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karmahappens posted 12/5/2013 13:52 PM

I remember after dday still having quite a bit of faith and trust in my husband's words.

I ignored the truth in front of me for the truth I chose to create.

My husband would never have an affair

My husband is honest

We have a marriage that is safe and better than most

I answered my nagging questions with "yeah buts"

The evidence in front of me didn't match the marriage I allowed myself to believe I had.

Sticking your head in the sand, denial, stupidity, call it what you will.

It is one of the biggest enemies in an attempt to R and an invitation for your spouse to continue to cheat or repeat if not addressed.

Can you face your truth? Do you have the nagging feeling but sweep it away? Do you ignore repeated, consistent opinions of others because they do not fit into the mold you have created for what your life really is

Eventually to get to R we have to face our lives honestly. Pull down the picket fence, look on the other side and start to accept what we see is the truth.

We cannot fix, heal or change what we do not acknowledge.

Personal healing and growth has been our focus since we decided to R.(I figure with the crap I had hidden in my closet and under my rugs I will forever be working on me. ) Facing our truth, going inside and saying the words you don't ever want to hear, viewing our life for what it really was.

It's hard, it hurts.

But when you start to take off the layers there is beauty underneath. There are great moments of triumph when we over-come a struggle, understand a FOO issue and move forward.

What are you holding onto that you won't face? Can you get the courage to face your truth and move forward towards a healthy, authentic life?

I bet you can and in the end, I guarantee you will be thankful you did.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:53 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

unfound posted 12/5/2013 14:28 PM

catlover50 posted 12/5/2013 14:33 PM

Nicely put, Karma. I do believe it's important for people to be honest with themselves above all; something I tried in vain for years to get my H to be.

I envy so many here who were shocked by their spouse's betrayal. I was kind of always waiting for it. I have had to address what that said about me. I realize that I always sensed he was not fully bonded and connected with me, or with anyone; more than just your garden variety selfish husband. Just today I was talking with my H about how I'm starting to forget how he used to be and becoming comfortable in this "new normal" of openness, intimacy, trust, giving and connection--we are such a great team and so happy and passionate together. However, when I think of the A and am now shocked (how could he), I realize that this man wouldn't have; he is truly not that man any longer.

Today when we were talking I said, "why did I put up that for so long?", and my H just said "I don't know" and shook his head. I'm talking about behaviors that were there all along, unrelated to A. That's my work.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

hopefullromantic posted 12/5/2013 15:21 PM

I think one of the most shocking truths we must come to realize is not only that our spouse is capable of cheating, but also how much we can delude ourselves into believing it is not so. I was not one who thought my H would never cheat but I did think I would know it if he did. And on some level I actually did know, but I somehow convinced myself it couldn't be true, nonetheless. It was an inconvenient truth too easy to deny because acknowledging it would require painful changes.

So now, when I see people in similar states of denial (personal/family dysfunction, drug abuse, or even politics...), I am now better able to feel compassion for them, at least for a while. It is natural to want to give someone we love/trust the benefit of doubt, but when our fantasy becomes our coping mechanism of choice then we are just as broken as those who deceive us.

You are right, karma, that there is beauty underneath it all. When we chose to see our spouse and ourselves for what we really are and manage to love in a truly unconditional way, it is beautiful and freeing. Perfect love does not remotely require perfect people but actually the opposite. When we can love ourselves enough to make healthy choices for ourselves then everything else will fall into place, whether with our spouse or not.

steadfast1973 posted 12/5/2013 17:13 PM

Yeah, I even made excuses for my wh, in my head. At one point even had it in my head that he was a victim... Maybe even hypnotized by porn... He's been very good at reminding me that HE did this. That he was stupid, and not thinking about consequences. He takes full responsibility, he wants NO excuses. I am dealing with having to convince myself that he was the bad guy. I am definitely having a hard time reconciling the man I love, with a man who would do that to me. Especially when he is being so... Much better. I mean, even better than pre A. This new found openness and honesty...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:16 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]