Can someone please help me understand in detail (go on forever please!) better what the WS feels and is dealing with?
WH is truly remorseful and making great efforts to fix what is fixable.
There are some strong men and women in there. Hurting themselves, but looking within to heal.
Quite eye-opening, IMO.
I wish you peace.
ETA: And if you have a specific question, I would be happy to try to help. There's also a thread down in ICR where BS can ask WS questions.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 6:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
and also like most males, not good at communication when it comes to discussing feelings.
Please don't generalize. It is against the guidelines of the site.
I wish you peace and strength right now.
there are times I wish WH had the communication skills to tell me what it's like to be in his shoes.
I would strongly suggest you guys look into Retrovaille. They are all about communication. And he's going to need that to move forward in your marriage.
FWH was terrible at communication. As well as dealing with his emotions. Retro gave him the skills to do both of these things. I can't say enough good things about it. The only thing I didn't like is that they encourage you not to focus on the past, which is hard (if not impossible) if you are anywhere near DDay. But I think that at over a year out, the time is right. (Our DDays are almost identical and we went 6 weeks ago).
Good luck. Do not settle for this idea that he is just not a good communicator. Insist that he become one. It is possible.
I felt the first joy that I've felt since DDay at Retrovaille. And it was because he was telling me his feelings.
Aubrie I appreciated your reposting so much!
Heforgotme I've heard of Retrovaille but we're not Catholic and so I didn't think it would be something that would help us.
I've heard of Retrovaille but we're not Catholic and so I didn't think it would be something that would help us.
Religious affiliation does not matter. I am Methodist. FWH is a non-practicing Catholic. It did not matter. Religion is not the point and they do not make it the point. Mass is offered, as is confession, but it is totally optional. You are never made to feel that you need to be "Catholic".
Please, please, please, consider this option. I promise you that it saved us.
Just give it a try. What have you got to lose???
She is doing everything right; she is remorseful, apologetic, completely open and has maintained NC and I do not worry about her cheating ever again.
Now I worry about how both her and I can recover from this. We both have triggers that set us off emotionally. I see her catch herself starting to tell me something then stopping to reconsider because, as I find out later, it was something she knows I read in her online sexting chat records. She gets upset about it and I get upset about it. Or we are watching a TV show together and the word MILF pops up on the screen and I get upset since one of her online lovers asked her if she was a MILF and it reminds me of her sexting. It goes on and on.
It is very hard on her. The only things that will help are IC (we are both in IC) and time. I thank god (well not literally) every day now that we remain together and get through it to another day.
Also, your H can learn to communicate but probably won't unless you demand it. MC will help you communicate your demand, if you choose to make it, as well as help you both to improve communications.
Finally, Have you looked into the 5 Love Language stuff (5lovelanguages.com) - that could be a giant help, too, along with a good MC and/or Retrouvaille.
After reading your post, I realize that I really need to see things from his point of view as well. What is he feeling? What does he think about? What does it do to him when he sees me upset or crying?
I truly believe getting some answers to those questions would be very helpful in my healing. Also, I still wish he could start a conversation about the A when he sees that I am clearly upset. Just never happens and when I bring it up he changes the subject.
We just talked about this at MC and he now says he realizes what he is doing and he will stop and answer me or discuss it instead of changing the subject, but who knows. I have been so busy at school and work I don't even remember when we had any time together.
Hope things work out for you. It is a terrible time of year for many of us. (((((hugs)))))