Wow, everyone, thank you so much for the responses. This response will be lengthy, but you all gave me a lot of food for thought. Hopefully this remains coherent... Big thank you to anyone who reads the whole post
First, to answer Dare2Trust:
--It started with sexting with 1 OW and eventually sexting with a total of 5 OW, kissing 2 and a BJ from 1. Sailor girl mentioned possibly of addiction issues and yes, sex addict has been considered by all therapists involved.
--This was H explanations for why he didn't confess (copied, verbatim from an e-mail he sent me)"I also recognize that the second part of this, in that I didn't tell you about it or stop on my own, is nearly as if not more important than why it happened. Part of the reason I didn't tell you is because couldn't bear to lay my flaws that openly at your feet despite what I KNEW, in that you needed to know and it be from me... I was ashamed of my actions, still am, but could not bear to have you, the most important person in my life, see me as anything like the evil man I thought I saw in the mirror. The guilt, the desire to tell you, and the crushing shame have been there all along, although at times when I was texting I would compartmentalize and no t focus on it. I started to tell you so many times, and yet couldn't. I knew that it would hurt you, but that is NOT what I wanted. It was, as you mentioned, one of the most selfish parts of what I have done."
I honestly think he never would have stopped had I not found out. Sexting is his main coping mechanism for stress. It just so happens that life is just one stressor after another
--H has done several things to start to fix this mess. He was the one to set up IC and MC for both of us. Changed his phone number so none of the OW could contact him. Deleted his Facebook account. Was open to answer any questions I have. He is willing to be completely transparent. BUT, I don't think he is REALLY putting in 100% to address WHY he allowed himself to behave in such a despicable manner.
There were a couple recurring themes in the responses to my original post. I agree COMPLETELY that the only way we could possibly make this marriage work is if he faces all of his problems/reasons for the infidelity AND works to fix them. I have verbalized to him on several occasions that I feel like he is more concerned with fixing me (i.e. trying to make me the happy person I was before D-Day) rather than putting in the effort to fix himself. Yes, he goes to IC and he goes to MC. With his IC, he has addressed several "reasons" for why he cheated but I am concerned that he has been fed some of these reasons by the therapist and I fear that he doesn't do enough soul searching other than that one hour each week.
The reasons for WHY that he has shared with me thus far: Low self-esteem, he liked the thrill of something forbidden, immature thought process, and poor coping mechanism. I now know that lack of appropriate coping mechanisms played a big role in WH allowing the cheating to occur. Like plainpain, my husband did not share his struggles with me and he was blindly trying to overcome FOO issues. However, my gut tells me there is still a deeper reason why he cheated than what he has shared with me or his IC.
Another recurring theme was the acknowledgement that, after DDay, the BS felt that the "old" marriage ended and they had to start anew, with both partners finding a happier, healthier place. Here's my big hang-up... I have always had trust issues with men (thanks mostly to my father and a couple ex-bfs). One of the MAIN reasons I married my H was because I judged him to be an open and honest man. I was wrong and with the loss of that trust, I struggle to find value in this marriage. Had he had a ONS and told me about it himself, I would have forgave. I can accept an imperfect person, but I don't think I can accept a liar. He just might put his all into fixing himself and become a better(healthier) person. But I'm worried that I am now the one who is too broken and we will still have a dysfunctional marriage. I know everyone has room for improvement. I know I have room for improvement. For instance, the only way I know how to cope with people who deeply hurt me is to shut them out of my life and move on. For the sake of my 2 year old son I'm willing to "consider" R rather than running from the problem. But it really leaves a sour taste in my mouth to say "The first person that I will learn to forgive and accept and love unconditionally will be the man who never gave me a chance in our marriage until he was outed by a stranger".
A couple posts also spoke to the fact that a WS cannot rush a BS. My husband does not get this. I have verbalized this concern to him multiple times. I almost filed for a D in August because H would follow me around like a lost puppy dog and constantly ask how I was. OMG I was being smothered. He has backed off a lot since that low point, but he still doesn't see how his occasional pleading, unnecessary increase in compliments, insisting that we kiss goodnight, claims that we WILL get to a place of happiness together are pushing me away.
AHHHHHHHH it feels better to get that all out!!!