"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Artemisia posted 12/5/2013 14:55 PM

Hi, I know you people in the DS forum have been here in one way or another, so please help if you can. Short story, my fiancé left in June, for a million reasons, according to him, the OW being just one of them. They didn't last long.

We got back in touch about 6 weeks ago, talked about getting back together, slept together, stupidly. Have been talking off and on all this time.

Last night he tells me he's getting serious with a new person he's dating. I didn't know there was one. He needs to cut me out.

I'm in a lot of pain. I know this is ridiculous and that I've put up with too much, but I'm having such a hard time letting go, detaching, finding anger. I'm just so heartbroken that again, he's choosing someone else over me. I keep torturing myself. With the thought that now, he'll finally begin a healthy relationship. Honestly?? I keep thinking that it's me, messed-up, crazy me, while he's just trying to get out and get healthy. Even my own behavior during our split and the last few weeks is convincing me that i am the broken, unhealthy one. does that make sense? Do any of you further along have words of comfort, anger, or wisdom? Thanks as always.

ButterflyGirl posted 12/5/2013 15:11 PM

I don't see how "healthy" his relationship could be if he's still sleeping with you and manipulating the hell out of you to cake eat. My guess is this isn't a "new" woman. I would bet she's another OW you didn't know about..

Seriously girl. Fuck that guy!! It's not messed up you, it's messed up HIM!! How he treats you is NOT what should determine how you feel about yourself. He's purposefully trying to make you feel crazy. What a cruel POS..

I would say to NEVER be his backup plan again. He's a piece of shit, and you need to stop letting him manipulate and hurt you. Sounds like he's just messing around with you when he doesn't have a different toy to play with. FTG!!!!

Holly-Isis posted 12/5/2013 15:43 PM

Maybe you are broken in some ways. Only you can really determine the truth of that. I'd suggest starting by choosing you. He's a user, a liar and a cheat. Not someone you want to choose you, KWIM?

Be glad he showed you who he is before you were M or had kids, it doesn't look like he plans of giving up his cheating ways anytime soon.

Take care of yourself. I know this has to be so painful, like rejection mixed with d-day all over again.

nowiknow23 posted 12/5/2013 15:46 PM

((((Artemisia)))) He lied, used, and misled you, honey. On what planet is that "trying to get out and get healthy???"

Lola7 posted 12/5/2013 16:40 PM

I actually feel sorry for the new one, because she has no idea what this guy is capable of. Consider yourself lucky to be free of him before you married his rotten ass.

Snapdragon posted 12/5/2013 17:41 PM

Oh, dear... I'm so sorry for how sad you are feeling right now!

But let's think about this. He's consorting with you WHILE he is "getting serious" about this other person? WTF? I'd venture to guess that this new girlfriend had no idea he was seeing you. I'd venture to guess that she thought he was being faithful to her as their relationship developed.

He's shown you, again, that HE is the broken one. Oh, sure, you have some dings and dents. We all do in the aftermath of infidelity. But what kind of sick fuck plays the games he is playing - with BOTH of you women? Was he getting some kind of ego boost out of it?

NC. NC. NC.

libertyrocks posted 12/5/2013 17:57 PM

Yikes, sweetie. That's the #1 rule with an NPD. No sleeping with the enemy. Girls get crazy attachment hormones when they sleep with the very guy that hurts them. I know, I did it for a year in false R with an NPD, my STXH.

I'm so sorry. Remove yourself from him. You are worth far more. ANd, I'm sure he's a smooth talker. This is not normal behavior.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 5:58 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Pass posted 12/5/2013 21:15 PM

Art, honey. He's an arsehole and he doesn't deserve you. This has nothing to do with you - it's all about how fucked up he is.

As someone on here told me when I was leaving The Princess: "It's like slamming your hand in a car door. Hurt, didn't it? Remember that feeling and keep your hands clear."

You can and will rise above this.

WastedTime12 posted 12/5/2013 22:27 PM

((Art))
Actually, I was just there. Been divorced a year now. Early August, the ex asks me for the name of "that" book, How to help your spouse heal. He does not live near us anymore. I give him the name of the book and I seriously wonder if he is really sober and wanting to help me. Haha, that was funny. He was still lying and I found out early September that he has had a girlfriend since minimum of August 1st.
Now I may be messed up for thinking he may quit lying but he is really messed up for continuing to do the same thing just with a different person.
Luckily, I am far enough out to know and believe that his choices and decisions have not a damn thing to do with anyone or anything other than himself.
Me, I am learning and growing. Him, time will tell.
I do not even think about the new girlfriend. She is not my problem and he no longer is someone I have to worry about.
Life is getting better all the time!

Artemisia posted 12/6/2013 09:52 AM

Thank you all for your replies. Most people IRL are saying the same thing, nowadays. I need to keep hearing it and reading it. Taking the time to respond means a lot to me.

He's a user, a liar and a cheat

I am having an incredibly, incredibly hard time coming around to this understanding, despite all the recent glaring evidence. I am frustrating even myself. Until he left, it was not something in a million years I would have believed about him, and I'm very, very slow to get there. I remember feeling so lucky to have found such a "good guy," and many others told me the same thing about him and our relationship: such a great person, such a compatible match, two people so in alignment, etc. Letting go of this - whatever it was - illusion? Ending? Change? Has been nearly impossible for me.

My story aside though, I'm curious about some of your experiences with this, like WastedTime12 mentioned.

There was almost some strange comfort when he was with the OW, because I knew how dysfunctional it was. How did you all feel when they got the next partner (and the next and the next)?

Ugh - even writing this, I know what you're going to say, and that it's true. It doesn't matter. Him and his girlfriends and his life and his WHATEVER are not my concern. Still, all of these things I'm trying to grasp with my rational mind are so hard to grasp with my emotional mind.

Spelljean posted 12/6/2013 11:36 AM

Was it much harder do you think, because you slept together?

I would find that much more difficult to deal with. When I was still sleeping with WH it was like I felt I absolutely couldn't let go of anything. Now, I see him sometimes and its much easier to deal with, even if he's acting nice. He still tries to get affectionate to see if I give him a similar signal, but I ignore it.

But I fell into that trap before, thinkjing he wanted to get back together because he was attempting to sleep with me, but he was actually cake eating. Using me. In his mind, not in a horrible or cruel way, but he knew he wasn't ready to commit to R, so why not have sex? They don't always think that sex is a dangerous thing, they are comfortable with you, still have strong feelings for you and don't see the harm in sleeping with you. But they are already in a different place in their mind, then you are. Different motive. Yours is to reconnect but theirs is to have sex, feel good, keep you hanging on to be a back up, etc...

I didn't believe the man I was with almost 20 years would consider using me...but he did.

nowiknow23 posted 12/6/2013 11:47 AM

How did you all feel when they got the next partner (and the next and the next)?

Wasband is engaged to a woman who was not an OW. I have vascilated between feeling sorry for her and rolling my eyes at her apparent naivete. Feelings about him? Approaching indifference. The one lurch I felt when I found about about the engagement was entirely as a mom concerned about her kids getting a stepmom.

Bottom line - he is effed up, whether he's with the OW or with someone else. And key to that effedupedness is the fact that he seems to be spending ZERO time alone, in counseling, or in any way other than looking for the next "port" where he could dock. If he keeps moving, he doesn't have to be alone with himself, KWIM?

Hugs honey. It does get easier. I promise you that.