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what would you do?

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wantreallove posted 12/5/2013 09:07 AM

So things have been going very well. I know where he is pretty much at all times and it doesn't appear that he has been deleting messages on the computer or his phone.

All that to say that I am really struggling with something. He has a friend that is a girl. It started out as a classmate and she was struggling with her faith and her marriage and he thought that maybe her and I would hit it off as friends. We've gotten together as families and as couples.

But I get so scared because her and him are getting closer and closer as friends, and her and I are nothing more then acquaintances. When I finally told him how I felt he asked me if I wanted him to quit being friends with her. I know it's my codependency but my answer is I don't know.

I used to believe that a wife and a husband could have friends of the opposite gender and it was perfectly ok because you trusted each other. I have read all of his texts with her and I guess I am just jealous. I have never been huge into music, quoting lyrics or bands, but that is a big thing he enjoys. And she is also into this. So now I see them exchanging lyrics and bands and he called her his beastie. The morning after I told him I was uncomfortable he texted her "good morning beautiful

Am I just blind? I know what advice people will offer but I guess I want to hear it anyway. What does recovering from infidelity look like long term? Is he never allowed to have friendships of the opposite gender ever again? Am I being controlling if I ask him to stop being friends with her? Am I holding the past over his head? I am so confused about all this. Part of me is even mad that he would put himself in a situation that even smells of infidelity.

bionicgal posted 12/5/2013 10:56 AM

Not codependent! In my book, not ok to have friends of the opposite sex when you are married. Period. Particularly if one has been a wayward! Many, many affairs happen between friends. My husband's did -- it was just because she was part of a couple friend that we weren't on alert.

bionicgal posted 12/5/2013 11:09 AM

Oh, and hold on - I just read your post more fully. He sent a text to another woman that said "good morning beautiful?!?!?!?!"

(Can you tell from my punctuation that I think that is totally, absolutely out of line? And super dangerous? And absolutely boundary crossing? Holy cow!!)

Gent your man into some serious therapy, hon. I am sorry to be so harsh, but that is so inappropriate, and I am sorry you are even questioning yourself.

Rebreather posted 12/5/2013 11:12 AM

Hon, you wanting firm boundaries is the opposite of being codependent. I would strongly encourage you to put some work into understanding that because it is likely you are codependent, because establishing boundaries is unfamiliar to you and making you doubt yourself.

That said, uh, I agree with the others - he is engaged in at least an emotional affair with this woman. He is totally and completely out of line and in the wrong. At this stage in your recovery he should understand what he is doing a is a violation of all the tenants of reconciliation - he seems to not. What DOES he understand?

Dawnie posted 12/5/2013 11:14 AM

If my husband ever texted another woman Good Morning Beautiful I would blow a gasket (and he has never cheated on me). With your H's past track record this is a HUGE red flag that this relationship is headed into dangerous waters.... you need to stop this in its tracks and he needs to respect boundaries...


wantreallove posted 12/5/2013 11:49 AM

I understand that wanting boundaries is good, I'm just terrible about recognizing that they are needed. I trust way too easily. I feel too much for the other person and how they might be hurt. That is where I am codependent. I will put myself on the back burner over and over until I feel like bursting and then I shove the bursting feeling down and tell myself not to be selfish. Very codependent. I was working on this but lately I haven't done as much work. I have been tired and so busy with the kids' activities. I haven't been to my 12 step group in what feels like forever. This incident is a wake up call to me that I need to get back to work.

(Also I accidentally posted this topic 3x and people have been commenting on 2 of them so I want to thank all who have been commenting here and there.)

SI Staff posted 12/5/2013 12:04 PM

Please use this existing thread as this is a duplicate.

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