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Just for one day.

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Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 07:41 AM

Just for one day, I wish they could feel what we feel.
I wish they could feel the terror that washes over us in the morning. The dread of facing a new day. The devastation of knowing that your life is forever changed, and will never be what you thought it was. That your hopes and dreams feel completely crushed and destroyed. The feeling of being completely alone and tossed away like you aren't worth more than a speck of dust.
The heavy weight that makes it feel like the simplest task of walking, and breathing, and eating takes a superhuman effort.
The feeling that your insides have been ripped out.
The longing for the love you thought you had..the horrible, desperate, would-do-anything longing.

The grief, the mourning, the pain, the agony, the waves of panic, the tears that never seem to stop or go away.

Just for one day.

And do you know what I want for just one day? One more day with who I thought was my heart and my love. One more day to hug him and tell him I love him. One more day of thinking he loved me back. One more day of having hope and feeling like you have someone by your side.

Some days I don't think I can do this anymore. The pain is just too much.

7yrsflushed posted 12/5/2013 07:50 AM

You can and will do this lostandpregnant. You will survive this and you will get through it for your kids but you will get through it for yourself as well. I know this sounds hollow but it gets better. I remember coming here over 2 years ago and feeling exactly the way you feel. It gets better. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to mourn what you had just remember to take care of yourself. It doesn't hurt forever and the tears do stop eventually.

NoAnswers37 posted 12/5/2013 08:17 AM

You've been heard, Lost. We're right here beside you.


Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 08:50 AM

Thank you both.
Reading that you are hearing me made me cry harder, I appreciate it.

Gotmegood posted 12/5/2013 09:08 AM

I feel you too. I have been living with the *new reality* for 4 months, and still cry every morning. But less, a little less. I think there are two traumas that hit us at once: the tearing of your heart to have found out that the love and trust in your relationship was one-sided, and the unmitigated SHOCK involved in finding out. To this day, if someone tapped me on the shoulder and said " that didn't really happen to you", I would be able to believe them.
I hope you have a support system. Your mother, friends and a counsellor. You should not be attempting to deal with this all alone. Know that you do have *virtual* friends who share your pain.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 09:13 AM

I do not have a support system.
I'm trying to find one, but I am very much alone with this.

Tred posted 12/5/2013 09:16 AM

Some days I don't think I can do this anymore. The pain is just too much.

Sure you can. You have 5 kids - you are obviously a very strong woman. It's your H that can't handle reality. He's the weak one to abandon his family, his children, especially one with special needs. And when you feel weak, lean on us. We are always here. But I second the notion of getting a real life support system going for you.


Snapcap posted 12/5/2013 10:29 AM


Thanks for your reply to my post; I hadn't seen this. Your post was much more elegantly written, but my feelings exactly. The fact you can offer empathy to me at a time like this for you tells you just how strong you are.

Some days I don't think I can do this anymore. The pain is just too much.

I know, I know. (((Lostandpregnant)))
But we will make it, somehow. We are strong, even if we don't realize it.

Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 10:41 AM

Lost and Pregnant

I'm very new here but just want to send you a load of cyber hugs - I wish I could hug you properly. You are going through the worst thing that can happen, yet have to care for your children and look after yourself and your babies. Please take care and somewhere down the road things will get better.


Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 10:48 AM

Thank you <3

JerseyCowgirl posted 12/5/2013 11:04 AM

I am soooo with you on this one...but it has been so long for me that now I'm just hoping for 30 seconds!

painfulpast posted 12/5/2013 11:50 AM

Sup girl???

He can’t feel what you feel. He’s an empty shell.

I read your other post where you ‘cemented’ the death of your relationship. Not him having a girlfriend, walking out on you, leaving you while pregnant, going on vacation with OW. No, none of that meant the relationship was dead. Oh, LandP, if only you hadn’t sent him some texts!

What a headuphisass moron!!! Any time you’re feeling sad, remember that comment about cement. Remember how he blamed you for everything, no matter how clear it was that it was his fault. Picture him coming home, and acting like YOU were lucky he was there. I bet your sadness clears up fast.

You are doing amazingly well. You really are. He’s such a nothing. I bet you’re already seeing just how useless he really was.

I’m glad you blocked him. After all, you ‘made’ him block you, again, all those texts. You had the nerve to wonder if your fiancé was ever coming home. Man, it never ends with you, does it???

I bet if he learns that you’ve blocked him he’ll create a new email account so he can get through to you. Whatever he sends, DO NOT RESPOND to anything unless it relates to finances or the apartment. And please please please – Do not let him know that there are times when you miss him. Keep that to yourself. He’ll just feed off of it.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 12:02 PM

I won't. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing I care.
And there isn't anything to talk about with finances, or anything, the only thing left is if I go after him for child support, and that can be done thru lawyers. There is literally nothing he or I have left to sort out. I guess those are the perks of not marrying.
I was going to ask you if you had read what he'd written to me..unbelievable, eh?

Skan posted 12/5/2013 16:20 PM

(((hugs))) That damned roller coaster is going to go up and down for some time. Stay strong and keep reaching out to use. We got your back!

Jules1111 posted 12/5/2013 16:29 PM

Lost what you wrote was so beautifully said. I hear you and those same thoughts go through my head. I am so sorry for what you are going through and wish I could do something to take the pain away- for all of us. Hug your kids, rub your strong body's belly (you've brought to life 5 children and 2 on the way. You are fricking amazing), take a deep breath and realize that right now at this very moment..,right are ok. No matter the fears of the future and the 'what ifs'.... right now you are ok. You are living and breathing and carrying on. It may seem like this is never ending but I have to believe the veterans of this site that things WILL get better and we will all be happy again one day. Hugs to you.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/6/2013 16:51 PM

Hi Lost,

What you wrote is really beautiful. Really beautiful.

I am sure it speaks to and is speaking for so many of us.

Just reading it makes me feel comforted in not being alone.

I feel like handing it to my WS to see if he might actually have a human reaction to it.

I read some of your others posts. I read you don't have a great support system and that you are understandably struggling with taking good care of your children and household stuff all on your own.

I don't know where in Canada you are but if you don't have energy to make friends, and that would be perfectly normal, maybe see if there is a BAN support group near you somewhere, or call your local mental health / counselor folks and see if there are any grief or other groups. I don't know if you have friends around at all but not knowing too much about you, I hope you are not socially isolated.

Heck even an Alanon group might help. Somewhere to be with others who are struggling and who seek community.

What about hiring an Au Pair from Europe; i don't know if they are paid at all or entirely volunteer. It might be a crazy idea, but maybe not?

I don't know if you can afford it but when my father died, I was a big mess and I wound up hiring a college girl to come over 2x a week and help me with basic household/home biz organization tasks. I think I paid her $10 cash/hour. She knew i was grieving and responded to my ad at the university because she was familiar with grief and wanted to be of service while she was earning money for school.

Just ideas. No harm if none are realistic, just trying. So sorry for your situation. It's a cruel one for sure. My heart goes out to you.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/6/2013 18:01 PM

Thank you for brainstorming ideas for me..I really appreciate it and will look into each one <3

Lostandpregnant posted 12/6/2013 18:04 PM

It can be hard to go places without my autistic guy because he also has sensory processing disorder and major anxiety issues, so I'm pretty limited, esp this time of year when it gets dark early, he doesn't do well with the shorter days or understand why it's dark at a time it used to be can be draining some days.

gypsybird87 posted 12/6/2013 18:50 PM

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. This is such a devastating thing to face, for all of us. I'm 8 months out and I still feel like I could have written your post, word for word.

I can tell you it does get better though. I used to wake up sick to my stomach, every single morning. Even before my eyes were open and I fully realized I was awake, I felt just sick. Then one day I woke up and that feeling was gone. It just took time.

You are so incredibly strong. Please give yourself credit for all you have done and all you are doing, every day. Take comfort in knowing that your X could not do what you are doing. Even on your weakest, tired-est, most down day, you are still 1000x stronger than he is. No doubt about it.

He also doesn't have 41,000+ plus online friends from around the world who support him, care for him and believe in him. You do.

You're going to be okay.


myowndystopia posted 12/6/2013 23:21 PM


That was a great idea about a college student. You actually need the respite now. I work with lots of children with autism and many of the families find either a college student studying the field (OT,SLP, ABA or teacher), a special ed teacher or someone who just has a knack for working with special needs kids. Start small- a couple of hours one day a week and build up. There are even agencies that will help provide that respite for you. And as mentioned- find a way to meet others and get a support system for you. You may want to even look at some of the special needs support groups. I know you are in Canada but here in the states there are support groups that meet locally for kids with special needs. I have a special needs daughter and 13 years ago started the support group in my area for her dx. Today I am an active member of the support group in my county for parents with special needs kids - we help each other with all things school related- but have met friends through these type groups. You never know where you may find your next best friend and support in one area of your life may benefit other areas! My daughter does a mommy's with small children meet up group. I know in my area there is also a women and wine (ok order sprite) meet up group. Search out options! Hugs to you

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