I'm not sure how I should be reacting. I want her to have fun and enjoy herself, I know at the same time I will be weary and uneasy the entire night until she comes home. She's given me the details of the event and then asked for my permission to go. I immediately told her, just the sound of you asking to go out without me makes me uneasy, and she understands, but ultimately I said you need to make the decision and understand that depending on your decision will weigh heavily on how I am feeling during the night.
I know at some point this was going to happen, where she would want to hang out with a friend and have a girl night just as I like to have my guys night. I appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.
I immediately told her, just the sound of you asking to go out without me makes me uneasy, and she understands, but ultimately I said you need to make the decision and understand that depending on your decision will weigh heavily on how I am feeling during the night
This sounds like a roundabout way of saying that you don't want her to go.
I get your need for her to make the decision so you will feel like she's taking your feelings into consideration and putting you first. But remember, she's not a mind reader. If you think that you'll have a crappy night if she goes, then tell her that while it's her decision, you'd prefer that she stay home. Her decision will speak volumes.
If you're okay with her going (although have trepidations), make some ground rules, like no drinking, text pictures with time stamps every X minutes/hours etc.. so you'll be reassured.
Personally, at three weeks out, I didn't want my H to go out and have fun. period. Fair? no, but it was just the way it was at the time. There did come a time when that faded, but it sure took a lot longer than 3 weeks. *my personal experience.
This group had a ticket become available and she was invited to go. She wants to go and wants to be sure you're ok with that, correct?
I agree that it would make me uneasy to be asked permission to go. It kinds of puts you in that position of denying her something she wants to do. Who needs that?
If you're truly ok with it then tell her that but I think you're on the right track. The decision is hers but that's not to say it won't affect you.
My FWH really didn't go anywhere or do anything for a long time after dday. I didn't tie him up and keep him home, but I did tell him it really wasn't cool. Of course...I don't think he really asked...
It did take my WW a few weeks to get it also. I also did not want her to go but did not want to play the bad guy for saying no. Realizing now how unfair it was for her to put me in that position. Good luck. In my case the concert was an out of town with a over night with girl friends only - so a major issue. But the concert was sold out so issue resolved before she cod even decide.
First of all, imo, "fun" should be the last thing on her mind right now. It's hard for me to imagine such a thing so soon after such a trauma.
And honestly I think it shows a big lack of empathy for you.
She shouldn't have asked your permission, she should have asked how it would make you feel and then scrapped her plans when she saw your unease. Or better yet, just not even considered it knowing that it would probably bother you.
But since she DID ask, I would tell her that you would rather she didn't go.
Sometimes in the beginning we are so happy for R that we do not see that they are still a little foggy. I'm not saying still with the AP foggy but just the NOT GETTING IT foggy.
I would feel as if my WH truly did not get how devestated I was.
My feelings would be hurt hat JUST THREE WEEKS after having my soul torn apart, he would be asking for a "fun" night out.
My WH hasn't left the house without me in 4 Months- Except for work and grocery (super funny stories there I can tell you- other post, sorry).
When he wanted fun, he invited me. We did things together.
I am still shaky when he is not here- even if he is at work.
But this is all me- my point I guess is that I would feel as if my spouse was trying to move on and get back to normal a little too quickly while I lie broken and bleeding an shattered in the floor.
You Should not be asked to make this decision.
And in my mind- she never should have accepted the offer. Her main concern should be spending as much time as possible helping you heal and showing you that you are her number one priority.
This is a super long and super not fun process.
I am not feeling that she understands that just yet.
I wish you strength and peace- and please know that my opinion is just that- my opinion, based on my own experiences.
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017
I wish I had words to make you feel better.
One thing I have learned in all of this- roll with it. Feel the feelz even if they hurt.
You should be thinking of your healing right now.
Good news is- I thought several times that my H and I were right on track and then WHAM! That roller coaster would hit again. Here's the good news part--- it does get better. But only when we were both honest about what was going I and not trying to rush past things.
We both tried that in the beginning and we always got yanked right back to the issues we had tried to rug sweep and rush past.
There is no rushing. Only a lot of hard work. For BOTH of you.
((((Just married)))) cuz it felt like you needed another hug.
It gets better. Not anytime soon. But it does get better.
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 6:10 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
IMO you both might consider giving up these events.
I think you handled it well. You did not say NO. But you did point out that her decision would have an effect on you. Then put the decision in her court.
The problem with things like this is resentment. My WW strongly resented me feeling uneasy when she went out after Dday. This lead to a whole other batch of problems.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Your Spouse did ask how you felt. That's positive. Probably should have asked you first before agreeing to go. I think it was good that you were honest about your feelings but I would also request from her what you would need from her to feel better. If she should decide to go, even though you are uneasy with this, you could request she face time you from the concert or call you at various intervals. I also agree with other posters about expectations around drinking and how late ect. be decided on mutually in the name of "if you go these requests I would make me feel a bit more reassured".
DS 16, DDs 18 & 30
Learning to be resilient
Come night of the bachelorette party, my wife declined to go. Said she felt her place was with me so I didn't have to worry or have an anxiety filled night until I picked her up. This friend no longer speaks to my wife as a result. My wife is sad about this but, said she would make the same decision again.
I would say it depends on how you feel you are moving along. It is only 3 weeks out, most on this site say 3 weeks is way to early to even say you are starting to R. Not saying you can't improve things, but, it is too early.
Good luck, there are no easy answers in the early stages.
[This message edited by Smokehouse at 8:28 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
The image of her out getting her fun while you are sitting at home in pain that she caused is pretty unattractive. Has she tried to look at this (or anything) from anyone else's view but her own gratification?
Update, she just called me from her break telling me she was going to go with her friend. Needless to say the conversation blew up and we revisited the event and everything. I really wish she truly understood how crushed my world is. On a daily basis, there is always one point in the day where the infidelity comes up and I can't stop thinking about it. The conversation ended with me on the brink of tears and now I can't stop thinking about it. I tried to explain to her that I was appalled she would say yes after our previous conversation about it. I told yes, I put the ball in her court, hoping she would have made the right decision for my sake and our relationship's sake. I feel like I'm back in the hole again and can't find anything to grab to pull back out.
In addition, the conversation became really frustrating for me because she said we've been over everything before, she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and was shutting herself down.
[This message edited by JustMarried10513 at 8:56 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
Topic: Things that every WS needs to know
The whole idea of asking for permission rubs me the wrong way too - like they think the answer to doing whatever they want, betraying their spouses in the process, is becoming an obedient child.
I don't want a spouse-child. My WH asks for my permission for everything and it drives me nuts. I always tell him, "do whatever you want." Or even, "why are you asking me for permission?" i never get an answer. Not a helpful response from me but i don't have time to repeat the same convos with him day after day. It's just another way for him not think things through and that pisses me off. Trust is knowing he will do the right thing without having to ask.
To me your WW is asking a lot. Also clear she is ready to move on from where you sit. Crappy situation. All you can do is tell her how you feel and I hope she wakes up.