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Cut the man some slack or cut him off?

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mixedemotions posted 12/6/2013 00:47 AM

Hi all! Or I guess now that I'm back in the South...hi, y'all!

I took an SI hiatus but have recently been lurking a little...mostly because I decided to start dating for the first time since the D and was needing a little support.

I had a 1 month long relationship with a man from OLD which ended very suddenly. I'm thankful to him for ending it quickly enough that I was able to let go fairly easily. I'm thankful to Google for showing me that while we were dating he was using a profile on a second site other than the one I met him on, despite telling me he was no longer dating online bc I was so wonderful he only wanted me...ick! And I'm thankful to my hormones for holding out on sex despite really, really wanting him to sweep me off the bus...or lay me down on the floor of the bus and...whew! Sorry. I was very attracted to him. actual issue is this:

I've been talking to and seeing a man, also from OLD, who told me on our first date that he is divorced. He said 3 years ago his ex-wife told him she'd been having an A, that every time she said she was visiting her mother she was really going to see her AP. She is now married to her AP and they have kids together.

I recently looked at his profile again for the first time in weeks and realized he listed himself as never married. I thought that was a deal breaker because it's a lie and confronted him about it. He said that part of his life is very private and is not something he's comfortable sharing with strangers.

After we talked about it, he said he'd like us to be exclusive because he knows for sure he wants to be with me, that he's not seeing anyone else and doesn't want to share me. I told him it's way too soon and he said he'd wait but he knows he doesn't need more time, that he feels I'm the right one for him and has known it since he first saw me. *eyeroll* ...maybe I'm too cynical but I think that's silly. It's been less than a month! this an automatic deal breaker? At first I thought a lie is a lie and I have to be out, but I'm also wondering if it's sometimes more complicated than that. I thought about asking for proof of his divorce to make sure he didn't lie about the marriage, but does it really matter?

And...think he's trying to distract me with talks of exclusivity right after the confrontation? Or am I being too cynical? Either way I'm not ready and wouldn't say yes, just feeling confused on what's real.

SoHappyNow posted 12/6/2013 06:50 AM

It's a yellow flag, but if you tell him to slow his roll and he complies, then I'd give him a chance. I would also educate
myself on these two terms:

Fast Forwarding, Future Faking

Good luck to you and future happiness, with or without him. My guy keeps telling me that we're soulmates, and that he knew that we were when we met. My first cousin says that she knew she would marry her first and late husband the moment they met. She misses him still, ten years after he died.

cmego posted 12/6/2013 07:10 AM

Ehh…it feels manipulative to me. That is my first gut reaction to what you describe.

You present yourself a certain way on OLD, and there is no reason to lie about being D. You have to trust what they write as who they are, so lying, or saying it is "private" is odd. That makes no sense.

It is like the one guy that I was chatting with who listed himself as D, when he was really S. When he finally told me, he said, "Well, no one has a problem with it!"

Until me.

I'd just listen to what your gut is saying….

Williesmom posted 12/6/2013 08:03 AM

I don't think it's a total deal breaker because he told you once you met - he didn't continue the "never married" story.

I am not completely truthfull on my OLD profile - for a very good reason. I live in a very small town, so I list Pittsburgh as my location. This is because I once had a man send me a message that said "I know who you are and I know where you live - I'll be over".'s a lie, but I'm OK with it.

StillLivin posted 12/6/2013 11:43 AM

Dump him.

Crescita posted 12/6/2013 12:04 PM

Divorces are public record. If you know his full name you should be able to look him up through the local court's website.

Being exclusive at 1 month doesn't alarm me, but the comment about knowing you were "the one" at first sight would give me pause. Sometimes such comments are intended as hyperbole, just a clumsy way of expressing high romantic interest, but it can also indicate an intent to fast-forward the relationship, or snow you over with words. Be on alert for other indicators that he is rushing things or that comments are't really lining up with actions.

Also I'd discuss what he means by exclusive. Typically it just means you aren't dating others, but for some people exclusive carries more expectations.

better4me posted 12/6/2013 15:10 PM

Time will tell. Eventually his true colors will show. The exclusivity talk and knowing that the other person is the "one" that early in a dating relationship freaks me out too, and I've found that when men talk like that the relationship burns out pretty quickly once I do something to fall off the pedestal he's put me on. I know sometimes we are pretty jaded here, that said I wonder what other things he would mislead someone on because it is "private".

I'd proceed with caution.

phmh posted 12/6/2013 19:14 PM

I'm with better4me. Yellow flag; watch carefully.

Would he have had the option on that site of leaving that category blank?

Are there other things that are setting off your gut?

I don't think a month is too soon to want to be exclusive, but it would be too soon for me to hear that I'm the one -- do some reading at baggagereclaim and see if anything sticks out at you!

Catwoman posted 12/6/2013 19:40 PM

GDM was one of those folks who was head over heels very quickly. I was a bit wary, but I also learned very quickly that there is no artifice in that man. He may keep things to himself until he is ready to divulge them, but he is brutally frank. And his actions back it ll up.

Some people aren't really sure how to navigate OLD. And they make a few missteps along the way. Wanting exclusivity at a month isn't all bad--wanting to move in together at one month is. KWIM?

I look at it this way: what is the downside. OK, he wants to be exclusive. What is the downside, and are you equipped to handle the downside? From where I sit, the upside potential outweighs the downside. But you may feel differently.

Look at intent. Know yourself. Give people a chance to show you what they are. Look at their actions--do they match their words? Look at what they say and what they do.

If I had posted all the things GDM did early on, I imagine a lot of folks would tell me to next him. But I had a strong feeling he was just sometimes wrong-footed, not calculating or manipulative.

I was right. But if I hadn't been, I was strong enough to end it, and I would have.


fireproof posted 12/7/2013 00:09 AM

Time will tell. Move slowly maybe even more slowly.

Unless you are sure I wouldn't agree to exclusivity. You don't have to date anyone but you are open to see. If you don't want him to date anyone else then that is different.

A month is still in the early stages you are never going to have a guarantee but time does help.

If he is honest he will wait for you to catch up to feel the way he does.

Enjoy especially if you haven't been dating. It is a self discovery process. I do agree that the never married is interesting.

Mousse242 posted 12/8/2013 11:26 AM

Google the hell out of his name, in quotes; also his emAil addresses(s), phone #, nick names, etc. and see what you come up with.

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