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Want to understand what WS is enduring

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Camille87 posted 12/5/2013 17:24 PM

We are 13 months into R. All I can focus on is the pain I'm in. I know WH is in pain too but I'm so angry and hurt it seems I can only deal with my own pain right now. However, there are times I wish WH had the communication skills to tell me what it's like to be in his shoes. Sometimes I think it would help me recover and have a greater level of sympathy. (He's an introvert and also like most males, not good at communication when it comes to discussing feelings.)

Can someone please help me understand in detail (go on forever please!) better what the WS feels and is dealing with?

WH is truly remorseful and making great efforts to fix what is fixable.

karmahappens posted 12/5/2013 17:32 PM

If you want some good insight read some of the stories/threads in the wayward section.

There are some strong men and women in there. Hurting themselves, but looking within to heal.

Quite eye-opening, IMO.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/5/2013 17:56 PM

I agree with karma.
Whenever I felt unsure of what he might be going through- and sometimes to help me understand some of his responses- I would read there.
Every WS is different, but you get a pretty clear view of what they go through. It helped me approach him with topics or let him be for a minute.
There are also some things in the healing library - articles- I think, that helped me understand a little more.

I wish you peace.

Camille87 posted 12/5/2013 18:06 PM

I browse the WS forum often and have been to the Healing Library but didn't really see anything that truly grabbed me. Some stuff was helpful but I guess I'm looking for more?

Aubrie posted 12/5/2013 18:14 PM

Camille, I reposted a thread in WS I wrote several months ago. Maybe it will help a little?

ETA: And if you have a specific question, I would be happy to try to help. There's also a thread down in ICR where BS can ask WS questions.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 6:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

authenticnow posted 12/5/2013 18:35 PM

and also like most males, not good at communication when it comes to discussing feelings.

Please don't generalize. It is against the guidelines of the site.

Thank you.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/5/2013 18:56 PM

I am so sorry you are feeling so much hurt and pain. I hope that you do find some answers to help you.
Im wondering if what you need is not to read the right article, but hear the words from him. Perhaps nothing seems to grab you is because you are only hearing about what he MAY be feeling , when what you need is to hear what he IS feeling. And he is the only one that can tell you that.

I wish you peace and strength right now.

heforgotme posted 12/6/2013 08:18 AM

there are times I wish WH had the communication skills to tell me what it's like to be in his shoes.

I would strongly suggest you guys look into Retrovaille. They are all about communication. And he's going to need that to move forward in your marriage.

FWH was terrible at communication. As well as dealing with his emotions. Retro gave him the skills to do both of these things. I can't say enough good things about it. The only thing I didn't like is that they encourage you not to focus on the past, which is hard (if not impossible) if you are anywhere near DDay. But I think that at over a year out, the time is right. (Our DDays are almost identical and we went 6 weeks ago).

Good luck. Do not settle for this idea that he is just not a good communicator. Insist that he become one. It is possible.

I felt the first joy that I've felt since DDay at Retrovaille. And it was because he was telling me his feelings.

Camille87 posted 12/6/2013 09:57 AM

Thank you all!

Aubrie I appreciated your reposting so much!

Heforgotme I've heard of Retrovaille but we're not Catholic and so I didn't think it would be something that would help us.

sodamnlost posted 12/6/2013 11:41 AM

The information gained at Retrovaille isn't all catholic based at all. It surely flavors it but the basic skills learned are awesome! We went and while WH was too foggy for it to REALLY do what we needed - he did learn some skills that he is trying to use now that his fog is FINALLY lifting.

heforgotme posted 12/6/2013 12:10 PM

I've heard of Retrovaille but we're not Catholic and so I didn't think it would be something that would help us.

Religious affiliation does not matter. I am Methodist. FWH is a non-practicing Catholic. It did not matter. Religion is not the point and they do not make it the point. Mass is offered, as is confession, but it is totally optional. You are never made to feel that you need to be "Catholic".

Please, please, please, consider this option. I promise you that it saved us.

Just give it a try. What have you got to lose???

bobf posted 12/6/2013 12:16 PM

I feel so sorry for my WS sometimes. She knows how much damage she has done to our marriage with her actions and it is killing her.

She is doing everything right; she is remorseful, apologetic, completely open and has maintained NC and I do not worry about her cheating ever again.

Now I worry about how both her and I can recover from this. We both have triggers that set us off emotionally. I see her catch herself starting to tell me something then stopping to reconsider because, as I find out later, it was something she knows I read in her online sexting chat records. She gets upset about it and I get upset about it. Or we are watching a TV show together and the word MILF pops up on the screen and I get upset since one of her online lovers asked her if she was a MILF and it reminds me of her sexting. It goes on and on.

It is very hard on her. The only things that will help are IC (we are both in IC) and time. I thank god (well not literally) every day now that we remain together and get through it to another day.

sisoon posted 12/6/2013 12:25 PM

Are you in MC, Camille? That's another approach that helps build communication skills.

Also, your H can learn to communicate but probably won't unless you demand it. MC will help you communicate your demand, if you choose to make it, as well as help you both to improve communications.

Finally, Have you looked into the 5 Love Language stuff ( - that could be a giant help, too, along with a good MC and/or Retrouvaille.

vistainc posted 12/6/2013 14:39 PM

Camille, my DDay was 3 days after yours and I am feeling exactly the same as you are. I just kept thinking that after a year I would be feeling so differently than I am now and feel like I am doing something wrong and that is why I am "stuck".

After reading your post, I realize that I really need to see things from his point of view as well. What is he feeling? What does he think about? What does it do to him when he sees me upset or crying?

I truly believe getting some answers to those questions would be very helpful in my healing. Also, I still wish he could start a conversation about the A when he sees that I am clearly upset. Just never happens and when I bring it up he changes the subject.

We just talked about this at MC and he now says he realizes what he is doing and he will stop and answer me or discuss it instead of changing the subject, but who knows. I have been so busy at school and work I don't even remember when we had any time together.

Hope things work out for you. It is a terrible time of year for many of us. (((((hugs)))))

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