There is no reconciling with my WH. I've come to the decision that whatever time I have left on this earth, I don't want to spend it with him. Every time he opens his mouth, I swear a lie comes flying out of it. So, I'm done. This is it. I'm in therapy, drawing angry drawings, and taking long stomping walks. WHEN AM I GONNA STOP FEELING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON? I'm not a crazy person. Seriously, I'm not!
This is awful. I don't want to do this to my kids. They don't deserve this. But I cannot be with this lying liar who lies most of the time. It's making me sick. My blood pressure is out of control. I've been drying retching today and I just hate it. I'm loosing weight because I can't eat. This is a shitty diet. I don't want to loose weight this way. I can't sleep. Sometimes I feel like a dead man walking. I have panic attacks and the chills. I'm taking Xanax every day. My heart is absolutely shattered. I have so much rage and hate for my WH, it's awful. I want out. I want to get away from him. This is going to take months. I gotta hold it together and ride the evil D I V O R C E ride.
I want to be like those crazy Italian women in the old movies - smashing plates, breaking vases, and chasing their husbands with rolling pins. I SO WANT TO ACT OUT. I won't though. I have children with my WH so we're going to be in each other's lives forever. I don't want to do something I'm going to regret later. I'm going to be a good girl. Sigh...
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO RELEASE THESE FEELINGS!!! I feel like I'm being cooked alive - from the inside! HELP! This is horrible awful terrible and scary! I picked out my lawyer today and I feel like shit.