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trying to deal with wife cyber cheating

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dmg35 posted 12/5/2013 19:21 PM

My wife and I have been married almost ten years now and its been great, we have 3 kids together.

over the last few months I noticed her spending a lot of time on her phone while we were home together.

one morning I checked her phone and found some very explicit chats to another man. I confronted her and she told me I was crazy.

I was able to locate a few different chats with her stating she was divorcing me and loved me but not in love with me anymore. she told him she loved him and he said it back during these texts. they were very sexual in nature the chats. I also found out she texted him a lot but deleted all the texts when she was done. she also would stay out late and call him. this sexual chatting went on for about 6 weeks before that they supposedly just talked about life on and off for about 6 months. he is also married but is actively going through a divorce. They used to work together.

We have talked and he and she told me that they never met in person and there was definitely no sex other than in their "chats"...

I used to trust her wholeheartedly, now I don't trust anything she says. she told me she was being selfish and that she wants no one but me and that whatever she said to him she did not mean. she told me he meant absolutely nothing to her. her dad left when she was a kid, her sister walked out on her husband and kids and now we watch them full time. about a year ago her dad re-touched the relationship which ended badly.

I love her and want this to work, but I am so hurt, angry and disappointed.. how do I try to move on?????????

OK now posted 12/5/2013 19:59 PM

her stating she was divorcing me and loved me but not in love with me anymore. she told him she loved him and he said it back during these texts.

I would struggle with these words from your wife to the OM. I can understand the lack of trust and disillusionment with your marriage. Your WW dumped all over your relationship for so little gain and she expects you to rugsweep and move on because she never actually slept with her boyfriend.

She's in for a rude awakening. You have lost a hell of a lot of respect for her and its going to be a uphill fight to repair the marriage. She needs to understand this.

nuance posted 12/5/2013 22:57 PM

This is like any betrayal. And they had sex - cyber sex. You should handle like one. See the healing library, 180. There is also an I Can Relate thread for men and also online affairs in the ICR forum.

better4me posted 12/5/2013 23:00 PM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Non physical affairs are called emotional affairs and are just as damaging and painful as affairs that had developed into a sexual relationship. She betrayed you with her actions and with her words to this other man even if there wasn't a physical sexual relationship. They were having cyber sex if they were talking explicitly. The intention was there even if the act wasn't. And people often lie about it not being a physical relationship...did they have the opportunity to meet? If they had the opportunity to get together, they probably did...

My husband also denied any physical contact with his Affair Partner, and he and members of his family tried to minimize my pain by saying it wasn't a "real" affair. My pain was real, the hurt was real, the betrayal was real...don't let anyone minimize this or tell you you shouldn't feel what you feel.

She needs to be transparent in her actions now, you need to have her passwords, you need to be able to check her phone etc. Once they are discovered, many affairs go "underground" and continue. So continue to check on her, look for inconsistencies between her words and actions, if something doesn't "feel" right, trust your gut.

Is she willing to go to individual counseling to address the issues that led her to this affair? She should be willing to do anything to make this up to you, including going to counseling...

There are a lot of helpful articles in the healing library (upper left hand corner) you'll find articles there on how to help you deal with this devastating discovery. Take good care of yourself, keep coming back to SI-- and keep posting, you'll get a lot of support here.

Dare2Trust posted 12/5/2013 23:24 PM

Since this CYBER CHEATING has been going on for several months...and your WW (Wayward Wife) has advanced to the "I LOVE YOU" stage with the OM (Other Man).....
I suggest you dig deeper...and secure a lot more information before you "rug sweep" and believe everything your WW is telling you.

I'd guess: This affair is a lot more involved than simple "cyber cheating."
DIG DEEPER...and find out everything that's involved in this AFFAIR...then you can concentrate on "moving on."
That's my opinion.

dmg35 posted 12/6/2013 00:45 AM

Thank you for all of your advice. I continue to dig but have not come up with any more information.

She is going to counseling.

I continue to monitor all devices and am very skeptical..

SeanFLA posted 12/6/2013 09:39 AM

I'm going to go out on huge limb here and say a lot of this has to do with her past long before you even met her. Her father leaving her as a child, watching her sister abandon her kids...all screams FOO issues. I know my exWW had FOO issues but refused to address them into adulthood. It always bothered me the things she would tell me, but I never worried that they would contribute to the things she did for her A. Now it's all clear as day and for some reason I feel like I'm the only one who can see it. One day I think you will see that too. She might be in counseling, but I think it's important that you know what she is discussing with the IC. I know mine didn't discuss her FOO issues most likely, but was utilizing the counselor as a coach as how to exit the marriage. My advice to you is to insist that you get to also meet with that IC to discuss her problems (first without your WW present). They could be discussing things totally irrelevant to what happened in her childhood. It's my firm belief that you have the right to know what they are discussing in order to make a rational decision as to stay or go since this effects you directly. Everything must be transparent.

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