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Dyinghere posted 12/5/2013 17:20 PM

Is there such a thing as asking too many questions or wanting to know too many details about the A?

cricketinturmoil posted 12/5/2013 17:29 PM

I don't think you could ever ask too many questions. I haven't confronted my WH yet but I know that I won't be satisfied until all my questions have been answered.

Cabot posted 12/5/2013 17:30 PM

You find out as much as you want to know if you are trying to R complete truth must happen if they won't answer the they are not will to give you complete truth. But make sure you are ready for the answers to the questions you ask.

steadfast1973 posted 12/5/2013 17:30 PM

Nope... But be prepared to not get answers to all of them. My WH has been the model of remorse and openness, but really can't remember a lot of details. He wasn't thinking clearly, so his memories are just as unclear as thinking.

But also prepare to hear things that you probably don't want to hear. And truthfully, it's those details... That usually mean they are being truthful.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:32 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Dyinghere posted 12/5/2013 20:34 PM

But, what I mean is, are there some things that to know the answer would only hurt me to hear and him to answer, and that serve no purpose towards healing?

Do I really need all of the details? Do you?

whichwaysup posted 12/5/2013 20:47 PM

I think that's up to you to decide. Once I knew what was happening, I needed to know every detail. Including where they did it and even how. I wanted to know how he got aroused & if that included BJs (of course my WH was paying whores so those may not have been the same questions I would've asked if it was a long term EA). Anyway for me it was the sneaking & lying that hurt the most, so the more I knew the stronger I felt.
Listen to your gut. Sometimes I would ask a few questions & if it hurt too bad I'd stop. Then when I was ready I'd ask another.
Good Luck!!!

sodamnlost posted 12/5/2013 21:03 PM

It depends on you honestly. If you are at all unsure - I would say write them out, if they still bug you in a few days - ask. If your not sure you want the answers now but are worried about "memory loss" - write them, have WS write them back and put the answers somewhere safe for IF you decide you want them.

Sadly I am in the group of had to know EVERYTHING. If I didn't - I was making stuff up and that was usually worse. Some things, I wish I didn't know honestly. But with my personality there was no healthy way around it. At 14 months out, I still get new questions. Most detail type questions don't get asked - I know enough. If I get a question on what he was thinking or feeling - I tend to have to ask those.

myowndystopia posted 12/5/2013 21:51 PM

I want answers. But- so far my WH won't admit or deny anything. He will say it's inappropriate for us to talk about or he is not ready to talk about it or why would I want tondo that to myself..... But to me without the knowledge it's worse. I'm not sure I need the nitty-gritty but LTA? ONS? How many? Is it someone I know? How long? So I Don't know- and hence dreams of my cheating bastard husband with neighbors, prostitues, OW he met on dating sites..... It's endless because I have no answers! I'm not saying one kind of infidelity is better than another but for me the not knowing is difficult.

I think it may be different for everyone in terms of what they need to know to move forward

AlexFL posted 12/5/2013 21:59 PM

I wanted every detail and didn't get them so I had to track down the ONS and confront them (not in an angry way bc they didn't even know he wasn't single). But honestly I am still amazed on how I found this person. I honestly begged GOD to help and I swear to you, in seconds it had landed right under my nose.

I did get answers from the ONS but what I didn't realize that infidelity infests your entire relationship and you have multiple Ah-Ha moments when you are sure that you missed the clues as they happened. And then you are 100% sure that this cheating has happened on other occasions. So it makes you want to know more and more and more until one day your so exhausted that you're like, "I do mot even care to hear any more"

At least that's what's happening with me.

Dyinghere posted 12/5/2013 22:10 PM

I would actually give anything to read the deleted emails, but I can't retrieve them.

MammaMia posted 12/5/2013 22:14 PM

It's up to the individual to decide how many details are necessary. My advice to you - regardless of what questions you ask- is to ask in such a way that he cannot answer with a "yes " or "no." That is way too easy for the WS.

For example: do not ask: did you sleep with her?
Instead, ask: how many times did you sleep with her?

Example: was it just one place you slept with her regularly, or did you have other spots you went to? ( even if you have no clue what is going on, make him think you do.It's key to getting answers closest to the truth.)

When I sat down my H to ask questions, I told him that he did not know how much I know, how I know, and what I know, so he better tell me the truth. In reality, other than the emails, I had no clue.

I also told him that I will not accept answers as " I don't know," " I don't remember," or " I forgot." He still tried but I told him to cut the crap and tell me because he does remember and he does know. It did go much better after that.

heforgotme posted 12/5/2013 22:52 PM

are there some things that to know the answer would only hurt me to hear and him to answer, and that serve no purpose towards healing?

I think this is vastly different from person to person, but the advice our MC gave me was to remember that once I know something I can't UNKNOW it. Now I've got it forever.

So, you kind of have to figure out what the lesser of the evils is. Would it be harder to know something icky/horrible or harder to wonder about it.

I didn't ask hardly anything about the sex. I asked about one particular thing bc I was having nightmares about it and I figured if I just knew once and for all it would make them go away. It did, but now I have daymares about it. Which to me is worse and I wish I hadn't asked.

Just be careful and think about what you NEED to know.

Dare2Trust posted 12/5/2013 23:26 PM

Is there such a thing as asking too many questions or wanting to know too many details about the A?

Short Answer: NO!

Dare2Trust posted 12/5/2013 23:26 PM

Is there such a thing as asking too many questions or wanting to know too many details about the A?

Short Answer: NO!

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