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A break through...I hope

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MOTG posted 12/5/2013 06:42 AM

I was posting over in General but I thought I should post here since WH and I are communicating better and it seems we are having positive strides. I'm waiting for the MC office to call me back. I contacted a Church related group for help with the cost of counseling so they have to call me ask me some intake questions and then try to place me with the best person for us.

So in the mean while I have been making some attempt to work with my WH on my own. Been reading a lot here and trying to do things differently then before. He really doesn't like to read but he agreed if I sent him some article via email he would read them and then we can talk about it. I sent an article about internet EA's and he read and this was his response When it was happening I didn't think of it as an affair but I understand now. I realize why this hurt you and I'm sorry (what?!? I thought she was your friend?!?) But he say he gets it so I have to take that in and "believe" unless I find evidence. I have doubt in my heart still but OK. I asked what steps he would take to prevent this in the future. He suggested he simply won't friend women online at all, not in his online gaming or other ways. OK I didn't expect that at all. Then we talked about him lying last Wednesday about going to the bar after work...All he really had to do was text me and say he had a bad day and he was stopping for a beer before he came home, no need to lie. I know it was pouring rain that day, a holiday week and he was out delivering product and it sucked. I'm not completely unreasonable.

I had asked him to tell her the truth and cut off the "friendship" I sent her an email as well because I really don't give a crap. I'm not really mad at her because one of the things I discovered was that he told her I was his ex-wife so why would she be cautious or anything like that. I had also re-downloaded the texting app on his phone a few day before to see if there were any messages there...there was one from her that said "That makes sense, When/If this blows over you know where to find me" no response from him and that is it. He didn't send me a print screen of the message he sent so it's gone all though he told me about it. It leaves me wondering a little but her response indicates that he did explain something to her. I just think he may have left it a little open ended because of the When/if this blows over comment. I don't want to beat a dead horse but will talk about that again. He knows I downloaded the app because I had to change the pass word and it sent him and email, I told him and he didn't act angry or upset I did it.

We also talked about communication and agree to make a few time a week to sit down and talk with out interruption. Communication is our big issue so that was a step.

Over all I feel good, he is acting remorseful and taking the steps I'm requesting to help me get over this. I still have doubts and fears but one step at a time right? I can't force it all into one day.

Any thoughts or opinions are welcome. Thanks for reading

[This message edited by MOTG at 7:05 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

heartache101 posted 12/5/2013 07:09 AM

Sounds like to me he needs to learn what being transparent is and you need to quit accepting his mediocre attempt of transparency. Look he got away with it Again. He did not show you what he said in the contact with OW. Her response is I am still here, wtf. You posted in R so I can not state on her because it is negative. So like a child he will hide it better next time. To me the most important reaction of a truly remorseful WS is letting you see the NC the BS and not hiding anything full transparency.
I am sorry but he has a lot of work and you should not be the one digging for answers he should. I mean he has all this time for gaming and stopping off at bars and not telling the truth about that. Liars dont lie about nothing. Liars lie to hide something. He did not stop at a bar for just a drink. He is manipulating you. I hope you get into counseling and can get some IRL support. Take care of You!

MOTG posted 12/5/2013 07:27 AM

I did tell him I should have been given a print screen of that message but it's gone now. The text app erases the history once it's deleted and re-downloaded. I asked him to close the account completely. I'll make sure he did this. I'm going to mull over the other things you said. I felt like this was progress now I'm feeling a bit down.

MOTG posted 12/5/2013 08:19 AM

I also want to touch base about the video games...When I met my husband I was a gamer too. He is also a musician. I became the manager of a band that was started while we were together. For various reasons I pulled away from the band the members of the band said things that hurt my feelings so I stopped spending my time helping them. They ended up doing all the things I said and was trying to do with them and the band was getting paid shows. I didn't go to any of those shows because I was angry. This hurt my husband, if felt that I no longer supported him and this was a turning point in our relationship. I could have still supported him with out supporting them but I didn't. I own this. I threw my hands up in the air and stopped supporting something that was important to him.

I do want him to become transparent with me. I do want open communication with him. We will be going to counseling. I want him to put a bigger effort yes. But I can't become a dictator, If I take away every outlet that he has I think it will be detrimental to the relationship. He does work 2 jobs for my family and he plays online at his second job, it's allowed and encouraged because they have special game nights there. He works and participates in them.

I don't really game any more. I have other things going on and I let that go. Not that I would like to game now and again but I spend a good deal of time going to play groups with my kids and have met a groups of Moms that we plan kids events and ladies nights with. Just because I let that go doesn't mean I should expect him to make that same exact change with me.

There are other things I want and need him to work on but if we are so rigid in our marriage we become and/or are part of the problem with communication. I myself have taken classes with my employer on effective communication and taught effective communication workshops to other employees. Part of communication is listening. Part of being in a relationship is compromise.

I was rigid with him before and it really got me no where. I am improving myself by listening and making compromise.

He also has ADHD and setting up specific time to communicate with him and have undivided attention I know is something he needs. Yes our WS did the damage but making them beg like dogs is not healthy and not conducive to building a better relationship.

Our conversations last night we calm, He approached me and said he understands and is sorry.

Even though our spouses betrayed us we need to look into ourselves and see what they see too, what in our marriages facilitated this.

I hope this makes sense.

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