How on EARTH am I supposed to LIVE in the house with this man??
Mediation is for reasonable people - two of them.
Time to lawyer up - get temp. orders for sole use of the house, file for CS. Someone needs a wake up call - and it isn't you.
I think you are going to need a lovely pair of black leather bitch boots for Christmas. If you still have a joint account I suggest you charge them - and then remove yourself from the account.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
I am in so much pain...seriously...I dont know if I a coming or going...and I have to meet with the session of my church this upcoming week to see if they will grant me biblical grounds for divorce (I know a lot of folks dont get this, but it's important to me that the church be behind me...and at this point, I am acting like just as much of an ass as WH...I'm embarrassed of myself )
I am NOT going to leave this house...WH wants to keep it-wants me to sign over the deed (I am on the deed, but not the mortgage, he's the only one on the mortgage-of both our houses (we have a rental)).
As for DD...I work weekends...so I have to leave her with WH this weekend...I REALLY hate myself right now...for what I have done to my life...my daughter's life...for the fact that I TRY SO DAMN HARD to do the right thing, and it ALWAYS comes back to bite me in the ass...Always.
First thing, you have a lawyer. Excellent. Make sure s/he knows exactly what is going on, and get a plan. Second thing, he can't make you sign over the house. That's blustering on his part, it deserves a giant eyeroll from you. He's trying to intimidate you. Ignore him. Third thing, and this is important. You would have to be devil incarnate to lose legal custody of your child. Again, blustering, intimidation, eyeroll. What you will likely be fighting about is who spends the most time with her (who has primary physical). So, you need to see your lawyer. Is all your financial information together? Your lawyer will need it for the motion for temp support s/he's going to write. Who cares what he would like to do, get an order for the standard amount. You also want to file for use of the house, and get temp visitation schedule in place, with you as the primary physical.
If he starts to tell you what's going to happen, dig down deep for your best poker face, and say, icily "have your attorney contact mine" every time. Let it all out when you're alone, but don't let him think he's getting to you.
This is the worst part, but it ends. Promise.
[This message edited by roughroadahead at 8:33 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]
Keep your computer in your room. Secure it with passwords.
Get a small safe to keep your paperwork in. Wait, not a small one. You're gonna have a lot of paperwork. Point is, get a safe & keep the key in your bra if you need to. This bastard is going to search your room & steal your stuff if you don't lock him out AND keep things in your safe.
Get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. ALL TIMES. You do not have any more conversations with this bastard unless that VAR is rolling. Tell him you have a VAR and anything he says to you can & will be used as evidence in a court of law.
You don't use the house phone anymore. Done. From now on you only use your cell phone IN YOUR ROOM OR OUT OF THE HOUSE. Any time you do talk on the phone in your room you turn on a fan for white noise.
If you can, change the door locks on your vehicle, assuming it's your vehicle and not a shared one. You don't give him a key to your vehicle.
Assume he's going to bug your home. That's why you only have conversations in your room, on your cell, or out of the house. Assume he's going to bug your car and also GPS track it.
Take your computer & cell phone & have them swept by Geek Squad or whoever. Make sure there's no spyware or keylogger installed.
If possible, take tomorrow off of work & spend the day making copies of paperwork. ALL credit card statements going back three years. Tax returns going back three years. ALL bank statements going back three years. Copies of titles, deeds, vehicle registrations, driver's licenses, birth certificates, social security cards, bonds, mutual funds/investment accounts, that damned adoption certificate, and most recent pay stubs.
Practice looking in the mirror and saying, "Fuck. You." An alternative is, "Fuck. Off." Other fun phrases:
Get the fuck away from me.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't fucking care what you think.
Your opinion is of no fucking interest to me.
Talk to my lawyer, you asshole.
Any time he persists in trying to have any conversation with you of any kind, walk away. Do not engage. You're the Anti-Picard. Do Not Engage.
You do not have dinner together as a family. You don't fucking cook for him. You don't do his laundry. Whatever items in the house that are heirlooms & important to you need to find their way into your safe room ASAP. Otherwise he's going to claim them. There was a member here a while back who's douchebag actually started selling HER shit when she left the house to go to work.
You may want to consider having your DD sleep in your room if you think this unbalanced bastard might take her away in the middle of the night.
Do NOT TAKE LEGAL ADVICE OR LISTEN TO THE LEGAL BLUSTERING OF A STBX!
Lawyer up and 'go dark' on this stbxWH of yours. He's a moron. There is no way in hell that he's getting SOLE CUSTODY of your child. None -- so long as you aren't a habitual felonious criminal.
And his bonus is part of his income....so it should be factored in to any CS calculations. But let your L worry about that.
You call you L tomorrow and inform him/her that fuckhead has planted himself in the house.....recount all the bluster he's spewed about his idea of you leaving, him getting sole custody and paying no CS....and tell your L to get started on temp orders for you because he is clearly a nut-job.
And as NG alluded to....protect the hell out of your shit. The dude is a wild card right now.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
You need to get moving on those support and use of the house motions.
Also no need to believe necessarily that everything out of your stbx's mouth is something his lawyer said. Although compared to most here, I don't have a lot to complain about in terms of a nightmare ex (mine is dumb as a box or rocks, but not personality disordered), one of the things he kept doing is say "My lawyer said..." followed by something no competent lawyer would say, ever, but a moron or his OW might. So, even if he tries to tell you his lawyer said something to give his blustering a veneer of plausibility, ignore it. His lawyer doesn't dictate what happens in any event.
Try to breathe. I havent been through any of the legal aspects of infidelity yet, but I know that if what he is proposing sound ludicrous to me, it will sound that way to a court as well.
Stop handing over your power to him by letting him get you all riled up. Be strong.
You ARE strong. Even the strong cry sometimes….or a lot of times in my case!
Do you think he just read it too?
Sounds like he's going hardball to intimidate you so that he gets what he really wants. This is him trying to destabilse you, so that when he 'compromises' you'll kiss his feet...Umm, hmm, no. Not with all of us here cheering you on whilst you get your bitch boots on.
He's asking for the moon. He's crazy. Give him crickets.
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him
Your WH is not a lawyer.
So don't listen to his nonsense. It just rattles you to have to listen to his nonsense.
You have more important things to do.
Reduce your communication to him to the minimum by having your respective attorneys handle all this.
Do not speak with him unless it's about your daughter.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I really wouldnt have an issue mediating most of the crap we own-especially since WH says that he doesn't want any of the "stuff" we have. I'm tempted to pretend to start negotiating via email so that I can get all of the "stuff" that I want negotiated, present that to my lawyer, and then have him served with child support orders...Think that will hold water with property distribution?
Does this mean she's you're biological child and he adopted her? Or that you had adopted her and after your M, he did too?
Or did you both adopt her together?
Because, based on the way you've phrased it, she was your child exclusively up until the adoption. In which case, it's unlikely he'll get custody (I would hope anyhow).
Ask your lawyer about that because I would bet that if your heart could be at ease about that, the rest wouldn't be as stressful as the thought of losing your DD.
He might even be using her as a tool to get you to capitulate.
Who ARE these monsters that we loved???
I'm so fucking sorry you're going through this.
I just want to know WTF his lawyer is thinking telling him that if we mediate and come to an agreement that he wont have to pay the amount he is going to be ordered to pay for child support? And why the hell would he actually think that I would AGREE to accept LESS money to take care of DD since he's wasted the last 7 years of my life?
I seriously have NO IDEA who this man I married is.