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Do I have it all?

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peoplepleaser posted 12/5/2013 08:45 AM

Sorry for the cross-post. Someone recommended I post this here.

So DDay was September 6. I suspected there was someone else from the first week she had private phone conversations with a friend of a friend to sort out our relationship problems. I was made to feel crazy, of course. Five weeks later I found phone calls to a number I didn't recognize and was devastated to find the name of the person (someone I didn't know very well, and didn't think WP knew well). At first she insisted that they were just friends, but when I didn't believe her I gave her one night of amnesty telling her the relationship was over if any more information came out after that day. She then revealed an EA, saying her intent was to talk to someone about the problems in our relationship but developed a closeness or affinity for the other woman. She said she wasn't attracted to her, but that it felt good when the other woman flirted with her, cared about her feelings and made her feel important and wanted. She said she ended it the week before when the woman invited her over to "be together." Over the next few weeks she insisted I had everything, but I was sure there was more than the phone calls because WP is a texter, not talker. When I ordered the history of texts, she then sat down to write out her account of the A story and then realized how many texts there were. Worse, there were more than calls and of both WP initiated twice the amount the other woman did. I was heartbroken again, and felt betrayed all over again, though WP insists she didn't "remember." There are some inconsistencies though that I'm having trouble getting past. She is again emphatic that I have all the information. There were two texts from WPs phone one each two afternoons (with no response) after she told me she ended it--the last one was the afternoon before I found the phone calls. She says she didn't do them and it's a phone company mistake. Also, she says the first week they corresponded she talked with the other woman on the phone, but there is no phone record of that call. WP is positive she never talked to her on her work phone, so I'm confused about that, too.
She has been somewhat defensive, but open to answering any questions I have about the details. However, lately she has been pressuring me to move forward and telling me that even though I have all the information I'm just not going to feel like I do. Last week I realized that I would be able to recover the entire text history from her phone's cache. Several times I tried to get her phone, but she took it back. After a few days I told her I was getting suspicious that I can't have her phone. So, I decided to just tell her one evening that I am going to retrieve the texts, but she left her phone on the hood of her car and drove away demolishing the phone. I tried to get the backup files from her work computer only to find out that two weeks ago the computer was wiped clean. It's just adding more suspicion. In addition, little bits of information keep coming up (like she had offered the woman a job in an interview two years prior, but due to circumstances was never able to fully hire her after that--said she forgot).

Every time I've suspected something or that there is more, there has been. I realize, however, that I've been traumatized which weakens my ability to trust my instincts. So, what I'm asking is, how do you know when you have enough information to move on? Can you trust your instinct that there is more? Is it important to get that information? I want to trust her, but with this nagging feeling that there is more, I'm unable to move on.

Skan posted 12/5/2013 14:04 PM

You have enough information, when YOU feel you have enough information. Honestly, unless you are looking to divorce someone in one of the few states that have adultery as a fault divorce, and you have photos, then there's no need to keep on digging when YOU know. And I do believe, that you know that she's lying to you.

I'm really sorry. If this was all innocent, then you would have been included instead of shut-out, ridiculed, and lied to.

peoplepleaser posted 12/5/2013 14:39 PM

Thanks for the support. I think I probably should post more information. After she admitted the EA she was open to sitting down whenever I wanted to. At that time I was firing questions, and according to the excellent book I read, that created a defensive mode. Of course she referenced the defense as the reason she blocked out the texts. She insists that she began writing the story of the A before I told her about ordering the text history, but she didn't tell me she was doing it until three days after I told her I ordered it. In that story she revealed her emotions and thoughts along the way, and admitted to the volume of texts I found. However, it certainly felt that she was keeping information from me. Just one more lie if admission revealed a month after DD. Since then she has tried to regain trust be offering me her phone, looking through the phone record and telling me more details about her day. She has processed her daily interactions with others to discover ways she may be breaking boundaries or giving others the wrong impression. She has also been intermittently trying to do romantic things to make me feel special again. Many times she has told me that she's angry at herself and sick about what she has done, and that she feels ashamed to me and to God. She says she will spend the rest of her life making it up to me. However, she insists that she forgets the answers to questions I have about parts of the A story that don't make sense. It's these parts that I'm stuck on. So when she got funny about her phone I realized I could get the texts. I didn't tell her I was going to do that (and she is not at all tech savvy). It was the evening before I was going to tell her I was hunting them down that the phone was accidentally destroyed. So not having access to something I overlooked as an option is driving me crazy. And again, there is this nagging feeling that I don't have it all.

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