Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Nexttome (45693)

User Topic: Want to understand what WS is enduring
Camille87
♀ 41252
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 13 months into R. All I can focus on is the pain I'm in. I know WH is in pain too but I'm so angry and hurt it seems I can only deal with my own pain right now. However, there are times I wish WH had the communication skills to tell me what it's like to be in his shoes. Sometimes I think it would help me recover and have a greater level of sympathy. (He's an introvert and also like most males, not good at communication when it comes to discussing feelings.)

Can someone please help me understand in detail (go on forever please!) better what the WS feels and is dealing with?

WH is truly remorseful and making great efforts to fix what is fixable.


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want some good insight read some of the stories/threads in the wayward section.

There are some strong men and women in there. Hurting themselves, but looking within to heal.

Quite eye-opening, IMO.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with karma.
Whenever I felt unsure of what he might be going through- and sometimes to help me understand some of his responses- I would read there.
Every WS is different, but you get a pretty clear view of what they go through. It helped me approach him with topics or let him be for a minute.
There are also some things in the healing library - articles- I think, that helped me understand a little more.

I wish you peace.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Camille87
♀ 41252
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I browse the WS forum often and have been to the Healing Library but didn't really see anything that truly grabbed me. Some stuff was helpful but I guess I'm looking for more?


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Camille, I reposted a thread in WS I wrote several months ago. Maybe it will help a little?

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=515605

ETA: And if you have a specific question, I would be happy to try to help. There's also a thread down in ICR where BS can ask WS questions.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 6:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6412 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and also like most males, not good at communication when it comes to discussing feelings.

Camille,
Please don't generalize. It is against the guidelines of the site.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38611 | Registered: Sep 2007
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are feeling so much hurt and pain. I hope that you do find some answers to help you.
Im wondering if what you need is not to read the right article, but hear the words from him. Perhaps nothing seems to grab you is because you are only hearing about what he MAY be feeling , when what you need is to hear what he IS feeling. And he is the only one that can tell you that.

I wish you peace and strength right now.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there are times I wish WH had the communication skills to tell me what it's like to be in his shoes.

I would strongly suggest you guys look into Retrovaille. They are all about communication. And he's going to need that to move forward in your marriage.

FWH was terrible at communication. As well as dealing with his emotions. Retro gave him the skills to do both of these things. I can't say enough good things about it. The only thing I didn't like is that they encourage you not to focus on the past, which is hard (if not impossible) if you are anywhere near DDay. But I think that at over a year out, the time is right. (Our DDays are almost identical and we went 6 weeks ago).

Good luck. Do not settle for this idea that he is just not a good communicator. Insist that he become one. It is possible.

I felt the first joy that I've felt since DDay at Retrovaille. And it was because he was telling me his feelings.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Camille87
♀ 41252
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all!

Aubrie I appreciated your reposting so much!

Heforgotme I've heard of Retrovaille but we're not Catholic and so I didn't think it would be something that would help us.


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
sodamnlost
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The information gained at Retrovaille isn't all catholic based at all. It surely flavors it but the basic skills learned are awesome! We went and while WH was too foggy for it to REALLY do what we needed - he did learn some skills that he is trying to use now that his fog is FINALLY lifting.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard of Retrovaille but we're not Catholic and so I didn't think it would be something that would help us.

Religious affiliation does not matter. I am Methodist. FWH is a non-practicing Catholic. It did not matter. Religion is not the point and they do not make it the point. Mass is offered, as is confession, but it is totally optional. You are never made to feel that you need to be "Catholic".

Please, please, please, consider this option. I promise you that it saved us.

Just give it a try. What have you got to lose???


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
bobf
♂ 41412
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so sorry for my WS sometimes. She knows how much damage she has done to our marriage with her actions and it is killing her.

She is doing everything right; she is remorseful, apologetic, completely open and has maintained NC and I do not worry about her cheating ever again.

Now I worry about how both her and I can recover from this. We both have triggers that set us off emotionally. I see her catch herself starting to tell me something then stopping to reconsider because, as I find out later, it was something she knows I read in her online sexting chat records. She gets upset about it and I get upset about it. Or we are watching a TV show together and the word MILF pops up on the screen and I get upset since one of her online lovers asked her if she was a MILF and it reminds me of her sexting. It goes on and on.

It is very hard on her. The only things that will help are IC (we are both in IC) and time. I thank god (well not literally) every day now that we remain together and get through it to another day.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in MC, Camille? That's another approach that helps build communication skills.

Also, your H can learn to communicate but probably won't unless you demand it. MC will help you communicate your demand, if you choose to make it, as well as help you both to improve communications.

Finally, Have you looked into the 5 Love Language stuff (5lovelanguages.com) - that could be a giant help, too, along with a good MC and/or Retrouvaille.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
vistainc
♀ 37688
Member # 37688
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Camille, my DDay was 3 days after yours and I am feeling exactly the same as you are. I just kept thinking that after a year I would be feeling so differently than I am now and feel like I am doing something wrong and that is why I am "stuck".

After reading your post, I realize that I really need to see things from his point of view as well. What is he feeling? What does he think about? What does it do to him when he sees me upset or crying?

I truly believe getting some answers to those questions would be very helpful in my healing. Also, I still wish he could start a conversation about the A when he sees that I am clearly upset. Just never happens and when I bring it up he changes the subject.

We just talked about this at MC and he now says he realizes what he is doing and he will stop and answer me or discuss it instead of changing the subject, but who knows. I have been so busy at school and work I don't even remember when we had any time together.

Hope things work out for you. It is a terrible time of year for many of us. (((((hugs)))))


Me BS 48
WH 53
4 Sons 26, 25, 23,18
D-Day 11/20/12

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.