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need opinion on a lie?

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scangel3 posted 12/6/2013 01:58 AM

Ok this has tmi but I need opinions!!!

I received the final TT this past June, almost 3 years after the A ended. I knew that wh and ow almost had sex, he claimed they stopped right before they had sex "since they were both married" this happened at least 3 times. I never bought this excuse, in June is when I finally got the truth. He finally told me the "truth" in June... That they tried to have sex but couldn't because he couldn't stay hard, which is very possible it's something that has happened many times between us even before the A. So I believed him. He was finally showing remorse, real true remorse, finally getting it and this was the final piecei needed. All good right?

Well last night when we were talking about the things I've been posting he retracted that TT in June. He swears they never went along with actually having sex "because they were married", and imust have just heard him wrong. I told him i understand it's an embarrassing thing to talk about but don't lie! He swore I misunderstood him, I just don't get it, this isn't the first time he has done this. He's caught himself in quite a few lies about the A, forgetting which he told me and what he hasn't, retracting TT's (probably because he couldn't remember which lie he told). But I thought we were past it. Now I'm questioning everything again!

I am so confused, which really happened? Does he really believe the prior "lie"? Honestly I don't care rather they "almost had sex" or not to me intending to have sex and being as close to it as they were, no matter the reason why they stopped, either way to me they had sex, even if it was just an intention.

I'm just wondering what the hell? Why now? Why lie about this after telling me the truth?

steadfast1973 posted 12/6/2013 05:48 AM

They are not very different. Perhaps he couldn't get hard BECAUSE he was married? I dunno.

No12turn2 posted 12/6/2013 06:00 AM

Not sure it matters. If somebody tried to shoot you with a gun and it jammed, it doesn't change the fact that they tried to shoot you

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/6/2013 10:39 AM

Gently... And only my opinion-
Because he is not telling the truth and he is having a hard time keeping the lies straight. That is why.
I am not the wayward- but I did lie for years about things in my past. And for me... The hardest thing was remembering which lie I told.
That's how my H knew I was lying. Because I couldn't keep it straight.
Have you gotten a detailed timeline? Start to finish, in his words no prompting from you?
Thats where we started with my WHs A- ad with my lies from 15 years ago. We were then able to ask questions to clarify the story.
The weight that was lifted for both of us was a tremendous step in our healing.

When i knew i wasnt gettin the whole truth from him, I wrote him a letter and basically explained where I thought he was lying in his story. Then I told him come clean completely or get the hell out of my way so I could heal myself.

Thankfully- he chose to come clean and we have been working steadily through it ever since.
My lies too. Never an A and not as scandalous- but important events that my H should have known long ago.
Truth is hard- but you cannot heal without it. Neither of you can.

Again- this is my opinion based on my experiences- it may not fit your situation- but when I hear backtracking and mini fibs or vague responses- it means there is a lie in there somewhere.

And yes- intending to cheat is still cheating- I love the gun analogy from above.

I wish you strength as you continue through this

scangel3 posted 12/6/2013 16:18 PM

It doesn't matter to me what they actually did, the fact remains he had a 9 month affair with a co-worker that was both physical and emotional. The act of sex is a mute point, in my eyes they had sex, they were both naked with private parts touching. The actual following through with sex or not is not the point, to me they had sex even if it was just the intent.

My question is WHY??? WHY now lie after telling the truth and us doing well. Why when I need reassurance the most and am doubting our M because I just don't know if I can truly love and be happy again, does he take back this truth/lie??? I just don't get it!!!

We did a run through of the timeline of his A back in June when he finally TT'd that they didn't have sex because he couldn't perform, but we didn't write it down. We were sitting outside our house in our car when it all came clean. Of course he doesn't remember dates and all of that, it had been 3 years, and he claimed he didn't remember them back when it was happening. I don't want exact dates, I know it started emotional in January around the 10th (that's when the texts started), and he admits it got to be more of a physical relationship around March 1st 2010 (my dday). From there he doesn't remember dates or the time frame just what they did and didn't do.

I am just confused as to why retract that statement now? Why make me feel stupid again? He tried to tell me I just misunderstood him!!! UGH IT PISSES ME OFF!!! I did NOT misunderstand ANYTHING!!!

I am just so lost and confused. I am to a place where I am just ready to throw in the towel, although I can't leave for at least 3 years or I have to quit school. I am tired of fighting for this marriage while he sits there doing what he has always done, play on his phone, look at sports crap, and watch tv. He does help a lot with the kids, he's a great dad, but the husband part is failing big time. He gets me every time because he says he wants to work things out, he wants us to stay married and he wants to go to counseling, but we don't have the money to get IC and MC each, and we both need both.

I am just tired, so flipin exhausted 24/7 never ending tired!!! My Dr. wants me to do a sleep study, but I know it's stress, I am constantly on guard waiting for the next big blow. I AM JUST TIRED!!!

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/6/2013 16:27 PM


I am just so sorry.
You are entirely right. Your anger and frustration are so justified.
I wish I could reach out and help you.

My question is WHY??? WHY now lie after telling the truth and us doing well. Why when I need reassurance the most and am doubting our M because I just don't know if I can truly love and be happy again, does he take back this truth/lie??? I just don't get it!!!

Only he can answer that.

I discovered broken contact after three months of R. The contact happened right after Dday and then stopped, but I had asked him repeatedly about it and he reassured me that he had not responded to her.
Then I checked phone records.
When confronted with proof, he finally came clean.
My WH said he didn't know how to tell me. He didn't want to hurt me anymore, the lie just flew out of his mouth, etc etc
I made him start at the beginning and go through their relationship almost minute by minute (his was 3 months).
It was so hard and took 2 separate 3 hour sessions. But I got more truth out of that than I had for the first three months.
He just talked and I asked questions- we both stayed calm. I saved my reactions for later when I could really think about it.
But I let him tell his story.

I don't know why your H is doing this.
Maybe its time to tell him that you don't believe any of it, or you want to be sure you have your story straight, or whatever- but maybe it is time for him to retell his story. I think telling him what you said in the first sentence of your reply will be important.
"I don't care WHAT you did. The A happened and it is the worst thing that ever could. Now I just need to know!"

I explained to my H that in order to heal I needed to know that I shared everything with them. I needed to know everything about their time together so that there were no SECRETS that they still had. I needed to hear all of it so that NONE of his memories of her would be safe. In EVERY single one of them, I am now sitting on the floor watching or right next to them on the bed. I would not have her knowing more than I did.
And I believe he did the best he could, and he is still answering my questions- although they have lessened in detail and intensity, because I felt much better after hearing ALL of it. It was hard and I stayed away from him for a day or two, but once I processed the whole story, I felt whole enough to reach out to him again and discuss R once more.
Again, this is my story and everyone's situation is different. But know that you are not alone in this, and I can see you fighting to keep things together. You are an amazing person- do not doubt that.
I am so sorry for you right now. You do not deserve this.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 4:32 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

scangel3 posted 12/6/2013 19:30 PM

Thank you for your reply, I've asked him the whole story the truth this time, final thing, that was back in June when he finally confessed they tried but he couldn't perform. Now his story is changing back to before June.

The acts of the A are not what's kept me from forgiving or moving on, it's the years of lies and now just one more added on. While we were talking about our future. This marriage is not going to break up over the A it's going to be from all the lies and deceit, not to mention he doesn't love me. The A in itself yes is an issue but does not compare to all the lies!!!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/6/2013 19:52 PM

I think he's still lying and can't keep his story straight. My H told me the same things, but he was lying. The truth was that they had a tawdry affair with lots of sex, not the "he couldn't do it", as he had claimed prior. In our case, the truth wasn't to stay hidden because he contracted HPV that lead to cancer. So, I was GOING to find out the truth, regardless of what he tried to tell me.

The lies are just exhausting, aren't they?

Is he a member here?

scangel3 posted 12/6/2013 20:33 PM

No he's not a member here, I've tried to get him to sign up, he tried once but for some reason it wouldn't accept his account, I even saw the email. That was 2 years ago, he hasn't tried to sign up again and never asked for my help (which I offered since he did try to sign up on his own originally)

scangel3 posted 12/6/2013 20:34 PM

and yes the lies are extremely exhausting!!! And one of the worst part of the whole flipin thing!!!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/6/2013 20:39 PM

The same thing happened when H tried to sign up. You can contact a mod and they'll know what to do to fix that. I just think he might benefit from the advice of those who've been there. (I'm talking about WSs. I don't know if you venture down into Wayward, but they tend to tell it like is down there!)

scangel3 posted 12/6/2013 20:44 PM

Yeah I've ventured there a few times, We're going to be talking tonight about everything, I will bring this up again. He claims he gets it, knows what I need and is trying but he just doesn't and doesn't seem like he's trying. Maybe seeing other posts for him will help him get it a little more.

I often wonder if he's in denial about certain aspects of their A. After lying for almost 3 years about how far they actually went maybe he started to believe the lie himself, or is in denial. Or maybe I'm just nieve and the pure exhaustion is taking over my brain making me feel weaker

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/6/2013 20:49 PM

Maybe you set an agreement to let him work through his stuff without reading his posts, for a while? I know it's hard to do but the thing that kept my H lying was that he was terrified that I'd leave if I knew the truth. Once he understood that we could never have a real M with lies between us, things got easier. It was the people here who helped get that through to him, when I couldn't.

Dare2Trust posted 12/6/2013 20:53 PM

I sent your a PM

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 8:59 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

Shattered-Heart posted 12/6/2013 22:30 PM

I agree with the poster who said there can't be a marriage with the lies.

I'd ask for a polygraph. Look them up, tell him you have questions and want him to go with you, and I bet you get a lot more information in the parking lot before the appointment. If not then one of two things will happen, either he'll refuse and you'll know he's panicking due to keeping lies straight, or he'll go in to do the poly and you'll get the peace you need about if he's lying or not. Even if he's muddled about things, if you ask outright are you lying/keeping things from me? You'll get an answer.

Sorry you're going thru this ((scangel3)

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