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lisaloo posted 12/5/2013 18:42 PM

So...quick update for anyone who isnt familiar with my story. WH got caught breaking terms of R in Nov..he flipped the script and tried to blame all our marital problems on me not allowing him to "be himself." He moved out a few days later...bailed on our family vaca to Disney (DD and I went by ourselves...I was even the bigger person and asked him to come for DD's sake-he said he had already cancelled his vacation). While I was gone to Disney, WH moved back home-because his lawyer advised him to (crap). So I come home today, WH says he wants to talk about our future, then drops the bomb that he wants a divorce, wants to use a mediator, wants to KEEP DD ALL WEEK and STAY IN THE MARITAL HOME while I (get this) PURCHASE our other home FROM HIM (WTF? We both own that home...why would I buy it from him?) and go live there...without my child. I was like-fuck no!! Then, when we started talking about child support, he flipped out saying he was not going to pay the amount that the child support formula would come out to, because he was not going to "pay my mortgage." Instead, WH wants to split the costs of stuff related to DD down the middle (i.e. child care, sports fees, and health related stuff).


How on EARTH am I supposed to LIVE in the house with this man??

Take2 posted 12/5/2013 19:13 PM

Seems that how this works is that you are supposed to roll over and take it up the....

Mediation is for reasonable people - two of them.
Time to lawyer up - get temp. orders for sole use of the house, file for CS. Someone needs a wake up call - and it isn't you.

I think you are going to need a lovely pair of black leather bitch boots for Christmas. If you still have a joint account I suggest you charge them - and then remove yourself from the account.

Gemini71 posted 12/5/2013 19:35 PM

So, WH has a lawyer, but wants to mediate the divorce so you won't have representation but he will. HELL NO!!! Get a lawyer a.s.a.p. Do NOT move out of the marital home. Do NOT let him have DD to himself without temporary orders in place. He is trying to ambush you.

lisaloo posted 12/5/2013 19:56 PM

I have a lawyer...oh my God, you guys...I've done nothing but sob, heaving, heavy, loud sobs, and cry like a pathetic rejected, abandoned spouse tonight...I FEEL pathetic and rejected. If it weren't for DD, I would just want to end it...I dont, and no one needs to call the psych patrol...but Oh.My.GOD...this hurts. And that ASSHOLE told me today that he will FIGHT ME IN COURT FOR SOLE CUSTODY of DD...What the hell!?! He just adopted her 3 years ago!! I'm the dumbass that thought he REALLY wanted to he weaseled his way back in and adopted her and is using the SAME LAWYER he used for the adoption for the sick is that???

I am in so much pain...seriously...I dont know if I a coming or going...and I have to meet with the session of my church this upcoming week to see if they will grant me biblical grounds for divorce (I know a lot of folks dont get this, but it's important to me that the church be behind me...and at this point, I am acting like just as much of an ass as WH...I'm embarrassed of myself )

I am NOT going to leave this house...WH wants to keep it-wants me to sign over the deed (I am on the deed, but not the mortgage, he's the only one on the mortgage-of both our houses (we have a rental)).

As for DD...I work I have to leave her with WH this weekend...I REALLY hate myself right now...for what I have done to my daughter's life...for the fact that I TRY SO DAMN HARD to do the right thing, and it ALWAYS comes back to bite me in the ass...Always.

roughroadahead posted 12/5/2013 20:27 PM

I'm so sorry you're hurting. This is the worst time, we've all been there. Cry it all out, and then let the anger come. Many people find the anger makes it easier for them to strap on the bitch boots and fight back.

First thing, you have a lawyer. Excellent. Make sure s/he knows exactly what is going on, and get a plan. Second thing, he can't make you sign over the house. That's blustering on his part, it deserves a giant eyeroll from you. He's trying to intimidate you. Ignore him. Third thing, and this is important. You would have to be devil incarnate to lose legal custody of your child. Again, blustering, intimidation, eyeroll. What you will likely be fighting about is who spends the most time with her (who has primary physical). So, you need to see your lawyer. Is all your financial information together? Your lawyer will need it for the motion for temp support s/he's going to write. Who cares what he would like to do, get an order for the standard amount. You also want to file for use of the house, and get temp visitation schedule in place, with you as the primary physical.

If he starts to tell you what's going to happen, dig down deep for your best poker face, and say, icily "have your attorney contact mine" every time. Let it all out when you're alone, but don't let him think he's getting to you.


This is the worst part, but it ends. Promise.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 8:33 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

IrishLass518 posted 12/5/2013 21:05 PM

Best advice I ever got here: NEVER take legal advice from your ex. He is not looking out for your best interests nor your child's. Keep conversation minimal and only necessary. Right now he is trying to scare you into giving him the best deal for him. He knows who and what you value, he will press those buttons. Be cautious and do whatever your attorney tells you to do.

Nature_Girl posted 12/5/2013 21:20 PM

Claim the master bedroom or whatever room you prefer to sleep in. It's yours from now on. PUT A NEW FUCKING KEYED DEADBOLT ON THAT DOOR & DON'T GIVE HIM THE KEY. This room has to be your safe place. You need a safe place. Bag whatever shit is his in that room & pitch it into the basement or garage. Tell him your room is off limits and he is NOT to enter ever a-fucking-gain.

Keep your computer in your room. Secure it with passwords.

Get a small safe to keep your paperwork in. Wait, not a small one. You're gonna have a lot of paperwork. Point is, get a safe & keep the key in your bra if you need to. This bastard is going to search your room & steal your stuff if you don't lock him out AND keep things in your safe.

Get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. ALL TIMES. You do not have any more conversations with this bastard unless that VAR is rolling. Tell him you have a VAR and anything he says to you can & will be used as evidence in a court of law.

You don't use the house phone anymore. Done. From now on you only use your cell phone IN YOUR ROOM OR OUT OF THE HOUSE. Any time you do talk on the phone in your room you turn on a fan for white noise.

If you can, change the door locks on your vehicle, assuming it's your vehicle and not a shared one. You don't give him a key to your vehicle.

Assume he's going to bug your home. That's why you only have conversations in your room, on your cell, or out of the house. Assume he's going to bug your car and also GPS track it.

Take your computer & cell phone & have them swept by Geek Squad or whoever. Make sure there's no spyware or keylogger installed.

Nature_Girl posted 12/5/2013 21:31 PM

Get a PO Box and have your mail forwarded to it immediately.

If possible, take tomorrow off of work & spend the day making copies of paperwork. ALL credit card statements going back three years. Tax returns going back three years. ALL bank statements going back three years. Copies of titles, deeds, vehicle registrations, driver's licenses, birth certificates, social security cards, bonds, mutual funds/investment accounts, that damned adoption certificate, and most recent pay stubs.

Practice looking in the mirror and saying, "Fuck. You." An alternative is, "Fuck. Off." Other fun phrases:

Get the fuck away from me.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't fucking care what you think.
Your opinion is of no fucking interest to me.
Talk to my lawyer, you asshole.

Any time he persists in trying to have any conversation with you of any kind, walk away. Do not engage. You're the Anti-Picard. Do Not Engage.

You do not have dinner together as a family. You don't fucking cook for him. You don't do his laundry. Whatever items in the house that are heirlooms & important to you need to find their way into your safe room ASAP. Otherwise he's going to claim them. There was a member here a while back who's douchebag actually started selling HER shit when she left the house to go to work.

You may want to consider having your DD sleep in your room if you think this unbalanced bastard might take her away in the middle of the night.

lisaloo posted 12/5/2013 21:41 PM

I dont have any paystubs from this year for WH...I have his net pay for everything, but I'm having a hard time calculating child support based on that...Plus WH got a bonus (or will...maybe thats why he's rushing me to mediate) from work (it can be up to 30% of his salary depending on how well the company does), and I dont know if that annual bonus will count toward child support calculations...This sucks.

gonnabe2016 posted 12/5/2013 23:12 PM

Oh Lisa. Stop letting this egghead get you all worked up. In most states, the CS formula is cut-and-dried. He really doesn't have an *option*. You need to go to the scrap yard tomorrow and find a steel rod to stick through your spine because any guy that's going to bitch about paying CS because he doesn't want to "pay YOUR mortgage" is going to be a total fucking nightmare to deal with throughout the D proceedings. The *fuckface* isn't paying YOUR mortgage....he is providing for his child's well-being. Notice the difference in that thought process?


Lawyer up and 'go dark' on this stbxWH of yours. He's a moron. There is no way in hell that he's getting SOLE CUSTODY of your child. None -- so long as you aren't a habitual felonious criminal.

And his bonus is part of his it should be factored in to any CS calculations. But let your L worry about that.

You call you L tomorrow and inform him/her that fuckhead has planted himself in the house.....recount all the bluster he's spewed about his idea of you leaving, him getting sole custody and paying no CS....and tell your L to get started on temp orders for you because he is clearly a nut-job.

And as NG alluded to....protect the hell out of your shit. The dude is a wild card right now.....

roughroadahead posted 12/6/2013 05:54 AM

Don't worry if you don't have all the financial info. NG is right, you will need it and you should have a safe or get off site storage for it. You won't need 3 years of credit card statements and the like until further down the road, and when the time comes, call the company and have them mailed to a PO Box, to your parents' house if that's an option, a trusted friend etc. All you need for the temp support motion is both of your incomes and your monthly expenses. If you don't have and can't get his W2s, let your attorney know.

You need to get moving on those support and use of the house motions.

Also no need to believe necessarily that everything out of your stbx's mouth is something his lawyer said. Although compared to most here, I don't have a lot to complain about in terms of a nightmare ex (mine is dumb as a box or rocks, but not personality disordered), one of the things he kept doing is say "My lawyer said..." followed by something no competent lawyer would say, ever, but a moron or his OW might. So, even if he tries to tell you his lawyer said something to give his blustering a veneer of plausibility, ignore it. His lawyer doesn't dictate what happens in any event.

nekorb posted 12/6/2013 06:33 AM


Try to breathe. I havent been through any of the legal aspects of infidelity yet, but I know that if what he is proposing sound ludicrous to me, it will sound that way to a court as well.

Stop handing over your power to him by letting him get you all riled up. Be strong.

You ARE strong. Even the strong cry sometimes….or a lot of times in my case!

Softcentre posted 12/6/2013 07:23 AM

I came across this today, it's called The List:

Do you think he just read it too?

Sounds like he's going hardball to intimidate you so that he gets what he really wants. This is him trying to destabilse you, so that when he 'compromises' you'll kiss his feet...Umm, hmm, no. Not with all of us here cheering you on whilst you get your bitch boots on.

He's asking for the moon. He's crazy. Give him crickets.

Merlin posted 12/6/2013 07:30 AM


Your WH is not a lawyer.

So don't listen to his nonsense. It just rattles you to have to listen to his nonsense.

You have more important things to do.

Reduce your communication to him to the minimum by having your respective attorneys handle all this.

Do not speak with him unless it's about your daughter.

lisaloo posted 12/6/2013 08:01 AM

Got it...I'm off to buy a new lock for the master bedroom. Going to get all of his shit out of here and put it in the guest room. Then I'm going to buy a VAR and leave it...somewhere. I would like to use his car, since that's where he likely does most of his talking (or-if I could get it into his laptop bag, that would be perfect) but I dont know how I would retrieve it later.

I really wouldnt have an issue mediating most of the crap we own-especially since WH says that he doesn't want any of the "stuff" we have. I'm tempted to pretend to start negotiating via email so that I can get all of the "stuff" that I want negotiated, present that to my lawyer, and then have him served with child support orders...Think that will hold water with property distribution?

Holly-Isis posted 12/6/2013 08:12 AM

Wait. He adopted your DD 3 years ago?

Does this mean she's you're biological child and he adopted her? Or that you had adopted her and after your M, he did too?

Or did you both adopt her together?

Because, based on the way you've phrased it, she was your child exclusively up until the adoption. In which case, it's unlikely he'll get custody (I would hope anyhow).

Ask your lawyer about that because I would bet that if your heart could be at ease about that, the rest wouldn't be as stressful as the thought of losing your DD.

He might even be using her as a tool to get you to capitulate.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/6/2013 08:27 AM

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. He fucked you over, and now feels the need to stab you just to make sure you REALLY hurt.

Who ARE these monsters that we loved???

I'm so fucking sorry you're going through this.

lisaloo posted 12/6/2013 08:40 AM

Holly-YES, DD is my biological child...I allowed WH to adopt her after we started R following Dday 2...boy do I feel like an asshole for that one. Stupid...stupid...stupid.

I just want to know WTF his lawyer is thinking telling him that if we mediate and come to an agreement that he wont have to pay the amount he is going to be ordered to pay for child support? And why the hell would he actually think that I would AGREE to accept LESS money to take care of DD since he's wasted the last 7 years of my life?

I seriously have NO IDEA who this man I married is.

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