registered: Nov 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the odds are that it's OW, but I just wanted to point out there's a slight chance that this was a wrong number text.

One of the things I told MrH about NC is that it had to be cut and dry. No room for doubt. Letting xOw2 down easy would just give her reason to hope. So she'd fish.

That's what you see here. I don't care how many times the OW called and texted, when he responded, he taught her he would. It's the same principal you find with a kid pitching a fit at the checkout line. One time you give in and get them the candy after a fed minutes. The next time you decided to dig your heels in so the kid ups the tantrum when it's still a no. You give in. They have learned that while the reward time may vary, they will get rewarded at some point so tantrums work.

Basically OW was like a rat in a lab that had to push a button to get cheese. By varying and even stretching out his responses, your WH taught her to increase pushing that button to get the cheese...because it's always worked before.

There's a whole process where you can try to extinguish a behavior learned like this, but I personally think a strongly worded letter mentioning lawyers, ROs and perhaps a press release might do the trick. Don't say you're documenting it because she'll just find better ways to disguise that it's her (such as this, if it was her).


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11274 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
TheAmazingWondertwin
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Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what you see here. I don't care how many times the OW called and texted, when he responded, he taught her he would. It's the same principal you find with a kid pitching a fit at the checkout line. One time you give in and get them the candy after a fed minutes. The next time you decided to dig your heels in so the kid ups the tantrum when it's still a no. You give in. They have learned that while the reward time may vary, they will get rewarded at some point so tantrums work.

Basically OW was like a rat in a lab that had to push a button to get cheese. By varying and even stretching out his responses, your WH taught her to increase pushing that button to get the cheese...because it's always worked before.

Absolutely, Holly- this is the conversation he and I had two weeks ago.
The field I am in focuses on behavior modification and management- so I understand this completely. I actually used a similar example to explain to WH.

I know that he has not contacted her in three months-other than saying Okay at the grocery store- and weve been over that and done with it at this point. He gets this part of it. I beat him over the head with it again and again and I am pretty sure we are clear on the whole thing.

On the other hand- I also know from experience that "ignoring to extinguish" a behavior does not work for EVERYONE. There are some people that really need to be scared and feel something that is precious to them is threatened. A wake up call.

Right now- she is pissed. He chose me, he ignores her, he humiliated her in the grocery store, and he is not playing the game she wants to play right now.
When I learned of their relationship (the details) there were a lot of these back and forth...sweetness, request, denial, tantrum, ..then apology, sweetness, another request, blah blah blah.

It made me sick that he played into it during the A.
It made me sick that the last two weeks of their relationship was argument, then her sweet talking him into coming over "just to talk" and "clear the air." Its the way she works.

It made me so sick because it is so NOT in him to get sucked in like that to drama. But we have all learned how little we knew of them.

Anyway- I digress.
He and I are both worried now. And he realizes his mistakes- I tried to tell him but Noooooooo...stupid foggy headed...any way.
We are past that...well past it and I believe he has learned his lesson in the whole "no contact" arena. I truly believe he thought he would be able to "talk her down" in August. I told him...he just didn't listen. I believe he is listening now.

I am 99.9% sure it was her and not some random person playing around. It was too close to the encounter, it is too close to her personality, it is too "damaging" and focused to be a random person. She was trying to make it seem as if he had another OW - not the case.

FWIw, I would change the cell number ASAP and at that point if contact somehow continues have a lawyer send a letter to her...that way it takes her "payoff" (the negative attention from your husband) away, or at least removes him as a pawn in the game.

I do see your point. I will bring this up with WH. He said we would do whatever we needed- and offered to change numbers. This may be a good start. We may change numbers, write the letter, and only send it if she tries again?
I dont know- I want to get something on paper so if she tries again or if this gets worse, we have a record of it.
I also want to scare her into realizing she could be the one that gets hurt here.

This is so stupid. All of it is just so ridiculous.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 2:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 19

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