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BedHead posted 12/5/2013 10:59 AM

Over 3 years into R and he's done pretty much every single thing he should have. We are stupidly happy almost all the time. We're one of the lucky couples that have been able to turn this horrible happening into a very positive thing and our marriage is much better than it was pre D day. I do not regret my decision to R at all.

But every once in a while, like maybe twice a month, I have these 'thought bursts'. We'll be doing something mundane, or even something fun, and I will glance at him and suddenly find myself thinking something like "Who is this man and HOW could he have EVER done what he did to me? Is he truly a changed man, or am I fooling myself? Could he be acting out behind my back now?" Nothing triggers this - it happens totally unexpectedly. It's like there's a part of my brain that surfaces from time to time that's telling me I am being a fool.

I think this stems from the fact that I had NO idea he was doing what he was doing when he was doing it - I didn't have a 'gut feeling' or anything. I was completely taken off guard, and I have questioned myself a lot because of that.

I am always able to talk myself down by telling myself that when he was acting out before, I had disconnected myself so completely from him that I didn't care, and that's why I had no clue. Since that isn't the case at all now, I WOULD have a clue.

Does anyone else experience this?

catlover50 posted 12/5/2013 14:15 PM

We are not as far out as you, but I do share the not having a clue before, and also the major turn around in the M. For me, although we are SO happy, and my H is open and connected as never before, I too get hit with the grenade once in a while. I truly don't think that he is even considering cheating, but periodically I just slam up against the fact that he cheated on me for years. It's like I remember a nightmare, or wake up from a good dream. It then takes me a while to regain my equilibrium. I reread emails I have saved just for times like these.

I was hoping this was a year two thing; guess not!

BedHead posted 12/5/2013 14:55 PM

My two year thing was triggers. I had to take some drastic steps to deal with the worst ones, but for the most part they're pretty much gone. These thought bombs started about 6 months ago. I am able to deal with them, but they are definitely disconcerting when they happen.

I think I can posted 12/5/2013 15:09 PM

Yes, this happens to me (still, annoyingly). I tell myself it will pass and it does.

Camille87 posted 12/5/2013 16:57 PM

Yep! It happens to me and sometimes I think about how absolutely stupid and ridiculous I am going to look if he cheats again. I think about how all the time I'm investing right now will be in vain and I could have used that time to get on with a new life.

So it all comes down to having to accept the fact that it could happen again and that I will deal with it if it does. I have to live in the "now" though and not in the "what if" world. I want to be able to say I gave it my best effort. I want to especially be able to say that to my kids.

I've gone so far as to tell him my planned response if he should choose to cheat again: it would be over completely. No more "chances." I remain hopeful though.

lostworld posted 12/5/2013 17:17 PM

Count me in too. It comes and goes, and I've learned to roll with it. It almost never spooks me anymore, but rather just flashes across my mind and I recognize it and move on. My mood, particularly when PMS is present, can make it much more difficult. At those times, it really helps me to realize that my emotional state is a little off and that my feelings are probably more raw than the situation actually calls for; then I know to give it a couple of days before I decide if it is something I need to "deal" with.

Scubachick posted 12/5/2013 17:25 PM

Bedhead,

My husbands EA started in August 2012 but I didn't find out about it until April 2013 so we are about 8 months into R and i feel the same way. It happens to me like twice a week though. I really struggle with the fact that I didn't see it coming either. I mean I had no clue! It was the very last thing I ever expected him to do. We were barely communicating and I had basically checked out emotionally at the time. We were more like roommates than husband and wife. Sometimes I wonder if I would had caught them together back then if I would have even cared. I wasn't sure I was even in love with him during that time. I think about all the times I handed him his phone and it was her and I had no clue. I made it so easy for him. I should have known that if he wasn't getting attention from me, he was getting it from someone else. As disconnected as we were, I still trusted him though. I feel so stupid.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 12/5/2013 19:01 PM

7 yrs out here and I totally understand what you are saying. I was also disconnected, no gut feeling, nothing. There is no reason for me to suspect anything going on now. Things are really going well.
But I question myself at times whether I would know now or has that trust returned to cloud my judgment. I think it is insecurity about myself rather than our relationship.

BedHead posted 12/6/2013 14:49 PM

Your replies all make so much sense! I am glad I am not alone with this too. I hope things keep getting easier to deal with as time goes on. I would love to say I hope there aren't any more surprises in store for me as far as the healing process, but I know that won't be the case.