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Should I tell OW's husband?

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Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 12:44 PM

The slag has told her husband "it was silly flirty texts" and he seems to believe her. At least ten times a day I think of telling him what was actually going on - and showing him the proof. I hesitate mainly because there are children involved and I've heard he has some health problems.

I'm still very upset and raw as DD was a week ago - will telling him help me?

She didn't consider any of this, should I? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Cabot posted 12/5/2013 12:59 PM

Help you probaly not.
I struggle with the same questions daily.
I guess you will have to decide and ask yourself if he knew 1st would you have wanted him to call you

Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 13:06 PM

Thanks for your comment Cabot. I think I would have wanted him to tell me but I know my reasons for telling him are because I want her to suffer and that can't happen without hurting him and innocent kids - another reason I hesitate. Can I ask if you would have wanted to know?

Sorry to hear you have the same awful struggle.......

BeyondBrokenInTN posted 12/5/2013 13:20 PM

Yes, you need to tell him. Not for revenge reasons or to make you feel better (or worse?) HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW!! Period. It's the right thing to do.

sailorgirl posted 12/5/2013 13:31 PM

OW is the one who hurt her innocent BH and kids. You will just be allowing him to know the truth about his wife.

Cabot posted 12/5/2013 13:34 PM

I would have wanted to know as soon as poss however, unless
I Had been shown physical evidence I don't know if I would have belived it.

Cabot posted 12/5/2013 13:37 PM

Also my top priorty right now are my kids and I have some fear of retaliation from the OM.

ascian posted 12/5/2013 13:39 PM

The OM in my wife's affair was one of my best friends. For the sake of the friendship I'd felt, I gave him a day to come clean to his wife. If he hadn't, or hadn't to my satisfaction, I had a bundle of evidence that I'd have made sure she received.

I hope that had things been the other way, had she become aware of the affair before I did, that she would have made sure I found out as well.

SeanFLA posted 12/5/2013 13:42 PM

From someone who waited ten months to tell the other BS I can tell you that it delayed my steps of grief and anger. I felt stuck because I couldn't figure out what to do. So much the battle inside of me gave me suicidal thoughts. Because for some f'ed up reason I felt it was my responsibility to protect everyone. It took huge bolt of anger to finally put me over the edge to call her. It was a huge stepping stone in my own relief and the reaction she gave me when I told her I called his wife (she gave me a blank stare) was confirmation that somehow I had to man up and move on, regardless of how much it hurt.

I think a lot of BS's go through this thinking it's better to hold it a secret from those involved. Many times I've read here (but not my case) that doing so changes the game and will knock the fog out of the A. It's a choice only you can make.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 13:50 PM

He has a right to know. You don't need this on your conscience.
Gather the proof, give it to him, and let him do what he will with it.

Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 13:51 PM

Thank you all for your comments - much appreciated as my head is exploding.

I think I'm doing what you did Sean, feeling responsible for protecting everyone else. I haven't told anyone - have booked to see a counsellor on Monday so hope that will help - but the thought of upsetting our extended family is too painful at this time

Cabot posted 12/5/2013 13:53 PM

Deffintly if you plan on tell make sure you go with evidence you will be asking him to belive you over the person he loves and trusts. Would you have belive if you just got a phone call from some man you didn't know saying you H had been cheating. I know I would have gone to my wife a talked to her she would have denied it and A prob would have gone further underground. So I think without proof you might just plant the seeds of doubt in his mind unless he already has some suspissions. A lot of people will say yes you have to tell him but for me right now as cold as it sounds I am trying to protect my family. Dont get me wrong I have the info if I find any evidence the the A Is still happening I will make those calls. A d not just to the spouse I will call bosses to make sure the check that stuff wasn't occuring on the company dime

bobf posted 12/5/2013 13:57 PM

I have been struggling with this myself, that is telling the BOW. My wife's OEA was such that there was a chance that the AP didn't know my wife's contact information and he seemed to be staying away after my wife sent him a NC email and she deleted her sexting accounts. Yesterday I found out that he did indeed know my wife's real name as he went to her LinkedIn account and viewed her profile AFTER he had received the NC email. It was clearly a feeler for her to contact him since his contact info was left for my wife to view.

Now I am so angry I am going to contact his wife. I have felt for a while that she has a right to know, but it has taken a fair amount of investigative effort on my part to track down a way to contact her (I have ALL of her husbands contact info, but his wife has been hard to identify). Also, there is a chance she is mentally ill assuming the AP was telling the truth to my wife (yes most likely he was lying) so it has worried me to contact her.

I am not worried any more. If she is mentally ill it might be because she is married to a cheating scumbag.

Secrets Kept posted 12/5/2013 14:01 PM

He deserves to know!!

I read your other post where you said he got on the phone saying he trusted his wife but became quiet after you read him some of the texts. So you have basically already informed him.
You can be sure that they have been discussing it already & due to your call, she may have confessed up or she has given him a BS story. Either way, give him some time to absorb it all & then I betcha you get a call from him to compare stories & to see your proof.

I would also want to know myself if the other BS found out before me. I would feel another type of betrayal if everyone else knew & left me in the dark.

NeverAgain2013 posted 12/5/2013 14:03 PM

While I respect that Cabot may have different circumstances than yours Lola, and has decided not to share with the betrayed spouse of his wife's affair partner, the simple truth is that the OW's husband has a right to know the truth.

Just like YOU had a right to know.

And secondly, I'm going to disagree again with Cabot when he says it won't help you to tell the OW's husband. It will actually help you A LOT because now you'll have HIS eyes watching her like a hawk while you're watching your husband like a hawk.

Two sets of eyes keeping these two honest is a hell of a lot better than ONE set of eyes.

So he could become your ally in making sure these two don't slip right back into their little affair.

Seriously. Tell him.

To not tell him is to keep their dirty little secret FOR them.

Lola88 posted 12/5/2013 14:08 PM

The evidence I have is a mobile phone and to date I have retrieved more than 180 texts - from flirty to pornographic. I expect there are many more too but haven't been able to go back to it for the last couple of days

I am concerned about her kids and her husbands health - more than she was going by the texts.

Lola7 posted 12/5/2013 15:19 PM

Hey another Lola! :)

I outted the affair to the OW's husband within two days. As soon as I did this, my STBXH went ballistic. He was done with me and left.

I don't regret it. He had no intention of breaking things off with her. I basically blew up his romance. I don't know what the status of those two are now, I assume they took it underground. Either way, I don't care. I had to tell her husband. It would have ate me alive.

Livia1776 posted 12/5/2013 15:32 PM

I agree with everyone else: tell him, he deserves to know. I know I wish someone had told me that my ex was cheating on me, otherwise, I would not have stayed with him as long as I did, and I would not have many of the emotional scars and trust issues I do today. He may end up being angry with you, but in the long run, it will be much better for him to know the truth.

Camille87 posted 12/5/2013 16:00 PM

I wish the OW's husband had told me. When we eventually did speak he said he knew 3 weeks before I did. I was upset that he didn't do me the courtesy of telling me.

You are not the one that made the choices that hurt the children and marriage. You are only the communicator of the information. Also you are not responsible for what choices the spouse makes regarding the marriage once given the info. Every BS has the right to decide what to do.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/5/2013 19:26 PM

Hi Lola,

I am so sorry you are here and find yourself in this devastating situation. SO sorry! Horrible, painful beyond belief.

I am writing to you because your question is also very close to my heart and i have a view which is not the norm on SI. I almost feel bad expressing my feelings and thoughts since I understand how many are passionately opposed to them, but at the same time I think it's important to speak one's thoughts, put other opinions out there and not just go with the herd.

I do not think the OBS always needs to know in any circumstance. Every situation is different and each person has to decide what is best in their own situation. There are many factors to consider, some of which you've mentioned, like innocent kids involved, ability of OBS to deal with devastation and if something really bad happened, how would you feel, sometimes your own safety or worry about other things. It's complex; people want to make it simple because it's easier, but it's not easy, at least i don't see it like that.

I also think that telling is opening up a Pandora's box, which can never be unopened. And that's a huge thing to do when we're so incredible raw, fragile, vulnerable, enraged, devastated and every other emotion under the sun just after Dday. Generally not the best time to make big decisions with huge consequences.

Also you said you want her to suffer. I know extremely well that feeling! I was in that place for a very long time and my feelings of wanting her to suffer were so intense I wrote my own horror movie scripts about the various almost unmentionable tortures i would inflict on her and even wished on her children so she would suffer! The rage!

Wanting someone else to suffer is not a good motivation. Wanting to help the OBS is a good motivation. You might not yet have enough information to decide if telling or not telling is the best option.

Lately I've been feeling more sorry for AP than fury at her for her incredibly delusional disrespect of another woman. I feel sorry for her because she's gotta be a mess to do something like this!!! In her case, i don't think she's evil; i think she's vulnerable, lost and hurting.

And with regard to focusing on telling OW's BS, you already have so much to deal in your own life, and likely the emotional toll this is taking on you is high, and if you're not eating or sleeping well, your energy is probably lower than normal. Better to use that energy to take care of YOU in the best way you can and put the issue of the OBS away for now, to come back to and ponder as you heal.

Another thought I had is that if the OBS already is alerted to flirty texts, then if he really wanted to know, maybe he would contact you? Maybe he's not ready to hear. I have no idea, just a thought.

Some say that focusing on AP and OBS is a way to shift your focus from your own WS and your own marriage, and it's totally normal, because our feelings toward our WS are muddled, love, hate, everything, whereas our feelings toward the AP are clear and full hatred. So it feels like if we rat her out, we will feel better. But we might not, and in the meantime, would it do any good, really any good to anyone? Only time and more information will tell. Others will fill you in on all the good reasons to tell, and there are many which come into play in different situations.

I just posted long long thoughts on this under another Just Found Out newbie under Betrayed by my Brother.

I believe very, very strongly this is not at all a black and white issue. The issues around it are not so simple, they are actually very complex. And it really is horrible to have the information, infuriating to carry a secret, and not know what is the right thing to do. So if you're not sure, wait. Focus on yourself and leave it be for now. Someday you will know what to do.

I still struggle with it whether it's better or not to tell, but I am personally very happy I didn't ask rashly when I was at the height of my agony. And every situation is different.

My very best to you as you start this journey through hell. I wish you strength, compassion for yourself, and patience, and trust that you will be okay, but it might take a bit of time to feel that. I'm definitely still working on it, but i am better.


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