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Can not eat or sleep.. please offer advice..

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Melissa85 posted 12/5/2013 09:02 AM

My fiancé and I have been together 4 years, recently engaged and moved in together. The love I have for this man is unlike anything I can explain. He is was my best friend and the closest thing to family I really had. Our relationship had been struggling since we moved in together, no sex and frequent arguments for last 2 months.( thats how long we lived together) He is always seceative with his phone and One morning after a fight I went through his phone, long behold a text showed up just as I unlocked it ( he did not know I knew the passcode" "Hey Babe heres my new number". Of course I called her and finally got the truth with him listening, him trying to yell at her, call her a liar, slut etc. she was very apologetic and explained they met at his work, went out for drinks, got in his car and fooled around. She said he pushed for more but she declined. I also found several pictures of naked girls he downloaded. There were other unsaved numbers I called, one being his ex. I spoke with her, she explained that she no longer lives here and I don't have to worry about her. She was catty and explained he had cheated on her but they still maintained a friendship which I had no clue about. They called each other every so often to "catch up", apparently mostly to complain about me she said. The morning I confronted him I cried so hard I could not breath, I told him how badly he hurt me, he cried and said he was lost and that he felt like I didn't care or try anymore but since that morning he has yet to acknowledge what he did or try to fix it. As soon as all this came in to light I moved out, Its been 3 days and I've found another apartment and ended it with him. The only communication is about our lease and now he is slowly calling more and acting as if every thing is ok. I wonder how many other girls their are because he was very good at deleting and not saving numbers. Do I wait on new the apartment? Do I forgive him? We have broken up and got back together so many times, is he not taking this time seriously? Please offer some advice Im so lost I can not eat or sleep..

Also I have found texts before from girls but after getting back together from a week or two break up. Or so I thought..

Quakingaspen posted 12/5/2013 09:22 AM


I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Since you asked, I say you have wasted enough time on this man, and you need to get out while you can. Good for you moving out and getting your own place! Stick with your guns!

You are worth so much more than he is willing to give.

ruby44 posted 12/5/2013 09:23 AM

Dear sweet Melissa,
(Gently) move forward. He is not ready for a marriage, he is not ready for a commitment, he is not ready for till death do us part. You need to move out, move on, without him. The man he is today does not deserve you.
If he realizes what he is doing, it will take a ton of work on his part to become the man that deserves your love.
Probably he has been unfaithful from the beginning. He distance from you since you moved in together is that he is unhappy that his double life is not easy anymore. Go to the healing library in the yellow box on the left. Read, read and read some more. Knowledge is power.
As for the not eating or sleepy, sweetie, it is just part of the horror of loss. You have experienced a death and that is stage one. Everyone here will say, eat, sleep but it is HARD. I did chicken broth and crackers, just like you do after a bad case of the flu. Little bites here and there. DRINK WATER if you can't stomach anything else.
Hugs Melissa, you have found support here, visit often. The beautiful members of this website will help. I am new here too but slowly coming out of the darkness.

Lola7 posted 12/5/2013 09:28 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. IMHO, you need to end this. You're not even married yet and you have proof of multiple fuck ups from this man. Can you really stand in a church and take vows with someone that already cheating on you? Please don't do this, you deserve much more than that.

You don't want to find yourself legal tangled with a person who is clearly showing you what he is. Trust me on this.

steadfast1973 posted 12/5/2013 09:33 AM

I kept my strength up with meal replacement shakes, v8 juice and vitamins. I know it's hard to eat, but if you can drink, drink those, so you don't starve yourself.

Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 09:38 AM


Don't waste any more of your life with this selfish pig. If he can do this now don't expect any limits if you marry and have a family.
This time should be wonderful for both of you but he has soiled that forever. There are good decent men out there.........

Big hugs

LivingALie posted 12/5/2013 09:40 AM

He did this because "he thought you didn't care".

I know that you're smart enough not to believe that- because he's just blaming you for his actions which he clearly knows are wrong.

You should be so proud of yourself for leaving and getting another apartment. You've done what so many here wish they could do but its not easy when you've had years of marriage, finances and children. You're so lucky you don't have to deal with that too.

Make a clean break with him and let him play his games with someone else.

Marriage will not change him - his tears will not change - your tears will not change him. This is who he is - a liar and a cheater.

I know its hard right now and you love him and want to believe his tears, but something tells me that deep down in your heart and soul you know he isn't good enough for you.

If your best girlfriend came to you with this exact same story - what would your advice to her be?

You take good care of yourself - you're going to be just fine - soon you will look back on this and be happy that you got away from him.

staystrong101 posted 12/5/2013 12:10 PM

Get out now. I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I'm about 7 months since DDay and finally putting a few lost pounds back on. It's been rough. I've been M almost 24 years. But for you - this man is already cheating on you, multiple times, while you're engaged! And only living together 2 months? This should be a happy, loving, fun time in your relationship. He's already capable of lying to you now. What will happen when the reality of kids, work, mortgage, etc. sets in? I know it hurts, but you are really fortunate to see his true colors before getting married. The fact that you have already moved out shows that you know you're worth more than this treatment. Don't listen to his lies, the crying and begging. He probably knows how to get to you after 4 years together. You can do this. Maybe it would help to think of it this way - what would you tell your best girlfriend if she was in your situation? I think you'd tell her to get away, and fast. Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't truly value you. Peace and hugs to you, and i'm sorry.

Camille87 posted 12/5/2013 16:14 PM

When my H confessed his affair we had been married 19 years, had a big house and mortgage and two children. I envy you that you can walk away now even before a wedding has been paid for and photographed, before 19 years of living and building a life together has been completed and before children are there to suffer the consequences of a separation or divorce.

In total I lost 38 pounds and lots of my beautiful long hair, couldn't eat or sleep, was put on anti-depressant medication and was having panic attacks and insomnia problems. I was a walking zombie for months. As you spend more time building a life it will only hurt more down the road if you have to part ways.

It sounds to me like he's not marriage material. I'm so sorry for your pain.

whichwaysup posted 12/5/2013 16:30 PM

Melissa please listen to these other posts. I'm sorry for your heartache, but it can actually get a lot worse. Run don't walk!

Livia1776 posted 12/5/2013 16:42 PM

Oh, Melissa! (((((HUGS!)))))

I've been just where you are. He sounds like a serial cheater (he cheated on his ex, too?), so I doubt he will change. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Do your best to try and forget about him. When it happened to me, I couldn't eat or sleep, either…I drank lots of juice to keep up my strength, and I got some over-the-counter herbal things to help me sleep. When you find out, it really is like someone died; to you, the man he was is dead. Stay strong - we're rooting for you!

womaninflux posted 12/5/2013 17:14 PM

If you are willing to give him another chance, I would insist on going to pre-marital counseling and he needs to go to IC and examine his family of origin issues. It sounds like he is acting out because of attachment issues. Also - i have to ask - is he into porn? That is something I'd examine as well. The lack of sex thing is an intimacy issue. Believe me, you don't want to marry this guy and end up not having sex for 7 1/2 years, only to resume after you find out he's had an affair and is addicted to porn because of his intimacy disorder. BTDT. I wish my SAWH and I had done premarital counseling to examine our issues/family history. My husband's parents did not exactly model the perfect (or any) communication/marriage.

ETA - Make sure you take care of yourself. Do some things to take your mind off of this. Go see a movie. Get a massage. Visit with a trusted friend.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 5:16 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

steadfast1973 posted 12/5/2013 17:20 PM

Yes. Lord. My WH is addicted to porn... He's working on it now... But, I wish I had seen it after we had DD10, but before i married his sorry ass. Could've saved so much heartache. (My daughter is my heart, i don't want to wish her away )

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:21 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Melissa85 posted 12/5/2013 19:49 PM

I cannot express the amount of appreciation I have for all of those who replied, I do not have parents to guide me and I'm only 26, so having so many people provide me with a way to cope and move on is unbelievable. After reading the advice you all provided I proceeded to sign my new lease and empty out our apartment, and I mean empty! He called crying so hard today I couldn't make out the words but it made no difference to me. To answer a few questions, yes he cheated on his ex and I'm sure he will cheat on the next. It's amazing how someone u love so unconditionally could be capable of such sickening actions. I may be all alone but I thank each one of you for saving me from a marriage that would have shattered me even more in the long run. Thank you!

sailorgirl posted 12/5/2013 23:08 PM

Go Melissa!!

It is like a kick in the gut to realize that the person you loved and trusted is totally messed up. It hurts so bad that sometimes you can't think straight. But you are on the right track for sure, and should be proud of yourself.

Fear of losing a relationship does not keep people from cheating. Neither do feelings of love. So, it doesn't matter how much he cries and can't live without you. Since he's not an emotionally healthy person, he is going to keep cheating.

womaninflux posted 12/5/2013 23:12 PM

You are doing the right thing…listening to your gut.

Dare2Trust posted 12/5/2013 23:18 PM


When a MAN tells and shows you what he IS: Listen very carefully...and WATCH him very carefully and believe what HE is telling and showing you: That he is a deceitful liar and cheater!

Then carefully listen to what OTHER PEOPLE are telling you about his Ex-wife and this woman you called on the phone: Both of these women verified that HE is a disrepectful, deceitful MAN...who cheats behind your back..and who talks about you behind your back.

You do not need a MAN like this in your life.
You deserve a MAN who loves and respects you.
I'm sincerely sorr for the pain you're going through...
Think back carefully to WHY you've broken up with this guy so many times - and REMEMBER: You deserve so much better!

movingforward777 posted 12/5/2013 23:35 PM

((Melissa)) You have taken the first step...getting out of there and getting your own place...good for you...
Now you need to look after yourself...find a good counsellor that you can go and talk may help to have someone you can trust to be impartial and trained to "unload" on....I know it made a world of difference for me to have someone I could trust to give me straight, impartial answers.
Try drinking "Instant Breakfast", or "smoothies to get some calories in...there are many different types of "over the counter" products you can is easier to sip at a drink than try to cook/eat a meal I found...
Talk to your Dr. if you feel you need something to help you is so important in being able to function during the day at work....there are over the counter things like "Melatonin" that do work as well if you don't want to get a prescription medication...I also bought some "relaxation" cd's to listen to at night...gentle music with the sound of waves, or nature...can be found all over the place.
Try starting a journal. It is a safe place to pour out how you feel, private, and you don't have to share/show it to anyone unless you choose to. It also can stop you from sending "nasty" letters to them because you write it in there instead of sending it.
Cut off the communication with him. If you intend to move forward without him he will only f*ck with your head and try to win you back....
As many here have said, he's not worth it...if he's screwing around on you now before you are married, at a time when he is supposed to be making you the centre of his world and then his wife...he is not worth your time and love...
Come here to SI often...the wisdom, love and support is amazing...we've all either been there, or are there with the advice is awesome.....HUGS

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