((((scangel)))))
I am just so sorry.
You are entirely right. Your anger and frustration are so justified.
I wish I could reach out and help you.
My question is WHY??? WHY now lie after telling the truth and us doing well. Why when I need reassurance the most and am doubting our M because I just don't know if I can truly love and be happy again, does he take back this truth/lie??? I just don't get it!!!
Only he can answer that.
I discovered broken contact after three months of R. The contact happened right after Dday and then stopped, but I had asked him repeatedly about it and he reassured me that he had not responded to her.
Then I checked phone records.
When confronted with proof, he finally came clean.
My WH said he didn't know how to tell me. He didn't want to hurt me anymore, the lie just flew out of his mouth, etc etc
I made him start at the beginning and go through their relationship almost minute by minute (his was 3 months).
It was so hard and took 2 separate 3 hour sessions. But I got more truth out of that than I had for the first three months.
He just talked and I asked questions- we both stayed calm. I saved my reactions for later when I could really think about it.
But I let him tell his story.
I don't know why your H is doing this.
Maybe its time to tell him that you don't believe any of it, or you want to be sure you have your story straight, or whatever- but maybe it is time for him to retell his story. I think telling him what you said in the first sentence of your reply will be important.
"I don't care WHAT you did. The A happened and it is the worst thing that ever could. Now I just need to know!"
I explained to my H that in order to heal I needed to know that I shared everything with them. I needed to know everything about their time together so that there were no SECRETS that they still had. I needed to hear all of it so that NONE of his memories of her would be safe. In EVERY single one of them, I am now sitting on the floor watching or right next to them on the bed. I would not have her knowing more than I did.
And I believe he did the best he could, and he is still answering my questions- although they have lessened in detail and intensity, because I felt much better after hearing ALL of it. It was hard and I stayed away from him for a day or two, but once I processed the whole story, I felt whole enough to reach out to him again and discuss R once more.
Again, this is my story and everyone's situation is different. But know that you are not alone in this, and I can see you fighting to keep things together. You are an amazing person- do not doubt that.
I am so sorry for you right now. You do not deserve this.
[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 4:32 PM, December 6th (Friday)]