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So emotionally lost

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Quakingaspen posted 12/5/2013 09:13 AM

Still slogging through every day. Some days are almost normal, but others I just burn the hours until I can go to bed. We went to visit family over Thanksgiving, and he completely isolated himself, barely talking to me at all and not doing anything with the kids. He later told me he just didn't feel invested since it ocurred to him that it might be the last time we do that.

After not even wanting to consider separating, divorce or anything, suddenly WS is planning to move out. He says the limbo is killing him. Yeah, try almost 20 years of emotional limbo, buzzard.

The only conclusion I have come to is that, after moving roughly every 3 years, I need to find a place and settle at least until all of the kids are out of high school. I need to establish my own career and just have something I can count on. I need a home for my kids to know they will be coming back to for a while. I think they deserve that.

So he created this plan where I move back near my parents with the kids (out of state from him!), and he comes to visit to be part of the kids' lives, and somehow woos me back so we can be back together by the time he is ready to retire (5 years). He is willing to buy a house for me and the kids to live in while we wait around for him. He's really excited about this idea and spent most of last night looking at furnished apartments for himself near his work and at real estate for us.

Part of me wants to scream at him. What is wrong with him? How can he be so willing to just lose our kids? The every day is where all the magic happens, and he is completely oblivious. I feel almost like it was another D-Day, the one where I discovered just how little our children mean to him. I dread seeing their faces when they figure it out. My oldest is already there, and it is really heartbreaking.

And then there is the part where, even after I have told him that I don't think there is anything to salvage in our marriage, he thinks I am going to stay married to him indefinitely, while he's off doing whatever the hell he wants, and then be wooed back at his convenience?

I just don't even know how to respond right now. I feel like he's forcing decisions and being very selfish, as usual. Part of me wants to cut and run far and fast, but I really hope(d?) that we would be able to come to an amicable arrangement once I was ready to decide what I needed.

Another part of me thinks it is okay not to respond right now. We have a little time before a decision has to be made, and I don't have to let him in on my thinking until I need to. This just sucks so bad. I wish I knew what to do.

doggiediva posted 12/5/2013 10:10 AM

((((Quakingaspen))) I love your user name..I enjoyed my travels to places that have these beautiful tees...

I think it is okay not to respond right now...He doesn't sound like somebody who has healing the marriage as his priority..He sounds more like somebody who has something up his sleeve to benefit him financially..

I don't think that the way he has things planned in his head is considering his family..I have a feeling he is considering himself more..Is this plan gonna do anything to secure your future? The kids future? Wow, he is retiring at a young age in 5 years...Is he in the military? If you guys separate and make the move like he has planned for you, are you sure that he can't yank the rug out from under your feet again?

If he wants to separate badly enough while providing for his family he wouldn't have a problem with D...At least you and the kids could be provided for in a set way and for set amount of time( as set in the settlement or agreement) with little in the way of surprises that could trip you up and send you to your knees again..

E.T.A. I just read your backstory and answered my own question..
Please do not be surprised if you and your WH don't/can't remain friends in a divorce...Don't let you and the kids get unnecessarily taken advantage of (screwed over) in the name of staying friends..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:27 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Quakingaspen posted 12/5/2013 13:34 PM

Thank you doggiediva. I love those trees as well.

His behavior has me activating all of my anxieties. I can't explain it and it just doesn't make any sense, so I am on guard. I haven't felt this close to a panic attack in weeks. I'll be speaking to a lawyer next week.

I honestly don't want his bribe house, I don't want his "support", I wish at least for a while that he could just go away and let me be hurt and sad and work through this. But I don't want to make life harder for the kids than it has to be. I need a friend to chat this out with so bad, but most of mine, while supportive, haven't gone through this and have very definite opinions of what I should be doing. It is hard to find people who can help without judging.

I am frankly terrified, and running through all of my coping mechanisms to try and calm down. After insisting that neither of us rush into anything, it is like he is suddenly resolving everything and I can't help but feel it is not because of any altruistic feeling on his part.

doggiediva posted 12/5/2013 19:15 PM

I want to go back to a place that is covered in Aspens (with fall colors), stand in the middle of an Aspen grove, and take lots and lots of pictures:-)

I also feel judged if I don't follow the advice of well meaning friends or family...

My sister for instance....She is my best friend also..She recently moved out of town..

My sister's advice makes sense and is good, but she is wealthy...My sister wanted me to get a divorce from my WH a year ago..Needless to say, had I followed my sister's advice, I would still be the throes of a pending divorce, paying a lawyer periodically, paying a mortgage somewhere and some additional debts I'm sure.. I would not have had an option to take any time off from full time work to heal my health condition...For now I am living off of my pension/fixed small income..

I do dream of being in my own place and away from WH..That will happen..Both my sister and I are older and shouldn't make any rash moves that we don't have the time to recuperate from within the next couple of years..

There are so many things to consider in leaving or staying in a marriage (after betrayal and infidelity) that well meaning friends and family are simply unaware of...

Definitely I would not trust that your WH is being altruistic...

This is a time in our lives when we need to work with things in the black and white..We need to see actions from others, not listen to empty promises..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:44 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

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