But every once in a while, like maybe twice a month, I have these 'thought bursts'. We'll be doing something mundane, or even something fun, and I will glance at him and suddenly find myself thinking something like "Who is this man and HOW could he have EVER done what he did to me? Is he truly a changed man, or am I fooling myself? Could he be acting out behind my back now?" Nothing triggers this - it happens totally unexpectedly. It's like there's a part of my brain that surfaces from time to time that's telling me I am being a fool.
I think this stems from the fact that I had NO idea he was doing what he was doing when he was doing it - I didn't have a 'gut feeling' or anything. I was completely taken off guard, and I have questioned myself a lot because of that.
I am always able to talk myself down by telling myself that when he was acting out before, I had disconnected myself so completely from him that I didn't care, and that's why I had no clue. Since that isn't the case at all now, I WOULD have a clue.
Does anyone else experience this?
I was hoping this was a year two thing; guess not!
So it all comes down to having to accept the fact that it could happen again and that I will deal with it if it does. I have to live in the "now" though and not in the "what if" world. I want to be able to say I gave it my best effort. I want to especially be able to say that to my kids.
I've gone so far as to tell him my planned response if he should choose to cheat again: it would be over completely. No more "chances." I remain hopeful though.
My husbands EA started in August 2012 but I didn't find out about it until April 2013 so we are about 8 months into R and i feel the same way. It happens to me like twice a week though. I really struggle with the fact that I didn't see it coming either. I mean I had no clue! It was the very last thing I ever expected him to do. We were barely communicating and I had basically checked out emotionally at the time. We were more like roommates than husband and wife. Sometimes I wonder if I would had caught them together back then if I would have even cared. I wasn't sure I was even in love with him during that time. I think about all the times I handed him his phone and it was her and I had no clue. I made it so easy for him. I should have known that if he wasn't getting attention from me, he was getting it from someone else. As disconnected as we were, I still trusted him though. I feel so stupid.