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MC unavailable until 2014, found out during anniversary of PA

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spinning73 posted 12/5/2013 21:14 PM

So, we had MC session for tomorrow. WH felt like 50 min sessions weren't useful enough..."just picks open sores without solving anything", so we had arranged 2hr sessions as of last meeting and it went better.

Message on MC answering service when I call to confirm tomorrow's session..." We are closed till jan 2, 2014 due to unforeseen circumstances, w appreciate your understanding"

WTH! WH memory doesn't allow him to know exact date, but " early December was when texting "relationship" with OW became physical. Ie he soberly drove to her house after work and had sex with her.

This week WH had really bad day at work wednesday. He is good at his job and not used to not getting his way, personally or professionally...
Wed night was his night to cook (rare event). When I found out he lost 2 hearings., I volunteered to make dinner AND told him to go get a drink with his (male) client. He repaid me by coming home almost an hour after I told him I would have dinner ready and doesn't understand why it matters.

Really, on the (approximate) anniversary of you $&%#ing someone else, you stay out later than expected without texting me you've been detained, when I'm already handling responsibilities you've promised to cover ( we both have full time professional jobs)

And now I have no MC to help me communicate to him WHY this is a big deal?

Feeling really alone and defeated tonight. It was our 3rd try at MC and I finally felt like we had a good fit.

(Edited for drunk typos)

[This message edited by spinning73 at 9:15 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

jjsr posted 12/5/2013 21:29 PM

Well if you think this MC is a good fit then you have to wait. Maybe your MC had a death in the family or another type situation. I know its hard but if you want to continue you may just have to hold your breath so to speak until Jan 2.

Two things in your post stand out to me.
1. Your husband is not used to not getting his own way. What is he a child. Sounds like he needs to grow up. Not getting your own way is apart of that.

2. Your drunk typing? I don't think alcohol helps anything.

hopingforhappy posted 12/6/2013 11:28 AM

Spinning, sounds like you are married to a litigator, as am I. Lucky us! The skills needed to be an effective litigator are not the skills needed to have a healthy relationship, in fact just the opposite. My FWH tells me that it is incredibly hard to turn the "fight" on and off. I believe him. And boy, if he loses a trial or a hearing--he is tough to live with. But, that does not mean that he doesn't have the responsibility to try to put those feelings aside and not treat his wife and his family badly, just because his is mad that he lost. Plus, he can't turn the adversarial skills on you when you have a disagreement (maybe he doesn't do this--mine has). My FWH has said that it is just his nature to come out fighting if he is backed into a corner. I don't accept that anymore. I am his wife, not his adversary.

My FWH has had a great deal of success with DBT training and meditation. It has helped him to reign in his negative reactions. He doesn't come home anymore and kick the dog (metaphorically speaking) when he loses. I do know to give him some time and space when he has had a disappointing outcome (mostly because he now tells me about it, instead of keeping it bottled up!)

With regard to your MC, I am so sorry that happened! I know that there were times that I felt like our MC sessions were my lifeline. Is there any way you can find out if the MC has someone covering for your MC during their absence? I know that might entail a certain amount of "starting over", but it would at least give you some emotional relief until your regular MC comes back.

Sometimes it takes a while for the WS to "get it" Keep explaining to him why his actions on Wednesday night are a problem for you. I would have been mad too, if that had happened to me. My FWH now understands the importance of letting me know if he is going to be home late, because I spent a lot of time reminding him of that. Before the A, I let him have a long leash--now, not so much. He has given up that freedom, he understands why and he does what he needs to do to keep me feeling emotionally safe. Happily, I might add.

You are not alone--hang in there!

spinning73 posted 12/6/2013 13:41 PM

Thanks for the replies.

jjsr--yes, I know alcohol is only numbing the pain. I have never been a heavy drinker, but my drinking has probably tripled since dd. (I did get up and run 4 miles though…trying to remember to do something positive for the stress instead of the negative. It's been a really crappy week though and last night the wine was calling…
No alternatives to call. Just VM and sign on door that closed to Jan 2 due to unforeseen circumstances. It almost has to be an illness or death in family. Mentally I understand, emotionally, it is just a blow. My plan is to re-read some books I have read, and maybe start some I've seen suggested here. WH is willing to read, so if I find something good I will share.

hopingforhappy---yes, nothing like being married to someone who enjoys arguing enough to make their living at it.

WH laughed at me but admitted I was right…One day in MC he had this dramatic presentation of his point..almost like a closing argument. I called him on it and he agreed not to use his superior oration skills "against" me in counseling. (I am in medicine, introverted, and not a speaker..we couldn't be more opposite in that regard)

We actually came back home this morning and spent our 2 hour allotted time for MC talking just the 2 of us.
I think it helped us pull out of the downward roller coaster loop we were in this week. No long term solutions, but at least feel like the "ice walls" we both had up this week are thawing.

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