SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BrokenDaisy posted 12/5/2013 14:08 PM

This weekend I will see wxh. It's the first time in months. He is visiting our son. Per the divorce decree I have to be present (and want to. No way am I leaving this man alone with my son) he is only allowed supervised visits. (For very good reasons) He hasn't asked to visit until now. It will only be a few hours on Saturday and Sunday morning. In a public park and then I won't see him again for months most likely.

I am not looking forward to it. I know my situation is very unique so not sure if there are others who have gone through something like this?

I'll keep it strictly to my son. Limited conversation and will look after my son and not engage with wxh much other than being civil.

Not really a point to posting other than seeking support. It's been going better every day and my son and I am doing well in our new beginning. Just feel like this puts everything to a halt again... I prefer it when he ignores us. Just want this weekend gone already. So scared he's going to try something or catch me off guard again. I have everything planned as best as can with safety measures in place but you never know what he can come up with.

Ugh!

nowiknow23 posted 12/5/2013 14:12 PM

You've got it, honey. Sending you tons of support and strength. ((((Daisy))))

lieshurt posted 12/5/2013 14:13 PM

Sending you tons of support and strength

Me too.

Do you have somebody who could go with you?

Lostandpregnant posted 12/5/2013 14:45 PM

I feel so bad for you. That's awful. I can't imagine how anxiety inducing that would be :(
We are all here for you, if you have a smartphone, you can come on here and talk to us?

No12turn2 posted 12/5/2013 14:47 PM

Does the supervisor have to be you or can someone you trust go with you? I would say let your mother or friend monitor them up close and keep your distance but where you can still see.

Reality posted 12/5/2013 17:15 PM

(((Daisy!)))

Your situation probably has overlaps with mine. My WXH appears once or twice a year. When he shows up, it's always with agenda - he needs/wants something. I think its a safe statement that any parent who chooses to not have an active relationship with their children doesn't make choices based on how it may affect the kids.

As always, he ignores the kids and focuses on me. He's not pleasant, as you can read in my profile, so it's a mixed blessing that the kids aren't endangered, but it is nerve wracking for me.

You were spot on with what you said about not allowing him to be "familiar" with you. Don't make polite conversation. Don't feed him. I have found a way to preemptively cage his impulses is having as many people around as possible. A public park is a good start, but witnesses you trust is even better. Is there a someone who can go with you and stand sentinel?

NewMom0220 posted 12/5/2013 18:00 PM

BrokenDaisy,

You can do it. I have similar fears and anxiety about any visitation with DS. I haven't seen my STBX in months and I know I can't avoid it forever. It feels a lot like this

But you can do it! Run it like a business. I know what you mean about feeling better when he ignores you. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, I agree.

(((Broken daisy)))

BrokenDaisy posted 12/6/2013 11:14 AM

Thank you so much for the support.

I moved to a new city 14 hours away from where I used to be so no I don't know many (any) people here yet. Except my brother is here and he wanted to go with but I declined. I know that sounds idiotic but I just don't want to burden him with this all and also It will be more complicated with more people and more feelings I think. When my brother is around I dont think I'll be able to stay stone faced because I would just want to hide in his arms or get upset if he gets upset. Don't know if that makes sense?!? Wxh is also the type that will be more trouble the more people there are. 19 months of in house separation made me good at the stone faced approach so I'll just have to stand strong for my son. It's only a few hours.

I can appoint someone else to supervise but at this stage I dont trust anyone but myself to be vigilant enough with wxh. Also my son is stil very young and I am his one constant so I feel it's cruel for me not to be there as a safety net when I know he's going to have a hard time with this.

I just hate hate hate that I have to expose my son to a pedophile. (only found out about that part of wxh recently and I'm still reeling over it. This will be the first time I see him since I found out about that so yes it is hard and that is why I am venting here but i also know I can do this because I just have to)

I can handle wxh. I wont let him see me struggle. I'll cry afterwards and rant and rave but he won't see me struggle. I'll go to my brother afterwards.

Again thank you everyone

Lostandpregnant posted 12/6/2013 11:21 AM

Whoa..pediphile? Did I miss that somewhere? My god, I'm so sorry.

dreamlife posted 12/6/2013 11:30 AM

I thought pedophiles were not supposed to be allowed near children at all!

BrokenDaisy posted 12/6/2013 12:10 PM

Sorry i think I said it in previous threads, not this one. Still processing it myself. His psychologist broke patient confidentiality (legally) to inform me that he has pedophile tendencies. So far no proof that he's acted on it. Just that he has it in him. I can't do anything about it. Nothing. Basically he has to hurt a child first before you can do something and apparently even then it is difficult to get prosecuted. Luckily I have supervised visitation but still it's very difficult to expose my son to him knowing what I know. He is not aware that I know. It was quite a huge set back for me when I found out because I thought I couldn't be shocked anymore. It's very complicated, (like all our stories) and so hard! But I am taking one day at a time and doing all I can do and have to let go of the rest. I can't however entrust my son's safety with someone else. I have to be with him. I feel enough guilt for choosing the father for him that i did and for staying with the fucknut after dday. It is also why I don't want to expose any family and friends unnecessarily.

The good thing is my son has no signs of having ever been abused. It's still very hard. I grew up with this monster and I was blind to it all. It's a hard one to forgive in yourself and every time I have to see him it reminds me of my mistakes and how I failed my son but I won't let it set me back and wont make the mistake of trusting or believing him ever again.

Sorry I'm all over the place. A bit emotional. I'll be fine. Just allowing myself to work through the feelings today so that I'm strong tomorrow.

nowiknow23 posted 12/6/2013 12:13 PM

((((((Daisy))))))

BrokenDaisy posted 12/6/2013 12:19 PM

And yes dreamlife one would think that but both lawyers and social workers made it clear to me that I won't get more than I already had and that I am better off going through with the agreement as I had it at that stage (supervised visitation and full legal rights for myself) it would've just worked up wxh and an ugly battle would've ensued with no guarantees. It's very hard to deny a parent complete contact but I at least have all the legal right and son will never be with him unsupervised. I don't know how much the laws differ here from the United States?!?

P.s I really had no clue. None. I would've never attempted R or obviously even marry him if I knew. We were childhood friends and I missed all the red flags. Every single one. I have protected my son as much as I could. I really didn't know. It's still hard for me to tell people about it because I do feel it reflects on me somehow for having once loved him (and very few believe he cheated so I doubt they'll believe this. He is great at making people love him...) but I am working on my guilt and self blame with my IC because logically I know it isn't my fault but it is a very hard pill to swallow. Very.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 12:26 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

BrokenDaisy posted 12/7/2013 11:45 AM

It sucked. As expected. I'm super emotional but I'll be fine.

I hate this. I hate that I chose such a disastrous fucknut as my son's father. I feel like such a failure as a mom.

I'll be okay. Having a pity party for one for tonight.

movingforward777 posted 12/7/2013 12:08 PM

((Broken Daisy)) You made it through...don't let him have another minute of your thoughts today....
You are a good "mama bear" who protected her "little bear" and didn't let anyone, especially his father, hurt him...be proud!
As you said he will probably disappear for ages again and you will not have to go through this....I hope so for your sake and your son's sake.....
Hang in there....you are a strong woman who can do this....HUGS

BrokenDaisy posted 12/7/2013 12:19 PM

Thank you movingforward. Still have tomorrow's visit to survive too. After that yes I'm sure he'll disappear for a long time again. Although I'm scared he's getting enough ego kibbles that he'll want to come again sooner

But yes I need to not give him the power of my thoughts. Thank you movingforward i really need the support and positive words now so thank you

movingforward777 posted 12/7/2013 21:29 PM

You are welcome.....tommorrow take a good book and stick your nose into it and ignore him....don't let him intimidate you, or upset you...
Use the old "when speaking to a room full of people imagine them naked" mind set to give you a private joke chuckle every time you do have to look at him...he won't know what's up and it will help you get through....
I hope and pray that he does a disappearing act again and leaves you in peace to go back to life with your kids.....hang in there....HUGS